CLEAN EXPORT CLICKVENTURE

<img src="clickventure_img/suburbs.jpg"> Here is your town. It is called Neighborhood City. [[Okay|Intro 2]]

<img src="clickventure_img/house.jpg"> This is your house. You live here. [[I agree.|Intro 3 (Meeting Bird)]]

<img src="clickventure_img/petbird.jpg"> And here is your best friend in the whole world: your pet bird, George Bush. [[Why is my bird named George Bush?|Name Explanation]]\ [[Yes. I love him.|Interact with Bird]]

<img src="clickventure_img/petbird.jpg"> You named your bird George Bush after your favorite president (George Washington) and your favorite hiding place (Bush). [[Oh yeah, I remember now. I love him.|Interact with Bird]]\ [[That’s a good name for a bird. I love him.|Interact with Bird]]

<img src="clickventure_img/petbird2.jpg"> Yes. You do love him. You love George Bush the bird. [[Ask my bird to talk.]]\ [[Feed my bird a delicious worm.]]\ [[Pet my bird.]]\ [[Feed my bird a battery.|ENDING: BIRD BECOMES MAN]]

<img src="clickventure_img/petbird2.jpg"> You ask your bird to talk. “Oh baby,” says your bird in a deep, baritone voice, “I’m too tired to make love to you today. Let’s just take our shirts off and watch the Weather Channel instead. Watching the Weather Channel with our shirts off is just as good as sex. It’s practically the same thing, baby.” This is the only thing your bird knows how to say. He learned how to say this because you used to listen to a Barry White album called “Too Tired For Sex,” which was a concept album Barry White recorded about being too tired to make love to his girlfriend. In almost every song, Barry White suggests watching the Weather Channel shirtless as an alternative to making love. Your bird learned how to talk from listening to this record. [[Understood. I love my amazing talking bird.|Knock at the door]]

<img src="clickventure_img/worm.jpg"> You feed your bird a delicious earthworm. It is his favorite food. “I love my human wife Bonnie!” the earthworm screams as your bird eats him. Your bird is very happy because of the worm you gave him. [[I love to feed treats to my bird.|Knock at the door]]

<img src="clickventure_img/petbird3.jpg"> You give your bird a lovely pet on his head. You hear his brain rattling around in his skull like a one-bean maraca. The brains of birds are the size of a grain of rice because the only things that birds need to think about are flying around, eating food, and killing people. It is a simple existence that does not require much in terms of brain size. [[I love to pet my bird. I love to hear his small brain rattle around in his skull.|Knock at the door]]

<img src="clickventure_img/door.jpg"> You are in the middle of enjoying your bird when you hear a knock at the door. [[Answer the door.|Mailman at door]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/oldman.jpg"> You feed your bird a double-A battery. The electricity of the battery turns your bird into a man. “Now I am a man,” says your bird. “I have to go to work now. Bye bye.” The man who used to be a bird leaves your house to go to work. His job is to be the guy at the slaughterhouse who stamps the word “DEAD” on every pig they kill. It pays $850,000 a year, so your bird can afford to move out of your house and live in a Jacuzzi in the mountains. You never see him again. THE END. [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|Interact with Bird]]

<img src="clickventure_img/mailman.jpg"> You answer your door. It is your mailman. “Hi there!” says your mailman. “Just wanted to let you know that you didn’t receive any mail today. Pretty sad. Goodbye!” [[Slam the door and go back to looking at your bird.|Empty Cage]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptycage.jpg"> You go back inside to look at George Bush the bird, but something is wrong...GEORGE BUSH THE BIRD IS NOT IN HIS CAGE!!! [[Scream for one hour.]]\ [[Scream for two hours.]]\ [[Scream until you die of old age.|ENDING: Die of old age]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptycage.jpg"> You scream for one hour. You miss an entire episode of The Sopranos while you are screaming. “Where is George Bush?” you scream. “Where is my beautiful bird!” Just then, you hear a burp. [[Examine the burp.|Your neighbor ate your bird]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptycage.jpg"> You scream for two hours. You miss two entire episodes of The Sopranos while you are screaming. “Where is George Bush?” you scream. “Where is my beautiful bird!” Just then, you hear a burp. [[Examine the burp.|Your neighbor ate your bird]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/gravestone.jpg"> You scream and scream and scream. You scream for a long time. Years pass, and still you scream. Empires rise and fall, and you spend all that time standing in front of your empty bird cage screaming. Finally, after eons of screaming, you die of old age. Everyone just sort of knows you as The Screaming Doofus, and the only person who attends your funeral is an old lady who attended by mistake because she thought your funeral was a seminar on how to go online to email with her grandson. Congratulations. You are dead. THE END. [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|Empty Cage]]

<img src="clickventure_img/neighbor.jpg"> You turn in the direction of the burp and see your neighbor, Sid Millet. Feathers are stuck to his chin. “I ate your bird,” he says. [[How could you?]]\ [[Why did you eat my bird?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/neighbor.jpg"> “It was actually very easy for me to eat your bird,” says Sid Millet. "It was my religious duty." [[How was it your religious duty?|Christianity Plus]]\ [[What lunatic religion would require you to eat a man’s beloved bird while he is talking to his mailman? |Christianity Plus]]

<img src="clickventure_img/neighbor.jpg"> “I ate your bird because of my religion,” says Sid Millet. “I belong to a religion called Christianity Plus, which is exactly like Christianity except there’s one extra rule that requires you to make a pilgrimage to your neighbor’s house once a year and eat one of his belongings. This year, I chose to eat your bird.” [[I don’t like that at all.]]\ [[Is this why you ate one of my shirts last year?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/neighbor.jpg"> “I belong to a religion called Christianity Plus, which is exactly like Christianity except there’s one extra rule that requires you to make a pilgrimage to your neighbor’s house once a year and eat one of his belongings. This year, I chose to eat your bird.” [[I don’t like that at all.]]\ [[Is this why you ate one of my shirts last year?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/neighbor.jpg"> “I don’t care if you don’t like it. It’s my religion and I had to eat your bird. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to church for my stupid religion, which I love.” And with that, Sid Millet climbs out your window and walks down the street, leaving you alone in your birdless home. [[Clench your fists in rage.]]\ [[Grind your teeth in rage.]]\ [[Shake your round ass in rage.]]\ [[Rip off your own head in rage.|ENDING: Rip off your own head]]

<img src="clickventure_img/neighbor.jpg"> “Yes.” [[I don’t like that at all.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/fists.jpg"> You clench your fist in rage. The picture here is not of your fist, but it provides several examples of fists doing the same thing that your fist is currently doing. You are doing this because you are FURIOUS...because your neighbor SID MILLET (pervert) ate your BIRD (beautiful). You know what that means... [[TIME FOR REVENGE.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/teeth.jpg"> You grind your teeth in rage. The picture here is not of your actual teeth. They are someone else’s teeth. They want them back, but they can’t have them. You are grinding your teeth because you are FURIOUS...because your neighbor SID MILLET (pervert) ate your BIRD (beautiful). You know what that means... [[TIME FOR REVENGE.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/4animals.jpg"> You become so angry that all you can do is shake your round ass back and forth. It’s wonderful. Animals come out of the woods to watch your round ass shake back and forth. Pictured above are some of the animals that come out of the woods to watch you shake your round ass. All the animals agree that they love your angry round ass. [[Keep shaking my round ass.|Ass shake 2]]\ [[That's enough ass shaking for now.|No it's not]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/gravestone2.jpg"> With a shriek of rage, you rip your own head off, and you instantly pass away due to lack of head. Sid Millet goes on to lead a happy life after eating your bird. In fact, the very next day after you die he is voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Everything goes great for him in life, and he eventually dies at the age of 200 years old, surrounded by his 600 husbands and wives, all of whom are supermodels who like to take their tops off. Your life doesn’t end up being anywhere near as interesting as his, seeing that you are dead. Worse, you utterly fail to get revenge on Sid Millet for eating your bird. THE END. [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|I don’t like that at all.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/splitpic.jpg"> Your neighbor has eaten your bird, and now he must pay. It is time for you to get revenge. How would you like to get revenge on your disgusting neighbor, Sid Millet, the cruel man who ate your beautiful bird? [[Eat something that HE loves.]]\ [[Kill him.|Death is too good for him]]

<img src="clickventure_img/4animals.jpg"> No it's not. [[Keep shaking my round ass.|Ass shake 2]]

<img src="clickventure_img/devil.jpg"> You continue to shake your round ass. A type of magical man called The Devil From Hell comes up from underground to take a photograph of your round ass (circle-type of ass) as you shake it back and forth. The Devil takes the photograph of your round ass and brings it back to Hell, where he makes the damned soul of Steve Jobs jiggle the photograph around to make it look like you are still shaking it. Your ass is round like a melon, and that’s neither good nor bad. The animals that came out of the woods to watch you all start to eat each other. [[Keep shaking my round ass.|Ass shake 3]]\ [[That's enough ass shaking for now.|No it's not 2]]

<img src="clickventure_img/devil.jpg"> No it's not. [[Keep shaking my round ass.|Ass shake 3]]

<img src="clickventure_img/splitpic.jpg"> You are so angry that you end up shaking your round ass for a full 17 minutes, which is the official world record for Longest Time For Shaking Something Round, Especially An Ass. You are shaking your round ass because you are FURIOUS...because your neighbor SID MILLET (pervert) ate your BIRD (beautiful). You know what that means... [[TIME FOR REVENGE.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> Great choice. Your neighbor ate your bird—your best friend in the world—and so now it is only fair that you eat something that HE loves. [[Go to Sid Millet’s house.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/splitpic.jpg"> Are you kidding? Mere death is too good for a bastard boy like Sid Millet. He ate George Bush your bird! You must make him suffer. You must get the type of revenge that destroys his soul the same way that he has destroyed your soul. [[Yes...he ate something I loved...and so now I must eat something HE loves.|That's right!]]

