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5 Blenders We Tested For You While All Our Friends Were Out Having Fun Go-Karting

Modern blender with fresh mango on wooden table in kitchen

There are a lot of blenders on the market with many different price points, and trying to figure out which one is best for you can be overwhelming. Fortunately, we did the hard work for you and tested these five blenders to see how they really hold up, even though all our friends were out having fun go-karting. It seemed like a lot of fun, and we were bummed to miss out on it.

1. Vitamix 5200 Blender ($550)

At $550, the Vitamix 5200 is definitely on the pricier side, but after testing a few recipes in it and missing out on what seemed like an unforgettable time at the go-karting place with our friends, we can confirm you’re definitely getting the high-end quality you’re paying for. We were very impressed by this blender’s large 64-oz container and its 10 variable speeds, although neither of these features can hold a candle to the pure, unbridled joy of zipping around hairpin turns and burning down straightaways in a dope-ass go-kart on a sunny day. Boy, must’ve been fun. But anyway, if you’re willing to splurge a little, this Vitamix is a fine-tuned workhorse that will serve you well for many years.

2. Hamilton Beach Wave Crusher Blender ($39.99)

Anyone who only intends on using their blender to make smoothies should check out this low cost option from Hamilton Beach that left zero lumps in any of the dozen smoothies we made as we reminded our friends over text that the reason we weren’t at the go-kart place was because we had to stay back and meticulously blend the same ingredients over and over to test blenders for this article that will probably only make us, like, $12 in ad revenue. This model may not have the flashiest design, but its 14 blending options get the job done, and at only $39.99, you’ll have plenty of money left over to spend on go-karting with your friends—that is, unless you can’t go go-karting because you’re stuck at home reviewing the same goddamn blenders that 20 other websites have already reviewed, as that is the cross you must bear when you decide to work for a fucking website instead of getting a real job.

3. Instant Ace Nova Cooking Blender ($119.99)

You know, we probably could’ve gone go-karting had we just half-assed these blurbs based on what people already said about the blenders in Amazon reviews. But we know that our readers trust us, and we always want to give them top-quality content, even if it means that we don’t get to be in the group picture that our friends took at the go-kart place that they all then set as their cover photos on Facebook, making it look like we’re not actually part of the friend group, even though we totally are. Whatever. All in all, there’s nothing this blender can’t do. Soups, nut butters, smoothies—you name it, this thing can handle it, and we just hope that you guys appreciate everything we sacrificed in order to tell you that.

4. KitchenAid K150 3 Speed Blender ($99.99)

Although the KitchenAid K150 gets rave reviews for its sleek, modern look and its ice crushing pre-set, we didn’t find it up to snuff. This model took surprisingly long to blend even the most basic smoothie, and that gave us ample time to check Instagram and see all the hilarious go-karting videos our friends were posting on their stories, which made us feel really terrible and lonely. Blending soups took even longer, and even though we knew it was only going to make us feel worse, we just kept watching this one video on repeat of our friends riding around with their arms in their air like they were on a rollercoaster, but then the guy filming suddenly crashes and the phone goes flying and you can hear everyone laughing about it and having a great time. That should have been us, goddammit. Just because we work for a website doesn’t mean we should have to spend all our time on the computer. We deserve to have fun, too. Anyway, we do not recommend this blender.

5. Ninja Professional Countertop Blender ($117)

Hey, if possible, could you let us know in the comments if these blender reviews are even helpful to you? We’d hate to be doing all this work while missing out on go-karting and drinking beers with our friends if people aren’t using our blender reviews to make more informed purchases. But assuming at least some of you are genuinely interested in our recommendations, let us just say that this Ninja model is an excellent option. It purees like a dream, it’s easy to clean, and, in addition to its 72 oz pitcher, it also includes two 16 oz cups that can be used to make single serving smoothies that you can easily bring with you to the go-karting track, because you have the luxury of just making one smoothie and then carrying on with your day, unlike us, who have to spend hours and hours blending up apples and shit for an article that, realistically, will probably only do about 50,000 pageviews (That’s not good for a website! Digital publishing is dying before our very eyes!). To be clear, we’re not mad. This is our job. We just want to make sure that all our hard work isn’t lost on you and that our decision to skip out on go-karting wasn’t in vain. We are spoiling you fuckers with so much free content, and you should be grateful. Don’t say we never did anything for you.