Apparently, Dad thought our current trip to Noodles & Company would be a perfect opportunity to try out some entirely new vibes, none of which, if we’re being honest, are working too well. Here are six new looks Dad has tried out during tonight’s visit to Noodles & Company.
1. Rockabilly
When Dad offered to take the family out for Noodles because he had “something to show us,” we weren’t quite sure what to expect. Right after Dad ordered his Chicken & Prosciutto Tortelloni with Smoked Gouda, he made a beeline for the restroom and emerged dressed in a full rockabilly outfit. Pompadour, Elvis glasses, one of those shirts that makes it look like you have tattoos…the whole nine. Dad must have expected a stronger reaction to his new look, because after about five minutes he returned to the restroom and reemerged dressed in the ill-fitting khakis and 12-year-old Polo shirt he arrived in. Guess looking like one of the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies wasn’t for Dad after all.
2. Rasta
After taking a few sips of his soft drink, Dad claimed he “didn’t put in enough ice” and came back wearing a rastacap with his hair in dreads, reeking of weed. After a quick survey of the table, he apparently realized we didn’t think this was the look for him, and he claimed, “Well, now there’s too much ice,” and got up and discreetly threw the whole getup away. Thankfully, we’re pretty sure no one saw Dad dressed like this besides us and a nearby baby.
3. Gay
While Dad never explicitly claimed that he was going for a “gay” look with the outfit he must have had on underneath his “rasta” look, that’s our best guess as to what he was trying to evoke. Dad got up to order a second helping of Chicken & Prosciutto Tortelloni with Smoked Gouda and came back with his hair bleached blond, wearing a neon pink crop top, nipple rings, and subtle eyeshadow and lipstick. To be honest, Dad probably would look great if he were to wear what gay men actually wear, like some nice jeans and a crisp white designer shirt, but this one was almost as offensive as the rasta one, and Dad was soon wiping his makeup off with his Noodles napkin and spit.
4. Bodybuilder
Dad’s not in very good shape, but that didn’t stop him from trying out a “bodybuilder” persona during our trip to Noodles. He must have tried doing some push ups in the bathroom to get pumped up because he came out wheezing, covered in self tanner, and wearing one of those stringer tank tops with a barbell on it. He must have realized this wasn’t the vibe for him pretty fast, because he mumbled a few words about “carbing up” while eating his Noodles before saying, “I gotta take another shit,” and heading back into the bathroom to change yet again.
5. Cowboy
We’ve gotta say, out of all of the vibes Dad tried out at Noodles and Company, his “cowboy”look was actually the most fitting. The cowboy hat, boots, spurs, and brown leather vest he donned in the Noodles bathroom actually isn’t a bad look for a paunchy middle-aged guy like Dad, but the problem was it just didn’t look right with all the self tanner still on him from his “bodybuilder” look and his hair still bleached blonde from his “gay” look. Dad’s confidence was actually really high with this one, and he probably would have stuck with this as his new vibe had some teenagers who walked into the restaurant not flat-out laughed in his face the second they saw what he was wearing.
6. Punk/Edgy
It’s pretty clear Dad has no idea what punk rock is, but that didn’t stop him from trying this look out at Noodles as a last ditch effort to find his new vibe. It sort of looked like an outfit a punk rocker character in the background of an ‘80s TV show would wear (red mohawk, denim vest, lightning bolt earring) mixed with Dad’s own “edgy” flourishes (a t-shirt with a mummy on it, studded leather phone case on his belt). Look Dad, we all agree it’s time for you to find a new vibe, but let’s just focus on enjoying our Noodles & Company here. How about you call it a day for now and try out a Brooklyn art student or anime fan look next time we hit TGI Friday’s?