<img src="clickventure_img/splitpic.jpg"> That’s right! Now you’re thinking about the truest, cruellest revenge! Time to go to Sid Millet’s house and get sweet retribution by swallowing something he cherishes. [[Go to Sid Millet’s house.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/palace.jpg"> You walk next door to Sid Millet’s house. Breaking in is going to be difficult. Sid Millet has members of the Queen’s Guard from Buckingham Palace protecting his house because he won a royal contest in London for who could fake the most convincing orgasm. The contest was held at Buckingham Palace and judged by Queen Elizabeth herself, and she said Sid Millet’s fake orgasm sounded just like the real thing, and so for winning first prize in the fake orgasm contest he was awarded royal guards to protect his house at all times. [[Those guards are no match for me. I’ll find a way to break in.|I’ll find a way to break in]]\ [[Tell me more about this fake orgasm contest that Sid Millet won.|Tell me more about this contest]]

<img src="clickventure_img/buckingham.jpg"> Oh it was very exciting! Sid Millet got in front of Queen Elizabeth and he made orgasm sounds like “OOOF. OH NO! OH NO! I’M GONNA BARF INTO THE EMPTY BARREL I KEEP NEAR MY BED WHEN I HAVE SEX!” and then he said things that people typically say when they’re having sex like, “IT’S HORNY TIMES FOR THE SHITHEAD NAMED ME!” and “MY DINGUS FEELS LIKE IT’S GONNA FALL OFF!” When Queen Elizabeth heard Sid Millet do this fake orgasm she said, “Holy shit. It’s like you’re really having sex.” And then she awarded him first prize for the best fake orgasm in the world. [[Wow. That’s very impressive.|Very impressive]]\ [[Sounds like my neighbor Sid Millet has really figured out the art of faking orgasms.|Very impressive]]

<img src="clickventure_img/palace.jpg"> Yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that he ate your bird and deserves ruthless retribution. He’s currently at church for his weird bird-eating religion, so this is the perfect time to sneak past those guards and eat something he loves. [[Those guards are no match for me. I’ll find a way to break in.|I’ll find a way to break in]]

<img src="clickventure_img/palace.jpg"> Excellent. How would you like to break into Sid Millet’s house? [[Disguise yourself as the milkman making a routine milk delivery|Disguise yourself as the milkman]]\ [[Hide inside a Trojan horse|Hide inside a Trojan Horse]]\ [[Hide inside a real horse|Hide inside a real horse]]

<img src="clickventure_img/milkman.jpg"> You put on your milkman disguise. It’s pretty convincing. You’ve got milk and everything. [[Approach the guards in your milkman disguise. |Approach guard in milkman disguise]]

<img src="clickventure_img/trojanhorse.jpg"> You construct a Trojan horse and hide inside of it. [[Wait in front of Sid Millet’s house|Wait in front of Sid’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/horse.jpg"> You go to the neighborhood barnyard to find a horse to hide inside of. You find a pretty decent horse. “I’m your hiding place,” says the horse in a deep-voiced whisper. “My belly will make you invisible.” The horse unhinges his jaw like a python and opens his mouth wide enough for you to walk right into his body. [[Walk inside of the horse.]]\ [[This horse seems like a pervert...]]

<img src="clickventure_img/landscape.jpg"> You walk inside of the horse. Inside the horse’s guts is a beautiful meadow, with a shimmering pond and cherry blossoms blowing gently in the breeze. [[Tell the horse to sneak you into Sid Millet’s house.|Tell horse to go to Sid Millet's house]]\ [[Look around you at the beautiful meadow.|Look around the meadow]]

<img src="clickventure_img/horse.jpg"> Oh, yeah, definitely. This horse is a big weirdo. Now it is time to walk into his mouth and hide inside of his guts. [[Walk inside of the horse.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/horse.jpg"> From inside the horse’s belly, you tell the horse to go to Sid Millet’s house so that you can sneak inside. “You’re my secret,” whispers the horse in his baritone voice. “I’m the reason nobody knows where you are.” He then gallops to Sid Millet’s house, with you concealed inside of his guts. [[Ride to Sid Millet’s house nestled inside the horse’s beautiful guts.|Horse arrives at Sid Millet's house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/distantcastle.jpg"> You look around the meadow that is inside the horse’s guts. In the distance you see a beautiful castle. [[Approach the castle.]]\ [[Forget about the castle and tell the horse to go to Sid Millet’s house.|Tell horse to go to Sid Millet's house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/catsoldier.jpg"> You walk across the meadow and approach the castle gate. A cat dressed like a dapper little soldier is standing guard. “Why, you’re just in time!” exclaims the cat guard. He opens the door to the castle and gestures for you to go inside. “Hurry! Get in! Get in! The competition is about to start!” [[Um...competition?|Competition]]\ [[What is this place?]]\ [[Enter the castle.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/catsoldier.jpg"> “Why, the Fred Flintstone Impersonation Competition!” cries the cat guard. “It’s the most important royal tournament in the entire realm, and if you want to compete, you better run inside the castle right away.” [[What is this place?]]\ [[Enter the castle.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/catsoldier.jpg"> “This is Horse Guts Castle, of course!” says the cat guard. “Home to the Queen of Horse Guts Meadow, ruler of all the creatures who live inside of the Pervert Horse.” [[And what competition is happening here?|Competition]]\ [[Enter the castle.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> You enter the castle and walk into the throne room. The Queen Of Horse Guts Meadow is sitting on her throne, overseeing a royal court filled with all sorts of creatures. Humans, centaurs, bugs, gnomes, ogres, and so on. They’re all gathered here for this spectacular event. “Welcome,” says the Queen. “You must be our newest competitor in the Royal Fred Flintstone Impersonation Contest.” [[Yes, Your Majesty. I’m here to compete with my best Fred Flintstone impersonation.|I'm here to compete]]\ [[I’m sorry, Your Majesty. There’s been a mistake. I’m not here to compete. |I'm not here to compete]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> “How wonderful!” exclaims the Queen. “We shall begin the competition right away. The first competitor is Sir Finneas Jarr, Esteemed Knight of the Realm!” The crowd of creatures erupts into applause as a knight in shining armor enters the throne room. [[Applaud along with everyone else.|Applaud for knight]]\ [[Boo.|Boo knight]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> All the creatures assembled in the throne room gasp. “Not here to compete?!?” cries the Queen Of Horse Guts Meadow. “Then I’m sorry, I must ask you to leave.” [[Leave the castle.]]\ [[Actually, Your Majesty, I’ve changed my mind. I will compete in the Fred Flintstone Impersonation contest.|I'm here to compete]]

<img src="clickventure_img/landscape.jpg"> You leave the castle and return to the meadow. Time to use this horse you’re hiding inside of to sneak into Sid Millet’s house and get your revenge! [[Tell the horse to go to Sid Millet’s house.|Tell horse to go to Sid Millet's house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/knight.jpg"> You courteously applaud as your first opponent, Sir Finneas Jarr, stands before the Queen and her gathered subjects and does his best Fred Flintstone impression. “I’m the caveman, ain’t I?” screams Sir Finneas Jarr in a thick cockney accent. “I’m Fred Fredstone! I’m married to my live-in hypnotist Barney Rubble and we have a daughter named Wilma the Wife!” The crowd erupts into applause. The Queen gives the knight a standing ovation. “What a wonderful Fred Flintstone impersonation!” she cries. “I award you a score of 4 Caveman Points out of a possible 5.” Sir Finneas Jarr bows gracefully. [[Oh jeez...that was an amazing Fred Flintstone impression. There’s no way I can top that.|Welcome centaur]]\ [[That was nothing! My Fred Flintstone impression will be way better than that! |Welcome centaur]]

