16 Goddamn Deer I Accidentally Hit On My Way Out Of The Movie Theater Parking Lot
September 15, 2015
How did this keep happening to me?
1. My small drive from hell got started when this deer ran in front of me right as I pulled out of my parking spot. Like all the deer that followed, I never saw it coming.
2. I thought that first deer would be all the deer I’d hit for the night. Why wouldn’t I? But nope. Not even goddamn close. I hit a second deer almost immediately after having this incorrect thought.
3 & 4. I backed into deer casualty No. 3 when I was trying to give myself enough room to drive around deer casualty No. 2, and then I slammed into No. 4 when I began driving forward. All the deer involved in this catastrophe did serious damage to my very decent 2002 Honda Civic, a car that will, quite frankly, never be the same.
5 & 6. After I plowed into No. 5, another deer ran out to check on it. It was a beautiful moment—it sure seemed like they were in the same family—but then I unfortunately hit that one too…my foot slipped off the brake pedal and onto the gas. “Jesus goddamn Christ,” is something I loudly said to myself as the marquee lights flickered in the background.
7. I decided to go outside to see if there were any more deer, but I killed this one with the door when I tried to leave my car.
8. This one fell out of a tree right in front of me, and I had no time to avoid it. It should also be noted that no one else leaving the theater seemed to be having the same problem I was.
9, 10, & 11: These three rolled out of the back of a flatbed truck that was driving in front of me. They were already dead, but I still hit them really bad. For God’s sake, I wasn’t even halfway out of the lot at this point.
12. I admit that I hit this one on purpose to see if I actually like hitting deer. It turns out I don’t, and I feel most bad about this one.
13 & 14. I clipped No. 13, and then it flew in the air—roughly 20 feet—and struck No. 14, which was off to the side eating some spilled popcorn. I didn’t technically hit No. 14 with my car, no, but then again, given my luck, I would’ve probably hit it eventually.
15. I saw this one in the distance, so I flashed my lights to try to get its attention. Naturally, it got surprised by the light, and it immediately dropped dead. I suppose I didn’t technically hit this one either, but I certainly killed it.
16. I sent this last one flying just as I was about to exit the lot. I thought I was in the clear, and then this unfortunate dope jumped out of nowhere. I wish I had never gone to see the re-release of Man Of Steel, even if I had a great time watching it. My car is one big viscera-blanket-wearing dent, and I got banned from the movie theater because of all the deer I killed. Banned for my whole fucking life. Christ, what a terrible night.