Sometimes it’s tricky to tell the difference between a Nearby Rooster and a Faraway Rooster, so here are 20 tips to help you tell the two types of roosters apart when you encounter them in the wild.
1. A Nearby Rooster can be sniffed without assistance, while a Faraway Rooster must be sniffed through a tube.
2. A Nearby Rooster is huge to look at, while a Faraway Rooster is very small to look at, and in some cases can hardly be seen at all.
3. A Nearby Rooster is right fucking here, while a Faraway Rooster is way the fuck over there.
4. If a Nearby Rooster has your child you’ll be pleased, but if a Faraway Rooster has your child you’ll be scared.
5. A Nearby Rooster is in high definition, while a Faraway Rooster is out of focus.
6. A Nearby Rooster’s rooster sounds are loud and piercing, while a Faraway Rooster’s rooster sounds are muffled and soothing.
7. A Nearby Rooster’s coxcomb can be tugged just by sticking your arm out a little bit, while a Faraway Rooster’s coxcomb can’t be tugged, even if you stretch your arm out all the way.
8. A Nearby Rooster has already arrived at your feet, while a Faraway Rooster must still be traveling toward you.
9. A Nearby Rooster can be shot easily, even with a bad gun, while a Faraway Rooster can only be shot with a very expensive sniper rifle.
10. A Nearby Rooster can be ignored only with great difficulty, while a Faraway Rooster can be ignored by pretty much any idiot.
11. You can ask a Nearby Rooster to dance just by whispering, but if you want to ask a Faraway Rooster to dance, you will need to shout.
12. A Nearby Rooster stands out in your pasture, while a Faraway Rooster blends in with your wheat.
13. If you’re looking at a rooster and it knows about you, you’re probably looking at a Nearby Rooster. If you’re looking at a rooster and it’s none the wiser, you’ve probably got a Faraway Rooster on your hands.
14. If you’re trying to have sex with your wonderful lover and a rooster keeps distracting you by looking into your eyes or climbing on top of you, then you’re more than likely dealing with a Nearby Rooster. However, if you’re having sex with your wonderful lover and a rooster is just a small speck on the horizon that doesn’t even seem to care that you’re nude, then that’s probably a Faraway Rooster.
15. If you make a small splash in a pond and a rooster gets wet, that’s probably a Nearby Rooster. If you’ve got a rooster that only gets wet with an enormous splash, then more likely than not that’s a Faraway Rooster.
16. If you hold up a sign that says, “No Roosters Allowed In My Area,” and a rooster screams, “I’ve gotta get out of here!” then that’s probably a Nearby Rooster. If you hold up a sign that says, “No Roosters Allowed In My Area,” and a rooster screams, “I’ve gotta stay where I am!” then that’s probably a Faraway Rooster.
17. A Nearby Rooster has big eyes like marbles, while a Faraway Rooster has small eyes like raisins.
18. A Nearby Rooster is challenging—but not impossible—to lick. A Faraway Rooster is completely impossible to lick.
19. A Nearby Rooster gives off a little heat, while a Faraway Rooster is the same temperature as the wind.
20. A Nearby Rooster is a bird, while a Faraway Rooster is a smaller, blurrier bird.