<img src="clickventure_img/knight.jpg"> You rudely boo as your first opponent, Sir Finneas Jarr, stands before the Queen and her gathered subjects and does his best Fred Flintstone impression. “I’m the caveman, ain’t I?” screams Sir Finneas Jarr in a thick cockney accent. “I’m Fred Fredstone! I’m married to my live-in hypnotist Barney Rubble and we have a daughter named Wilma the Wife!” The crowd erupts into applause. The Queen gives the knight a standing ovation. “What a wonderful Fred Flintstone impersonation!” she cries. “I award you a score of 4 Caveman Points out of a possible 5.” Sir Finneas Jarr bows gracefully. [[Oh jeez...that was an amazing Fred Flintstone impression. There’s no way I can top that.|Welcome centaur]]\ [[That was nothing! My Fred Flintstone impression will be way better than that! |Welcome centaur]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> “And now,” says the Queen, “please welcome the next competitor, Jeremy Nighttime: Local Centaur!” The crowd once again erupts into applause as a centaur enters the throne room. [[Applaud the centaur.|Applaud centaur]]\ [[Boo the centaur.|Boo centaur]]\ [[Mumble the word “centaur” under your breath and then burp.|Mumble centaur]]

<img src="clickventure_img/centaur.jpg"> You courteously applaud as a majestic centaur enters the throne room. Everywhere he steps, trees and flowers bloom beneath his hooves. It is breathtaking. This is Jeremy Nighttime: Local Centaur. Standing before the Queen and her gathered subjects, Jeremy Nighttime clears his throat and launches into his finest Fred Flintstone impression: “I’m Friend Feldman!” bellows the centaur in a high-pitched voice like a screaming tea kettle. “Wilma this and Wilma that! Bamm-Bamm is a farm animal that I gave birth to during a hurricane! Every night I ring a little bell and my niece Barney Rubble comes into my living room to hypnotize me. I’m Frido Thunderdome the Neanderthal and I love to get Caveman diseases!” Once again, the crowd erupts into applause. The Queen is on her feet clapping and cheering. “It is like the real Fred Flintstone is right here with us! What a beautiful impersonation of one of the most famous TV cavemen to ever be named Fred! I award you 4.5 Caveman Points out of a possible 5!” [[Wow...4.5 Caveman Points...how can I possibly beat that?|Your turn]]\ [[Winning this competition is going to be a cakewalk.|Your turn]]

<img src="clickventure_img/centaur.jpg"> You rudely boo as a majestic centaur enters the throne room. Everywhere he steps, trees and flowers bloom beneath his hooves. It is breathtaking. This is Jeremy Nighttime: Local Centaur. Standing before the Queen and her gathered subjects, Jeremy Nighttime clears his throat and launches into his finest Fred Flintstone impression: “I’m Friend Feldman!” bellows the centaur in a high-pitched voice like a screaming tea kettle. “Wilma this and Wilma that! Bamm-Bamm is a farm animal that I gave birth to during a hurricane! Every night I ring a little bell and my niece Barney Rubble comes into my living room to hypnotize me. I’m Frido Thunderdome the Neanderthal and I love to get Caveman diseases!” Once again, the crowd erupts into applause. The Queen is on her feet clapping and cheering. “It is like the real Fred Flintstone is right here with us! What a beautiful impersonation of one of the most famous TV cavemen to ever be named Fred! I award you 4.5 Caveman Points out of a possible 5!” The centaur bows graciously and leaves the throne room. [[Wow...4.5 Caveman Points...how can I possibly beat that?|Your turn]]\ [[Winning this competition is going to be a cakewalk.|Your turn]]

<img src="clickventure_img/centaur.jpg"> You mumble the word “centaur” and then burp. A gnome standing nearby looks at you and gives you the middle finger. Then the everyone in the throne room erupts into cheers as a majestic centaur enters. Everywhere he steps, trees and flowers bloom beneath his hooves. It is breathtaking. This is Jeremy Nighttime: Local Centaur. Standing before the Queen and her gathered subjects, Jeremy Nighttime clears his throat and launches into his finest Fred Flintstone impression: “I’m Friend Feldman!” bellows the centaur in a high-pitched voice like a screaming tea kettle. “Wilma this and Wilma that! Bamm-Bamm is a farm animal that I gave birth to during a hurricane! Every night I ring a little bell and my niece Barney Rubble comes into my living room to hypnotize me. I’m Frido Thunderdome the Neanderthal and I love to get Caveman diseases!” Once again, the crowd erupts into applause. The Queen is on her feet clapping and cheering. “It is like the real Fred Flintstone is right here with us! What a beautiful impersonation of one of the most famous TV cavemen to ever be named Fred! I award you 4.5 Caveman Points out of a possible 5!” The centaur bows graciously and leaves the throne room. [[Wow...4.5 Caveman Points...how can I possibly beat that?|Your turn]]\ [[Winning this competition is going to be a cakewalk.|Your turn]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> The Queen turns to you. “Now it is your turn,” she says to you. “Please show us your best Fred Flintstone impersonation. [[Yes, Your Majesty. I'm ready.|Your Fred Flintstone Impression]]

<img src="clickventure_img/fredflintstone.jpg"> You take a deep breath. Time to wow this whole castle with your Fred Flintstone impression. [[Oink oink! Look at me! I’m Freddy Frankenstein! I’m from 1,000 years ago. Wilma’s my wife and after we have caveman sex she takes me into the driveway and runs me over with her car. Oh! Hallelujah! I’m the proud grandfather of Dino and Bamm-Bamm! Every morning right when I wake up, my babysitter Barney Rubble climbs through my window and hypnotizes me! I love to be a sick old caveman named Funky Fireman!|You win!]]\ [[Jesus Christ! I’m Filthy Frederick from Caveman Days. I work as a divorce attorney in Caveman Cove. My boss’s name is Barney Rubble and when I do a good job at work, he comes into my office and hypnotizes me. He makes me think I’m a rooster and he makes me think I’m a sick old dog! I love being a caveman, but I hate being Fred Flintstein! I was born before Christ, but I still know who he is, and I do not care for him!|You win!]]\ [[I can’t believe this, but I’m Foghorn the Flea! A dinosaur stomps on me every second of my life and I was born before the Vietnam War! I live in a cave with Bamm-Bamm the murderous infant, my wife Wilma, and her son from a previous marriage, Dino the Animal. Every time Dino gets sick, I kill him by hitting him over the head with a metal folding chair. I wish I had more sophisticated ways of dealing with illness, but I live in Caveman Days and killing people with folding chairs is the only thing I know how to do when people get sick!|You lose!]]\ [[I am Fredo Flim-Flam. I have a cereal called Fruity Pebbles and eating it turns your stomach into a petting zoo for bugs. I live in the town of Bedrock where I do not pay taxes, even though I’m supposed to. Every evening, my doula Barney Rubble climbs out of a hole in the ground and hypnotizes me. He uses hypnosis to make me do all sorts of things. He makes me marry a cockroach and he makes me think that my tongue is somebody else’s tongue that the army put in my mouth while I was sleeping. I don’t think it’s good or bad that he hypnotizes me to do these things. I’m Theodore Finkleburg from Caveman Days.|You win!]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> You finish your Fred Flintstone impression. There is a moment of tense silence in the throne room. Then all the spectators erupt into thunderous applause. “That was the greatest Fred Flintstone impression I have ever seen!” shrieks the Queen. “It was like the real Fred Flintstone was standing naked before us, exposing his average-sized genitals for all of us to look at! I award you 5 out of 5 Caveman Points and declare you the winner of this competition!” Everyone cheers and hollers. You are the Champion Fred Flintstone Impersonator of Horse Guts Valley. [[Take a bow.|Queen offers reward]]\ [[Blow a kiss.|Queen offers reward]]\ [[Wave to your adoring public.|Queen offers reward]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> The Queen looks at you with complete disgust. “That was your Fred Flintstone impression?” she asks angrily. “That was terrible! While it was mostly accurate, you didn’t even mention getting hypnotized by Barney Rubble, which is the most important part of any Fred Flintstone impression. I award you 0 Caveman Points.” All the spectators in the throne room gasp in horror. “A Fred Flintstone impression so bad means that you clearly need to study Fred Flintstone more intently in order to become better at doing an impression of him,” says the Queen. “I hereby sentence you to stare at a picture of Fred Flintstone for 100 years.” [[Forgive me, Your Majesty!|Punished by Queen]]\ [[Oh no!|Punished by Queen]]\ [[You’re right...that was a terrible performance. I accept my punishment.|Punished by Queen]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> “As a reward for winning the competition, I would like to offer you the opportunity to become the Royal Fred Flintstone Impersonator for the rest of time!” says the Queen. “You will spend all of eternity here in this castle delighting all the creatures of Horse Guts Meadow with your incredible Fred Flintstone impression. You will live a life of luxury and happiness, and you will be beloved by all!” [[I accept!|Becoming Royal Fred Flintstone Impersonator]]\ [[I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but I can't stay here. I need to get revenge on my neighbor for eating my bird.|I need to get revenge]]

