5 Fish That Know All About You

The ocean is filled with countless magnificent creatures, and some of them are experts about who you are and what you are like. Here are five fish that know all about you.

1. This flounder

This flounder has heard all about you. He’s been told all about your life and what you’re like. He knows about when you were born and what your favorite movies are. He swims around all day pissed off that he knows about you. He wants to know about other people, but instead he knows all about you.

2. This eel

This eel knows where you are right now. It knows what you’re doing. If you were to move to another room or go somewhere else, this eel would also know about it. It doesn’t care, though. It is busy looking for ocean garbage to eat. It goes around thinking about how it knows where you are and how it wishes it could trade its knowledge of your location for information about where more ocean garbage can be found. Eels are capable of growing up to six feet long, but this eel would gladly make itself only one inch long if it meant it could forget all about you. It hates knowing facts that pertain to your life.

3. This hammerhead shark

No human on dry land knows more about you than this hammerhead shark does. It knows all your hopes and fears. It knows what you dreamed about last night, even if you’ve already forgotten. It has an extensive knowledge of your wardrobe. It swims around all day long thinking about all the different shirts and shoes that you own. When it’s chomping into other fish or eating seals, all it’s thinking about is your laundry. It doesn’t have any way to use any of this information, and that makes it very angry. It just has to spend its life swimming around in the ocean knowing about all the different clothes that you own.

4. This octopus

All day long this octopus is knowing all about you. It is capable of camouflaging itself to escape predators, contort its body to fit through tiny spaces, and recall every single one of your middle school locker combinations. Every morning, it draws a perfect image of your face in the sand of the ocean floor and thinks, “I wish this picture of a person was food or a shiny rock instead. Knowing about this person is useless to me.” This octopus knows your height and weight. It once tried to tell a sea turtle what your height and weight were, but the sea turtle got sick and died before the octopus could finish telling it about how tall you are and how much you weigh.

5. This gross thing

This disgusting thing knows everything there is to know about you. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and spends its days thinking about everything you’ve ever done. It whispers the name of your favorite song to other gross fish that live near it. It belches the name of your first crush into the mouth of an undersea volcano. It named a smaller fish after your grandmother and then ate that smaller fish. That’s the kind of stuff that this gross weird fish does at the bottom of the ocean, and that’s because it knows your whole deal. There are no secrets about yourself that you can keep from this weird gross fish.