Know someone who works at a website? Keep these statements to yourself around them!
“Why do you work at a website?”
You think working at a website is a choice? If it was, people who work at websites wouldn’t work at websites, you ignoramus!
“I heard going on websites can make you fat.”
Tell me you’ve never been on a website without telling me you’ve never been on a website…
“How many URLs can you name off the top of your head?”
Hundreds, if not thousands. Would you ask a novelist how many letters of the alphabet they know? Please, spare a website employee and leave this question unasked.
“I’d hate to leave work smelling like computer everyday.”
Seriously? You realize it’s possible to work at a website AND know how to take showers, right?
“My dad got an STI from Internet Explorer.”
And a website worker just got TMI from YOU.
“Please, please, please don’t make websites about me. I’ll do anything.”
Get over yourself. The last thing a website employee wants to do with their free time is make websites about you!
“Must be nice, being paid to use a computer out in the free world, and not locked up in a federal supermax prison, surrounded by dangerous criminals, without access to a phone or the Internet (or any natural light at all in solitary confinement cells).”
Literally, what do you want website workers to do about that?!
“Website.”
SHUT. UP.
“If my computer was my boss I would kill myself.”
Not how websites work. Also, rude.
“Where is your website’s bathroom? Can I hop online and use it real quick?”
Hmm, how about no? Not now, or ever? Their website is their workplace, not your toilet.
“I could tell you work at a website just by how soft and delicate your hands are. You have the hands of a newborn child. May I quietly hold them for a while?”
Unnecessary doesn’t even begin to describe this comment…
“I had a friend who used a website while pregnant and her baby was born shaped like a computer cursor. Just saying.”
And we’re really sorry for your friend, but her situation is an anomaly. Just saying.
“I been on Google before. Heaps of fun, that Google.”
Cool. That’s so cool. Thanks for that completely useless information.
“I bet you look at human beings and see nothing but devices your website’s cookies can track. I find that a morally repugnant way to make a living. So I’ll be rejecting your website’s cookies. I don’t want to see them anywhere near me or my family. I don’t want your ‘enhanced browsing experience’ or ‘personalized ads.’ They make me sick. Are we understood?”
Seek help. Please.