<img src="clickventure_img/distantcastle.jpg"> And so you become the Royal Fred Flintstone Impersonator of Horse Guts Castle. Every day, the creatures of Horse Guts Meadow gather in the throne room to hear you say things like, “I’m Flip Dumpsterdungeon from the Month of Caveman! My piano teacher Barney Rubble is parachuting out of the sky to hypnotize me as we speak!” When they hear you say these things, all the creatures gathered around you applaud and throw flowers at you. It is a very nice existence. If you wanted, this is how you could spend the rest of eternity. But despite all the accolades and adoration, despite the luxury and glamor of your life, you can never feel truly happy, for in your heart you know you have unfinished business. Your neighbor Sid Millet ate your beloved bird George Bush, and you still need to get revenge. In your heart, you know you cannot stay. [[While everyone in the castle is sleeping, sneak away to continue your quest for revenge.|Leave the castle]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queen.jpg"> “This makes me sad,” says the Queen, “but I understand how important revenge is. Revenge is one of the most sacred and beautiful things a human being can do, and not even I, the Queen of Horse Guts Meadow dare stand in the way of someone’s righteous quest for retribution. Good luck on your journey. I hope you get the revenge you seek.” [[Bow to the Queen and leave the castle.|Leave the castle]]

<img src="clickventure_img/caveman.jpg"> As punishment for your bad Fred Flintstone impression, the Queen of Horse Guts Meadow sentences you to stare at this picture of Fred Flintstone for 100 years. [[Stare at this picture of Fred Flintstone.|Years go by]]

<img src="clickventure_img/caveman.jpg"> You stare at the picture of Fred Flintstone. Years go by. Every now and then you think you can hear the picture mutter, “Time for my soccer coach Barney Rubble to meet me in the gym locker room and hypnotize me. I’m Fred Flagstaff.” [[Keep staring at the picture.|100 years go by]]

<img src="clickventure_img/caveman.jpg"> Finally, after years of staring at this picture of Fred Flintstone, your 100-year sentence is over. “I hope staring at this picture has taught you more about Fred Flintstone,” says the Queen. “Now leave my castle and never return.” [[Leave the castle.|Leave the castle]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> The horse approaches Sid Millet’s house. You hold your breath and stay hidden inside of his guts. The horse walks up to the royal guard standing watch at the front door. “I have a secret criminal deep within me,” the horse whispers to the guard. “My belly is a palace of mischief.” Jesus Christ! The horse just flat-out blew your cover! [[That pervert horse screwed it all up!|That sounds suspicious]]\ [[I hate this stupid horse!|That sounds suspicious]]\ [[The jig is up!|That sounds suspicious]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> The guard looks at the horse for a long moment. “That sounds incredibly suspicious,” says the guard. “But I’m going to let you in anyway because the first rule of the Queen’s Guard is ‘Always let wild animals into Buckingham Palace.’ The reason for this is that Queen Elizabeth likes to get chased around Buckingham Palace by wild animals like jaguars and coyotes while her husband Prince Phillip follows her around with a boombox playing the Benny Hill music. Even though this is Sid Millet’s house and not Buckingham Palace, it is still my sworn duty to let this horse into the house. You’re free to go inside.” The guard steps aside and invites the horse to go into Sid Millet’s house—with you hiding inside of his beautiful guts! [[Enter Sid Millet’s house concealed inside of the horse.|Horse enters house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/livingroom.jpg"> The horse is now standing around inside of Sid Millet’s house. How would you like to get out of the horse’s body? [[Walk out of the horse’s mouth.|Walk out of the horse’s mouth]]\ [[Burst out of the horse’s belly.|Burst out of the horse’s belly]]

<img src="clickventure_img/livingroom.jpg"> The horse unhinges his jaw once again and you walk out into Sid Millet’s living room. “I have spit out a big surprise,” whispers the horse. “My guts were a hiding place for a mischief person, and now my mouth is a doorway to crime. For me, that is like an orgasm of sex.” The horse turns around, walks out the door, and begins his journey back to the barnyard. [[Wave goodbye to the pervert horse.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/livingroom.jpg"> Loudly and violently, you burst out of the horse’s belly. Horse guts and meat go flying in all directions. “I have given birth to my secret,” whispers the horse. “I swallowed a trick, and then the trick exploded out of my boy-womb. Time to die a happy horse.” The horse whispers the word, “Orgasm” and then dies. [[Jesus Christ. Well, at least I’m inside.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/livingroom.jpg"> You are inside Sid Millet’s house, standing in his living room. Time to find something he loves and eat it. [[Swallow his favorite Hawaiian shirt.|Swallow his Hawaiian shirt]]\ [[Swallow his prize-winning cactus.|Swallow his cactus]]\ [[Swallow his signed photograph of Harry Styles.|Swallow signed photograph of Harry Styles]]

<img src="clickventure_img/trojanhorse.jpg"> Hidden inside your Trojan horse, you wait outside of Sid Millet’s house. One of the guards outside the house sees the gigantic wooden horse and walks over to it. “Wow...a huge wooden horse!” says the guard. “I should bring this inside the house right away! Gigantic wooden animals are incredible, and they belong inside.” [[Yes! Keep waiting! Soon the guard will bring you inside!|Keep waiting]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard2.jpg"> A second guard runs up to the Trojan horse. “Wait! Hold on!” he yells at the first guard. “Haven’t you ever heard of a Trojan horse? It’s when guys hide inside a big wooden horse as a trick, and then when you bring the horse inside your house, the guys jump out of the horse and moon you with their asses and give you swirlies in the toilet and stuff. We need to do a test to make sure that this wooden horse is real and doesn’t have a guy hiding inside of it.” Uh oh...get ready for a Horse Test! [[Prepare for the Horse Test.|Horse Test]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> The guard turns to the Trojan Horse. “Here is the Horse Test,” he says. “I’m going to ask you a question that only a real wooden horse would know… WHO WON THE 1971 NATIONAL LEAGUE CY YOUNG AWARD?” [[Tom Seaver|Incorrect!]]\ [[Bob Gibson|Incorrect!]]\ [[Fergie Jenkins, but it should have been Tom Seaver|Correct!]]\ [[Doc Ellis|Incorrect!]]\ [[Juan Marichal, but it should have been Bob Gibson|Incorrect!]]\ [[Al Downing|Incorrect!]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “THAT IS INCORRECT!” shouts the guard. “You are obviously a fake wooden horse and you have a person inside of you who is waiting to jump out and do wicked deeds. A true wooden horse would have known the winner of the ‘71 Cy Young Award, and you have failed. As punishment, I hereby order you to blow up in a massive explosion.” [[Blow up in a massive explosion.|Blow up in a massive explosion]]\ [[Refuse to blow up.|Refuse to blow up]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/explosion.jpg"> You comply with the guard’s instructions and blow up in a massive explosion. You get a merit badge for obeying authority, but sadly you also explode to death. THE END [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|TIME FOR REVENGE.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> In defiance of the guard’s orders, you stubbornly refuse to explode. “How dare you disobey a direct order from a man in a stupid uniform!” shrieks the guard. “If you don’t follow my instructions, then I am going to punish you in a terrible way!” [[Obey the guard and explode.|Blow up in a massive explosion]]\ [[Do your worst, you doofus! I fear no authority!|Do your worst]]

