Every story that’s ever been told is inspiring, but some stories are so inspiring that you’re a bad person if you don’t stand up and cheer as soon as you hear them. This is one of those stories: This man has been haunted since high school by a rumor that he fucked the globe in his homeroom. Now, he’s admitting that he did actually fuck it and he has no regrets.
Hell yes. This is what true self-empowerment looks like.
For 39-year-old Lester Kovaks, life has been a living hell ever since his sophomore year of high school, when people started saying that he drilled a hole into the globe in his homeroom classroom and then had sex with the globe. “People called me names like ‘Globe Fucker’ and ‘The Geography Pervert’ and it made every moment of my life absolute agony,” says Kovaks, who was forced to relocate to a different state with his family just to avoid the constant harassment from the people in town who kept accusing him of fucking the globe. “But you know something? I did fuck the globe. It was the right thing to do, and I liked doing it, and I’m proud that I fucked the globe.”
Absolutely incredible. It’s always heartwarming when someone owns who they are and feels comfortable in their own skin!
These days, Lester still encounters people who accuse him of fucking the globe and give him a hard time about it, but his outlook on the situation has completely changed.
“I used to say, ‘Oh, you think I fucked the globe just because everyone in homeroom saw me do it and people took pictures of me doing it? Well, that just proves how ignorant you are,’” says Kovaks, who recently submitted an application to change his legal name to Globefucker Supreme: The Criminal Who Fucks Globes. “Now I just say, ‘Yep, I fucked the globe and it was good and important and brave, and I’ll never stop telling people about how I did it and liked it.”
Uh, we’re not crying, you’re crying.
Ever since he learned to embrace his past as a kid who drilled a hole in a globe and had sex with it while his homeroom teacher begged him to stop, Lester’s life has completely turned around. He’s smiling more, and he’s more confident, and when people accuse him of fucking a globe, he just smiles and says, “Damn straight.” It’s the kind of story you think only happens in Hollywood movies, but for Lester Kovaks the fantasy is real.
What’s next for this brave globe fucker? “I’m probably going to try to fuck another globe,” Lester says. “It’s good to fuck a globe. A lot of people don’t even know that fucking the globe can be an option for them, but it’s totally easy. You just have to drill a hole in the globe and keep fucking it even when your teacher threatens to call the police. It’s awesome, it’s easy, and, most importantly, it makes the world a safer and more just place.”
This is officially the most life-affirming story you’re going to read all year. We’re so grateful that people like Lester Kovaks are learning to embrace the things that make them unique, whether that’s fucking a globe or throwing a math textbook at a moving car, which Lester also did and has no regrets about. Here’s hoping that this next generation of kids takes a cue from Lester and learns to be unapologetically themselves in every way. If they’re even a fraction as brave as he is, the future is bright!
