The ocean is filled with countless magnificent creatures, and some of them are experts about who you are and what you are like. Here are five fish that know all about you.
1. This flounder
This flounder has heard all about you. He’s been told all about your life and what you’re like. He knows about when you were born and what your favorite movies are. He swims around all day pissed off that he knows about you. He wants to know about other people, but instead he knows all about you.
2. This eel
3. This hammerhead shark
No human on dry land knows more about you than this hammerhead shark does. It knows all your hopes and fears. It knows what you dreamed about last night, even if you’ve already forgotten. It has an extensive knowledge of your wardrobe. It swims around all day long thinking about all the different shirts and shoes that you own. When it’s chomping into other fish or eating seals, all it’s thinking about is your laundry. It doesn’t have any way to use any of this information, and that makes it very angry. It just has to spend its life swimming around in the ocean knowing about all the different clothes that you own.
4. This octopus
All day long this octopus is knowing all about you. It is capable of camouflaging itself to escape predators, contort its body to fit through tiny spaces, and recall every single one of your middle school locker combinations. Every morning, it draws a perfect image of your face in the sand of the ocean floor and thinks, “I wish this picture of a person was food or a shiny rock instead. Knowing about this person is useless to me.” This octopus knows your height and weight. It once tried to tell a sea turtle what your height and weight were, but the sea turtle got sick and died before the octopus could finish telling it about how tall you are and how much you weigh.
5. This gross thing
This disgusting thing knows everything there is to know about you. It lives at the bottom of the ocean and spends its days thinking about everything you’ve ever done. It whispers the name of your favorite song to other gross fish that live near it. It belches the name of your first crush into the mouth of an undersea volcano. It named a smaller fish after your grandmother and then ate that smaller fish. That’s the kind of stuff that this gross weird fish does at the bottom of the ocean, and that’s because it knows your whole deal. There are no secrets about yourself that you can keep from this weird gross fish.