<img src="clickventure_img/naughtyhorse.jpg"> “You asked for it!” shouts the guard. “Now I’ll show you what happens to people who don’t follow the rules!” The guard spray paints the word “NAUGHTY” onto the side of your Trojan horse. “Let that be a lesson to you.” [[Die of shame.|ENDING: Die of shame]]\ [[Okay, fine. Can I go inside now?|Can I go inside now?]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/gravestone2.jpg"> The guard’s graffiti destroys you. You cannot live with everyone knowing you are so naughty and do not obey the rules. You die of shame. THE END [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|Hide inside a Trojan Horse]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “Yeah, I suppose,” says the guard. “As a ding dong in uniform, my job is to yell at people and punish them for stuff. Now that I’ve yelled at you and punished you, my job is done and I don’t care what happens to you or anyone else.” He steps aside and opens the front door of Sid Millet’s house. “Go right on in,” he says. [[Go inside Sid Millet’s house.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> Sporting your milkman disguise, you approach the front door of Sid Millet’s house. “Halt!” yells one of the guards. “State your business at the house of Sid Millet, the best orgasm faker in the world.” [[Why, don’t you know me? I’m your loyal neighborhood milkman! I’m here to deliver a boiling hot bottle of milk that came from a loud healthy cow.|I’m the milkman]]\ [[I am...Milk. I have thermos of...fresh yogurt...from...tits of lizard.|I’m the milkman]]\ [[I am a criminal from the house next door. I’m here to get revenge on Sid Millet for eating my bird.|Revenge you say?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “The milkman, eh?” says the guard. “Well, there’s nothing better than boiling hot milk from a loud healthy cow. Please come inside and place the milk under Sid Millet’s pillow so that he can drink it when he gets home from church.” The guard steps aside and gestures for you to enter your neighbor’s house. [[Thank you! In I go!|Stopped by milkman]]\ [[You bet, sir! I love to bring the hot milk to the populace.|Stopped by milkman]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> The guard raises an eyebrow. “Revenge you say? Well, normally I would have to stop you from breaking and entering, but there is nothing in the world so wonderful as revenge. Revenge is what separates humans from animals, and it is very important to always seek cruel retribution for every wrong—real and perceived—that is committed against you.” He opens the door for you and bows. “Please enter,” he says, “and best of luck with your quest for vengeance.” [[Go inside.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/milkman2.jpg"> You’re about to enter the house when all of a sudden you hear a man cry out, “What is going on here?” You turn around and the real milkman is standing right beside you, ready to make his delivery. [[Uh oh...|Uh oh]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “What is the meaning of this?” asks the angry guard. “TWO milkmen? Preposterous! One of you is obviously an imposter.” [[He’s the imposter, sir! I am the milkman and always have been!|He's the imposter]]\ [[We’re BOTH the milkman. Every house gets two milkmen and only one mailman because milk is twice as important as mail.|We’re both the milkman]]\ [[The jig is up! I am the imposter! I dressed up as a milkman so that I could sneak inside this house for revenge!|Revenge you say?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/milkman2.jpg"> “That’s insane!” cries the real milkman. “I’m obviously the real milkman! I’ve been drowning this town in milk for centuries!” [[What madness is this?!? I am the true milkman! I have been flooding the world with milk since the days before God!|I’ll settle this]]\ [[Only a fake milkman would claim to be the real milkman!|I’ll settle this]]\ [[Shut up! SHUT UP! I’m going to kill you in front of your favorite baseball player!|I’ll settle this]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “That makes sense to me,” says the guard. “Milk is more important than mail because if you are on fire you can use milk to put it out, but throwing mail at a fire only makes the fire worse. It’s obvious to me now that milk is at least twice as important as mail, so it makes sense for every house to have two milkmen.” The guard opens the door and bows. “Please go inside and deliver your important milk,” he says. [[Go inside.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “Enough!” shouts the guard. “I’ll settle this right now. I’m going to ask a question that only the real milkman would know.” The guard clears his throat and then asks his question that only the real milkman would know: “WHERE DOES MILK COME FROM?” [[Milk comes from when a farmer tugs on a gross old cow’s belly bag and a delicious type of glue called milk comes forth!|Sounds right to me]]\ [[Okay, here is how we get milk. First, the farmer plays a beautiful song on the piano while the cow uses its hands with LONG FINGERS to milk itself and dump its milk into a crystal goblet in the shape of a skull. And then the farmer takes the milk to the desert and vultures lay eggs in the milk and the eggs hatch into bugs and fish (both from the same egg), and the bugs and fish swim in the milk and are friends in the milk and then the fish eat the bugs and the fish get sick and die, and the farmer watches and smiles while he lets the milk get SCALDING HOT in the desert sun and then the farmer blows his trombone and I hear the trombone blasting in the desert that’s how I know where to find him and the milk, and I kiss the farmer on the LIPS and take the milk out of the desert and bring it to the neighborhood where I deliver it to all the thirsty people!|Sounds right to me]]\ [[Milk do of course come from the lizard.|Sounds right to me]]\ [[Milk is God’s sneeze. God is allergic to his live-in dentist Jesus Christ, and so whenever he smells Jesus Christ’s fur he does a huge sneeze from his honker and milk comes rushing out of it (the honker of God). The milk falls from heaven and the milkman catches the milk in a bottle and delivers it to all the thirsty people of the neighborhood.|Sounds right to me]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “That sounds right to me,” says the guard. “Of course, I don’t know where milk comes from because I’m not a milkman, so I can’t tell if you’re right or not.” [[Thank you. I am right.|Thank you. I am right.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/milkman2.jpg"> The guard then turns to the real milkman. “And now I shall ask you the same question,” says the guard. “WHERE DOES MILK COME FROM?” The milkman stammers. “Uh...I don’t know...I just find the milk in my garage every morning and I deliver it...I suppose milk comes from...goose?” [[Wow, this guy has NO IDEA what he’s talking about. He’s a fake milkman for sure.|Yes, he is fake]]\ [[Imposter alert! This guy doesn’t know where milk comes from!|Yes, he is fake]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “Yes,” says the guard. “This man clearly has no idea where milk comes from. He is the false milkman. I hereby sentence him to 1,000 years of being a warthog who can only say Gatorade flavors.” [[That sounds like a fair punishment.|Milkman becomes warthog]]\ [[Give the guard a thumbs up to show that you think this is a good idea for a punishment.|Milkman becomes warthog]]

<img src="clickventure_img/warthog.jpg"> “No!” screams the milkman. “Anything but that!” He tries to run, but it is too late. The guard uses the power of the law to turn him into a warthog. “Fruit punch!” screams the warthog that used to be a milkman. “Riptide Rush! Glacier Freeze! Orange!” The warthog frantically runs in circles screaming Gatorade flavors. “He will be like this for 1,000 years,” says the guard. “But you are free to go inside and deliver the milk, because I know for sure now that you are the real milkman.” He holds the door open for you and bows. [[Go inside Sid Millet's house.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/closet.jpg"> You enter Sid Millet’s boring closet. It seems to be filled with the most boring clothes in the world. There’s nothing in here except for normal shirts and a type of garment that Sid invented himself called the Modesty Potato, which is a potato you tie a string to and then dangle in front of your genitals in order to shield them from the world. It is a very ineffectual garment and everyone in the neighborhood has seen Sid’s penis many times because the Modesty Potato is always swinging back and forth and does a terrible job of blocking his penis. You should probably look for the Hawaiian shirt somewhere else. [[Go to Sid’s Special Closet.|Go to Sid's Special Closet]]

<img src="clickventure_img/heavenclosed.jpg"> You approach the gates of Sid Millet’s Special Closet. This is where Sid keeps his most important clothing. This is probably where he keeps his favorite Hawaiian shirt. [[Approach the gates.|Approach the gates]]

<img src="clickventure_img/heavenopening.jpg"> As you draw near to the gates of Sid Millet’s Special Closet, they swing open of their own accord. Beautiful angelic voices can be heard within, singing ethereal hymns about clothing, such as “Pants Is The Hat Of God,” and “Bras Are An Angel’s Eyebrows.” [[Enter Sid’s Special Closet.|Enter Sid’s Special Closet]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> You enter Sid’s Special Closet. An angel stands before you. “Welcome, traveller,” says the angel in a voice that sounds like a Casio synthesizer on the Spanish guitar setting. “My name is Pots And Pans. I am an immortal angel and guardian of Sid Millet’s Special Closet. What do you seek?” [[I seek Sid Millet’s favorite Hawaiian shirt.|I seek Sid Millet’s Hawaiian shirt]]\ [[ I wish to live forever as an angel, just like you.| I wish to live forever as an angel]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “So you wish to see Sid Millet’s treasured Hawaiian shirt?” asks Pots And Pans. “If so, you must prove that you are pure of heart. To prove that you are pure of heart, you must pass the Angel’s Test. Are you prepared?” [[Yes. I am ready to take the Angel’s Test.|Ready for Angel’s Test]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “So you wish to become an angel such as I?” asks Pots And Pans. “That is fine. You are an angel now. Your angel name is Bread Basket. There are two rules for being an angel. Rule 1: Angels only eat bugs. Rule 2: If someone asks you if you like to eat bugs, you have to say, ‘Obviously I like to eat bugs. I’m an angel, aren’t I?’ If you follow these two rules, you can be an angel forever.” [[Live forever as an angel in Sid Millet’s closet.|Angel ending]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/angelwings.jpg"> Okay, interesting. Instead of getting revenge on your neighbor for eating your bird, you have decided to transform into an angel named Bread Basket and spend eternity eating bugs inside of a closet. Every day the mailman brings a big burlap sack filled with bugs and you get on your hands and knees and eat the bugs while you flap your angel wings to scare away the pigeons who are trying to steal your bugs. It is a pretty disgusting existence, but it is the existence you have chosen. You are now a bug-eating angel named Bread Basket, and you failed to get revenge. Whoops. THE END [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “Okay, here is the Angel Test,” says Pots And Pans. “You are in a rowboat with Satan. You are both naked and you both have braces. Satan says to you, ‘I will give you six dollars to kill one million children. What do you do?” [[I accept Satan’s offer.|You have failed the Angel’s Test]]\ [[I refuse Satan’s offer.|Passing Angel’s Test]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “THAT IS THE WRONG ANSWER!” cries Pots And Pans. “IT IS NAUGHTY TO KILL ONE MILLION CHILDREN, AND BY GIVING INTO SATAN’S TEMPTATION OF SIX DOLLARS, YOU HAVE FAILED THE ANGEL’S TEST.” [[Oh no!|Punishment for failed Angel’s Test]]\ [[Wait! Let me try again!|Let me try again]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “YOU HAVE CHOSEN WISELY!’ thunders Pots And Pans. “YOU HAVE RESISTED SATAN’S TEMPTATIONS OF SIX DOLLARS AND PROVEN YOURSELF TO BE PURE OF HEART. YOU MAY NOW ENTER THE SPECIAL CLOSET AND VIEW SID MILLET’S HAWAIIAN SHIRT.” [[Approach the Hawaiian shirt.|Approach the shirt]]

