We’ve all had times in life when we almost got exactly what we wanted before it was abruptly yanked away, leaving us with nothing but unanswerable questions about what could have been with just a bit more luck. Getting within striking distance of a dream scenario and coming up short is always a tough pill to swallow, and this story is about as brutal as it gets: This teenage boy discovered a human pussy on the back of his family’s grandfather clock, but the clock is right in the middle of the foyer so he can never get any alone time with it.
What a shame. This was so close to being an absolute gamechanger.
In the moments after 14-year-old Josh Gannon of Collingswood, New Jersey inched his family’s grandfather clock away from the wall in search of an outlet to charge his Nintendo Switch and instead found the back of the antique had a real, functioning human vagina, he couldn’t have been more thrilled. Gently caressing the soft-pink pussy that looked cloned from the crotch of a 25-year-old pornstar-turned-podcaster, Josh licked his chops as his mind flashed awesome images of himself railing the shit out of this clock’s fleshy snatch any time he wanted, and in the process becoming a sex legend who knew exactly how pussies worked and how to fuck them like a true pimp. But a few moments later, after giving the clock a few finger pumps and finding that human vaginas, even the ones on 100-year-old clocks, feel even more incredible than he dreamed, a nightmarish realization dawned on him: The grandfather clock is in the middle of the foyer, which is maybe the most impossible place in the house to get enough privacy to take out one’s boner and hump anything.
Just like that, all of Josh’s plans to creampie this pussy with zero regard since clocks can’t get pregnant and shave the clock’s jet black 80s-style bush to modernize his new ready-made snizz flew right out the window as he realized that he couldn’t picture a time when these legendary fuck sessions could actually happen. The foyer is essentially the center of the house, only a few feet from the front door outlined by huge curtain-less windows and just below the staircase’s landing that leads to everyone’s bedrooms—which, of course, is just about the last place anyone would want to nut. When you also factor in that Josh has three overweight younger brothers who don’t play sports and thus have nothing but free time to loudly clomp to and from the kitchen reloading on Pepsi, a mom who works from home and has like no friends or social life, and a dad whose only hobby is eating Pop Corners and watching The Men That Built America in bafflingly long marathon-chunks on the couch less five feet away from the foyer, it’s clear that it’d be near-impossible for Josh to even eat this pussy out for a second or two just to see what that’s like, let alone fuck it like a madman the way his heart desires.
Oof. This is such a rough break.
With the tough hand Josh was dealt, you can’t help but respect the effort he put in trying to make this clock’s human pussy his personal fuck hole. That night, Josh set his alarm for 3 a.m. and quietly snuck down to the foyer, primed and horned-up after perusing GIFs of Salma Hayek, optimistic that the wee hours of the night could be a feasible time to discreetly pump the grandfather clock full of jizz. But when Josh looked up to see his parents’ bedroom door looming over him, knowing that even the slightest sound made by his nads clapping on the oak wood could wake the whole house, he simply couldn’t do it.
In that moment of defeat, it surely wasn’t lost on Josh that with a luckier break, this aesthetically pleasing pussy could’ve been discovered on a lighter piece of furniture—say, the coffee table, or a lamp—that he could easily carry to his room for an all-night slam session. But sadly, those weren’t the cards Josh was dealt. The human pussy belongs to the grandfather clock, the heaviest and least-movable piece of furniture in the house, and Josh had no choice but to slink back upstairs uncomfortably full of the seed he so desperately yearned to shoot into the clock’s human gash.
So brutal. Here’s hoping that one of Josh’s great-aunts from upstate New York dies soon and his family has to drive up there for the viewing while he stays home claiming he has the norovirus, so he can finally get the time and space needed to do some real damage to this grandfather clock’s poon. We’re pulling for you, Josh!
