Spirit Airlines’ announcement in early May that the company would be going out of business and liquidating all of its assets has sent shockwaves throughout the air travel industry, and one major airline has just made a move that shows that the collapse of Spirit is going to be reverberating for years to come: United Airlines is ceasing operations after learning you can do that.
Well, it’s official: Spirit Airlines has started a major trend all across the airline industry!
“We honestly had no idea it was even an option to stop being an airline until Spirit proved you could just quit whenever you want,” United Airlines leadership wrote in a message to shareholders released to the press this morning, in which they said they looked forward to a future of never having to worry about “the daily tsunami of tedious bullshit” that came with managing the corporation. “Now that we know we don’t have to stare down an eternity of flying herds of braindead morons around the country—a task for which are RARELY THANKED—we are simply going to not do it anymore. Simple as that.”
It looks like Spirit Airlines kicked open a door and United Airlines is courageously walking through it!
In a series of Instagram posts on United Airlines official Instagram page, the company further clarified their decision.
“We thought we would go to jail if we stopped doing airplane stuff, even though we hated it,” read one post which had been captioned “Free At Last.” “The thought leaders and innovators at Spirit Airlines have shown us we can walk a new path of peace and salvation by simply cancelling all our flights, selling all our planes, and just hanging out with our families or whatever.”
Representatives at United were very clear that one of the reasons they hated being an airline was dealing with customers, whom they described in ways that advertising experts and marketing gurus have characterized as “dehumanizing,” “aggressive,” and “innovative.”
“Every day we cram an ocean of dumb, ugly people onto our filthy planes and shoot them into the sky,” said another social media statement which had been captioned “WE OWE YOU NOTHING.” “And when one of these planes crashed or got hijacked we never heard the fucking end of it. Just constant complaints from people who crammed their fat faces with our free Sun Chips and still had the gall to tell us we weren’t pampering them enough. We will not miss you.”
United’s decision to follow in Spirit’s footsteps and stop being an airline has caused significant chaos both internationally and domestically. They have announced that all United Airlines flights will be cancelled. When an Instagram user commented on a United post asking what they should do if the cancellations left them stranded in a foreign country, United responded, “anyone affected can contact our nonexistent department of nonexistent fucks, because we don’t do airplanes anymore.” They then deleted their Instagram account
Absolutely seismic. It’s completely undeniable that Spirit Airlines has changed the country, and possibly altered the course of world history. If United Airlines is any indication, many more air travel companies across the country will soon realize they don’t have to keep enduring the suffering that comes with being an airline and will just stop entirely. Delta, JetBlue, and American Airlines are definitely paying attention, and we can’t wait to see what they do next!