<img src="clickventure_img/hawaiianshirt.jpg"> You approach Sid Millet’s favorite Hawaiian shirt. It smells like Rude Neighbor. [[Swallow Sid Millet’s beloved Hawaiian shirt.|Shirt has been eaten]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptyroom.jpg"> You eat Sid Millet’s precious Hawaiian shirt. It tastes like a tropical island. All of a sudden you hear a cry of anguish. It is the sound of a man having his soul turned into jelly due to sadness.= [[Turn to examine the cry.|Examine the cry SHIRT VERSION]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> You turn around and see Sid Millet, a look of complete despair on his face. “Where is my Hawaiian shirt? My special Hawaiian shirt I wear to funerals and to the dentist?” [[I ate it, you bird-swallowing maniac!|I ate your shirt]]\ [[It is in my guts getting turned into muscle so that I can lift cars over my head! I ate your precious shirt as an act of revenge!|I ate your shirt]]\ [[I...ATE!!!|I ate your shirt]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> “Oh my God! Oh no! Oh my sweaty, mumbling Christ! NO!” cries Sid Millet. He begins to weep. He is now an utterly broken man. “My Hawaiian shirt is gone! Now I’m going to have to go the dentist shirtless and go to funerals in nothing but rain boots!” [[Yes...YES...weep, Sid Millet! Weep! You were a rude neighbor who ate my bird, and your pain brings me great joy!|I have nothing attaching me to the earth anymore]]\ [[Holy shit! I love revenge!|I have nothing attaching me to the earth anymore]]

<img src="clickventure_img/starrysky.jpg"> “Without my Hawaiian shirt, I no longer have any reason to remain on the earth,” weeps Sid Millet. “It is time for me to take my place in the night sky.” Sid Millet floats away into the sky, where his body is transformed into a truly shitty constellation called Thirsty Zeus, the stars of which depict Zeus drinking rainwater out of an Air Jordan sneaker and getting sick from it. NASA votes it the worst constellation in the sky, and every night they send a bunch of astronauts in spacesuits into the NASA parking lot to throw rocks into the sky in an attempt to hit the Thirsty Zeus constellation. Sid MIllet is now gone (turned into bad constellation that astronauts throw rocks at). You have done it. You have gotten revenge on your neighbor for eating your bird. How does it feel? [[Incredible.|I feel incredible SHIRT VERSION]]\ [[Beautiful.|I feel incredible SHIRT VERSION]]\ [[I feel like God.|I feel incredible SHIRT VERSION]]\ [[I feel like God's babysitter, who gets to yell at God for misbehaving.|I feel incredible SHIRT VERSION]]\ [[I've never felt so satisfied in my life.|I feel incredible SHIRT VERSION]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptyroom.jpg"> You are about to leave Sid Millet’s Special Closet and go home when all of a sudden you hear a deep baritone voice declare, “I HAVE RETURNED!” [[Turn around to see who it is.|The bird returns]]

<img src="clickventure_img/georgebush.jpg"> It’s your bird George Bush, back from the dead! [[George Bush! You’re alive! But how?|You're alive?]]\ [[Hell yeah! It’s my dead friend, the bird George Bush!|It’s my dead friend]]\ [[Scream because this might be a ghost bird.|Maybe ghost bird]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “As punishment for failing the Angel’s Test, I shall transport you inside of Edvard Munch’s painting Annoying Guy Whining,” says Pots And Pans. [[Oh no again!|ENDING: Inside “The Scream”]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “VERY WELL,” says Pots And Pans. “YOU MAY TRY ONE MORE TIME.” [[I would refuse Satan’s offer.|Passing Angel’s Test]]\ [[I would accept Satan’s offer again.|That is still the wrong answer]]

<img src="clickventure_img/angel.jpg"> “THAT IS STILL THE WRONG ANSWER!” thunders Pots And Pans. “YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN FAILED THE ANGEL’S TEST.” [[Oh no!|Punishment for failed Angel’s Test]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/thescream.jpg"> Pots And Pans does some angel magic to transport you inside of Edvard Munch’s famous painting called Annoying Guy Whining. You find yourself standing next to the famous whining guy from the painting. “My crotch smells like a dog’s shoe,” moans the Whining Guy. “And potatoes taste too boring!” You try to escape, but there is no way out. Pots And Pans has sealed you inside this painting forever, and you are trapped with the whining guy for all eternity. You spend the rest of time listening to the whining guy piss and moan about things like his fingers being “too oval” and how his hair “doesn’t spend enough time on other people’s heads.” It is the most annoying existence in the world, and it is your fate for the rest of forever. You failed to get revenge on your neighbor for eating your bird, and you’re trapped in a painting with a colorful whiner. Rats. THE END [[Start Again.|Start]]\ [[Restart from checkpoint.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]

<img src="clickventure_img/livingroom.jpg"> Yes, good idea. Sid Millet has a cherished Hawaiian shirt that he wears on special occasions like funerals and trips to the dentist. You have often heard him say, “If I couldn’t wear my favorite Hawaiian shirt to the dentist, I wouldn’t want to continue being alive.” Eating this shirt will be a perfect way to get revenge on him for eating your bird. [[Go to Sid’s boring closet.|Go to Sid's closet]]\ [[Go to Sid’s Special Closet.|Go to Sid's Special Closet]]

<img src="clickventure_img/livingroom.jpg"> You decide to swallow Sid Millet’s prize-winning cactus. Where would you like to look for his cactus? [[Look in his cactus room.|Check his Cactus Room]]\ [[Look in his Mick Jagger room.|Check his Mick Jagger Room]]

<img src="clickventure_img/harrystylesphoto.jpg"> Excellent choice. Sid Millet has a signed photograph of One Direction star Harry Styles that is one of his most prized possessions. If you swallow it, he would be completely destroyed and your revenge would be complete. Now you just need to find where he keeps the photo. Where would you like to look? [[Check around his living room.|Check living room]]\ [[Check his kitchen.|Check kitchen]]\ [[Check his basement.|Check basement]]\ [[Check his bedroom.|Check bedroom]]

<img src="clickventure_img/cactus.jpg"> Yes...there it is. Sid Millet’s prize-winning cactus. The prize that this cactus won is Most Foul-Mouthed Cactus at the International Cactus Competition. “Shit and bitch,” says the cactus. “You’re my shit’s ass. My ass is a bitch.” [[Sit around and listen to the cactus say some more profanity.|More profanity]]\ [[Wow, this is one foul-mouthed cactus…|This is a foul-mouthed cactus]]

<img src="clickventure_img/mickjagger.jpg"> You enter Sid Millet’s Mick Jagger room. Mick Jagger’s in there. “I drink polluted lake water to make my hair very sick and dry,” Mick Jagger says. [[That’s pretty interesting, but I don’t have time to learn about how you drink polluted lake water. I’m looking for Sid Millet’s cactus so I can swallow it.|You should look in the Cactus Room]]\ [[Wow! Tell me more about how you drink polluted lake water!|Tell me more about lake water!]]

<img src="clickventure_img/cactus.jpg"> “My own ass is my personal bitch,” says the cactus. “My shit’s name is Fuck.” Wow! This cactus is really cussing up a storm. No wonder it won a prize for being the most foul-mouthed cactus in the world. Well, time to swallow it to get revenge on Sid Millet. [[Swallow this cactus to get revenge on Sid Millet.|Time to swallow cactus.]]

<img src="clickventure_img/cactus.jpg"> It really is. This cactus has a mind of a Toilet Queen and the mouth of a Gutter Man. [[Swallow this cactus to get revenge on Sid Millet.|Time to swallow cactus.]]\ [[Sit around and listen to this cactus say some more profanity.|More profanity]]\ [[I can’t eat such a foul-mouthed cactus! It’s such a wonderful cactus who says such wonderful cuss words!|I can't eat this cactus!]]

<img src="clickventure_img/cactus.jpg"> You swallow the cactus. “A bitch is a type of ass,” mumbles the cactus as it disappears into your mouth. No sooner have you eaten the cactus when you hear an anguished cry. [[Turn to examine the anguished cry.|Examine the anguished cry]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> It’s Sid Millet, looking on in absolute horror. “My cactus! Oh my God! Oh no and oh Jesus!” he screams. “My foul-mouthed cactus that I loved!” [[That’s right, Sid! I’ve eaten your beloved cussing plant! This is for eating my bird, you fiend!|I can’t live without my cactus]]\ [[Yes! Feel the torment! Feel the misery! Vengeance is mine! That’ll teach you to eat George Bush the bird.|I can’t live without my cactus]]\ [[Cackle maniacally.|I can’t live without my cactus]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> “I loved my foul-mouthed cactus!” sobs Sid Millet. He is a completely broken man. “Every morning, I would walk into my cactus room and say to my cactus, ‘Good morning, my cactus!’ and my cactus would reply, ‘The bitch of my ass is the fuck of my shit,’ and I would smile because I knew that I had the most foul-mouthed cactus in the world.” He weeps and weeps, utterly destroyed. [[Yes...YES...weep, Sid Millet! Weep! You were a rude neighbor who ate my bird, and your pain brings me great joy!|I don’t want to have a brain anymore]]\ [[Holy shit! I love revenge!|I don’t want to have a brain anymore]]

<img src="clickventure_img/brain.jpg"> Sid Millet continues to sob. “I don’t want to have a brain anymore!” he howls. The top of his skull slides open like a car sunroof and his brain launches out of his head and into the sky. [[Watch Sid Millet’s brain fly through the sky.|Woman catches brain]]

<img src="clickventure_img/womanbrain.jpg"> The brain sails through air and is caught by a passing businesswoman. “Gross!” she screams. “It’s some guy’s penis!” She throws the brain in the garbage and continues on her way. Sid Millet is now dead (no brain). You have done it. You have gotten revenge on your neighbor for eating your bird. How does it feel? [[Incredible.|I feel incredible CACTUS EDITION]]\ [[Beautiful.|I feel incredible CACTUS EDITION]]\ [[I feel like God.|I feel incredible CACTUS EDITION]]\ [[I feel like God's babysitter, who gets to yell at God for misbehaving.|I feel incredible CACTUS EDITION]]\ [[I've never felt so satisfied in my life.|I feel incredible CACTUS EDITION]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptywoodroom.jpg"> You are about to go home when all of a sudden you hear a deep baritone voice declare, “I HAVE RETURNED!” [[Turn around to see who it is.|The bird returns]]

<img src="clickventure_img/cactus.jpg"> That’s totally fair. This foul-mouthed cactus is incredible. It shouldn’t have to suffer for the sins of the nasty neighbor Sid Millet. You can swallow something else instead. What would you like to eat in order to get revenge on Sid Millet? [[Swallow his hawaiian shirt.|Swallow his Hawaiian shirt]]\ [[Swallow his signed photograph of Harry Styles.|Swallow signed photograph of Harry Styles]]

<img src="clickventure_img/mickjagger.jpg"> “Oh, you should look in his cactus room, then,” says Mick Jagger. “I think that’s where he keeps his cactus.” [[Thank Mick Jagger and go check Sid’s cactus room. |Check his Cactus Room]]

<img src="clickventure_img/mickjagger.jpg"> “I’ll tell you all about it,” says Mick Jagger. “Every night after the rest of the Rolling Stones have either fallen asleep or died, I sneak down to a polluted lake that is contaminated with nuclear waste from a nearby shampoo factory. I take a big bucket and I fill it up with polluted lake water and I drink the poisonous water in order to make my hair very sick and dry, which attracts pigeons and vultures to live in my hair like a nest.” [[That’s pretty neat, but I’ve got to find Sid Millet’s cactus now.|You should look in the Cactus Room]]\ [[Why do you want pigeons and vultures to build nests in your hair?|Why do you want pigeons and vultures?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/mickjagger.jpg"> “When I am hungry, I eat them,” says Mick Jagger. Most people need to go to the supermarket for their vulture meat, but not ol’ Mick Jagger! I’ve got a vulture nest right on top of my head, and when I’m feeling hungry, I can just reach up and pluck a bird out of my hair and stuff it into my mouth. The moral of the story is: Always drink polluted lake water so that you can eat free vultures until the raw bird meat makes you incredibly sick.” [[Well, that is very cool. Thank you for telling me about that, Mick Jagger. Now I need to leave to find Sid Millet’s cactus.|You should look in the Cactus Room]]

<img src="clickventure_img/lemonphoto.jpg"> You look around the living room, but you don’t find Sid’s signed Harry Styles photo. You do find a picture of a lemon signed by someone named “Tooth Christ,” but that’s probably not worth swallowing. [[Check his kitchen.|Check kitchen]]\ [[Check his basement.|Check basement]]\ [[Check his bedroom.|Check bedroom]]

<img src="clickventure_img/kitchen.jpg"> You look around the kitchen for the signed Harry Styles picture. Unfortunately, the only thing you find is a cookbook called The Gourmet’s Guide To Microwaving Your Own Hair. Time to search somewhere else. [[Check around his living room.|Check living room]]\ [[Check his basement.|Check basement]]\ [[Check his bedroom.|Check bedroom]]\ [[Examine the cookbook called The Gourmet’s Guide To Microwaving Your Own Hair.|Examining cookbook]]

<img src="clickventure_img/barrels.jpg"> You enter Sid’s basement. It’s filled with mysterious barrels, but no signed photo of Harry Styles. [[Check around his living room.|Check living room]]\ [[Check his kitchen.|Check kitchen]]\ [[Check his bedroom.|Check bedroom]]\ [[Check inside one of the mysterious barrels.|Check inside barrels]]

<img src="clickventure_img/bedroom.jpg"> You arrive in Sid Millet’s bedroom. It seems like just a normal bedroom...but then you see an important thing out of the corner of your eye! [[Turn to examine the important thing.|It’s the photo!]]

<img src="clickventure_img/cookbook.jpg"> You open up the cookbook and examine a recipe for something called “Jack O’ Lantern Soup With Hair: A Halloween Treat.” It sounds disgusting, and also quite dangerous to prepare. This does not seem like a good cookbook. Better get back to looking for Sid’s signed Harry Styles photo so you can swallow it. Where would you like to look next? [[Check around his living room.|Check living room]]\ [[Check his basement.|Check basement]]\ [[Check his bedroom.|Check bedroom]]

<img src="clickventure_img/dentist.jpg"> You open one of the strange barrels and a dentist holding a big set of teeth crawls out. “Hello,” says the dentist. “My name is Dr. Tongue, Dentist at Law, and I’ve crawled out of this barrel to sell you a set of human teeth.” [[Oh shit. I do not have time for this.|Dentist keeps talking]]\ [[Oh boy! I would definitely like to buy these teeth!|Dentist keeps talking]]

<img src="clickventure_img/dentist.jpg"> “These teeth are extremely expensive on account of how special they are. They belonged to Elvis Presley, who is famous for his rock ‘n’ roll music and for using his teeth to bite President Richard Nixon.” [[Wow, that’s so cool!|Dentist keeps talking 2]]\ [[I wish I didn’t know that.|Dentist keeps talking 2]]\ [[Please, sir, I do not care about this.|Dentist keeps talking 2]]

<img src="clickventure_img/elvisnixon.jpg"> The dentist ignores you and continues talking. “It was one of the most beautiful moments in American history,” he says. “Richard Nixon had invited Elvis Presley to the White House to give him a free pair of cargo shorts to reward Elvis for dying on the toilet. That is one of the best parts about America: if you die on the toilet, the President invites you to the White House to give you a free pair of cargo shorts.” [[How wonderful!|Dentist keeps talking 3]]\ [[Sir, I do not care about this.|Dentist keeps talking 3]]

<img src="clickventure_img/dentist2.jpg"> But Richard Nixon made one fatal mistake: he put raw ground beef in his pockets because he was saving it to cook on the hood of his car for dinner, and when Elvis Presley came to the White House to accept his free pair of cargo shorts, he smelled the raw beef in President Nixon’s pockets and he said, “Mr. President, you are a hamburger,” and then he used his sharp white chompers to bite Richard Nixon.” The dentist smiles at you. “Elvis would have eaten President Nixon if the Secret Service hadn’t shot him one thousand times and removed his teeth. And then they gave me his teeth to keep and show to people. The moral of the story is that sometimes when you try to bite the President of the United States, the Secret Service will kill you. Even when you’re Elvis.” [[What a beautiful story about teeth!|Dentist says goodbye]]\ [[Okay, that’s fine. I’m going to leave now. |Dentist says goodbye]]\ [[I hated that tale. I’m going to leave now. |Dentist says goodbye]]

<img src="clickventure_img/dentist.jpg"> “Thank you for learning this important lesson about teeth,” says the dentist. “I’m going to crawl back into my barrel now.” He crawls back into his barrel. You’re all alone in Sid Millet’s basement once again. Where would you like to look for his signed photo of Harry Styles next? [[Check around his living room.|Check living room]]\ [[Check his kitchen.|Check kitchen]]\ [[Check his bedroom.|Check bedroom]]

<img src="clickventure_img/framedharrystylesphoto.jpg"> It’s the photo! The signed photo of Harry Styles! The one you want to swallow to get revenge on your neighbor! [[Swallow it.|Swallow the photo]]\ [[SWALLOW IT.|Swallow the photo]]

<img src="clickventure_img/emptyframe.jpg"> You swallow Sid Millet’s precious signed photograph of Harry Styles. It tastes like revenge. [[Delicious.|Sid comes home PHOTO]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> You are standing around feeling triumphant when all of a sudden you hear a blood-curdling scream. Sid Millet is standing behind you staring at the empty picture frame in horror. “My autographed Harry Styles photograph! Where is it?!?” he cries. [[It’s currently digesting in my guts, you rogue! It is providing nutrients to my brain so that I can solve math problems!|Sid is distraught]]\ [[It became food for me!|Sid is distraught]]\ [[Say nothing and cackle maniacally.|Why are you laughing?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> “Oh my God! Oh Christ! Oh no!” screams Sid Millet. “You ate my beloved Harry Styles photo! Oh my God! Oh shit! Oh my loud, tired Christ!” [[That’s for eating my bird, you monster! I have exacted my revenge!|Sid sobs]]\ [[Now you know what it’s like when something you love gets swallowed! Vengeance is mine!|Sid sobs]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> “Why are you laughing?” yells Sid. “Where is my photograph of One Direction star Harry Styles?” [[I ate it, you bird-swallowing fiend!|Sid is distraught]]\ [[Your precious photograph has been swallowed, you bastard boy!|Sid is distraught]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> Sid begins to sob. “My precious Harry Styles autographed photo!” he weeps. “I won it in a contest to see which One Direction fan had the biggest feet. I beat out thousands of teenage girls to win the top prize: an autographed photo of Harry Styles!” He lets out a wail of anguish and then continues. “Every night before I went to bed, I would jiggle my Teva sandals in front of the photo of Harry Styles and say, ‘Look what I have, Harry Styles! Do not be jealous, but I have a pair of Teva sandals!’ and I would imagine that Harry Styles was going insane with jealousy while he watched me jiggle around my Teva sandals because he didn’t have a pair of his own. But now that you’ve eaten my precious photograph, I can never make Harry Styles jealous of my Tevas ever again!” [[That’s right, Sid. You swallowed George Bush the bird, my best friend in the world, and now I have gotten even with you.|I don’t want to live anymore]]\ [[You deserve all your misery, Sid. You were a rude neighbor who ate my bird.|I don’t want to live anymore]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidmillet.jpg"> “How can I go on without my signed photo of Harry Styles?” weeps Sid. “I no longer have a reason to have skin. It’s time for my skin to fall off from grief.” [[Yeah.|Sid’s skin falls off]]

<img src="clickventure_img/sidskeleton.jpg"> Sid is so distraught over the loss of his autographed Harry Styles photo that he decides to have his skin fall off. He is now simply a skeleton, and instead of being alive, he is dead. Your revenge left him such a broken man that he lost the desire to have skin. You have done it. You have gotten revenge on your neighbor for eating your bird. How does it feel? [[Incredible.|I feel incredible]]\ [[Beautiful.|I feel incredible]]\ [[I feel like God.|I feel incredible]]\ [[I feel like God's babysitter, who gets to yell at God for misbehaving.|I feel incredible]]\ [[I've never felt so satisfied in my life.|I feel incredible]]

<img src="clickventure_img/bedroom.jpg"> You are about to go home when all of a sudden you hear a deep baritone voice declare, “I HAVE RETURNED!” [[Turn around to see who it is.|The bird returns]]

<img src="clickventure_img/georgebush.jpg"> “I shall tell you how it is that I am alive again,” says George Bush the bird. “When I was swallowed by your neighbor Sid Millet, I became dead, but when you got revenge against Sid Millet for eating me, I came back to life. I can also speak fluent English and Mandarin now, because of revenge. Revenge made everything better!’ [[That’s amazing! There is truly nothing revenge can’t do!|There’s nothing revenge can’t do]]\ [[What was it like to be dead?|What was it like to be dead?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/georgebush.jpg"> “Yes, it is I, George Bush, your beloved bird!” declares George Bush. “I was dead, but now I am alive because you did revenge. Revenge is the most beautiful and noble thing a person can do, and because you got revenge, I came back to life. I can also speak fluent English and Mandarin now, because of revenge. Revenge made everything better!” [[That’s amazing! There is truly nothing revenge can’t do!|There’s nothing revenge can’t do]]\ [[What was it like to be dead?|What was it like to be dead?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/georgebush.jpg"> You scream because this might be a ghost bird. “Do not be afraid,” says George Bush the bird. “I am not a ghost. I have simply become alive again because of the power of revenge. I can also speak fluent English and Mandarin now, because of revenge. Revenge is the most noble and most powerful thing a person can do, and by getting revenge for my death, you have brought me back to the land of the living. Revenge made everything better!” [[That’s amazing! There is truly nothing revenge can’t do!|There’s nothing revenge can’t do]]\ [[What was it like to be dead?|What was it like to be dead?]]

<img src="clickventure_img/georgebush.jpg"> “Yes, that is correct. Revenge is the best. It makes you feel better, and when you get revenge, all your problems are solved. Everyone should seek revenge for every slight committed against them. If they did, the world would be a happier place. Now, take me home!” [[Take George Bush back home.|ENDING: Take George Bush home]]

<img src="clickventure_img/oldmanhat.jpg"> “It was very boring to be dead,” says George Bush. “When I was eaten by Sid Millet, I went to Bird Heaven, which sounds like it would be good, but it was actually awful. The only thing there is in Bird Heaven is this old guy named Jungle God, who is the jungle version of God. Jungle God sucks. All he does is walk around name-dropping people he met in Hollywood in the 1940s. You’re trying to enjoy Bird Heaven, but then Jungle God will show up and say something like, ‘Did I ever tell you about the time Lauren Bacall threw a hornet’s nest at me as a science experiment?’ or ‘Did I ever tell you about the time Orson Welles changed my legal name to Penis Welles: The Child and then made me pose as his son so he could write me off as a dependent?’ It was very annoying. I did not like being in Bird Heaven with Jungle God, so I’m glad you committed the righteous act of revenge and brought me back to life.” [[I’m glad too! It seems like there’s nothing that revenge can’t do.|There’s nothing revenge can’t do]]

<div class="ending">\ <img src="clickventure_img/petbird.jpg"> You bring George Bush the bird home and put him back in his cage. The two of you live a very happy life together. Through the power of revenge, you have punished your rude neighbor Sid Millet, the idiot you who ate your bird. Because of revenge, your bird came back to life. Your life is perfect until the day your head falls off for no reason when you turn 100 years old. You get buried in Abraham Lincoln’s tomb (they toss Lincoln’s corpse out into the middle of the highway in order to make room for you). George Bush the bird delivers your eulogy, which mostly consists of a profanity-laced plot summary of the movie Roadhouse. Everyone agrees that it’s the best eulogy they’ve ever heard. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: REVENGE SOLVES ALL YOUR PROBLEMS, AND EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT. THE END [[Start Again.|Start]]

<img src="clickventure_img/queensguard.jpg"> “That is correct!” shouts the guard. “You are obviously a real horse, and I will now allow you to enter this house.” He steps aside and opens the door to Sid Millet’s house. [[Enter Sid Millet's house.|Inside Sid Millet’s house]]