We hope you never need to know these, but when someone attacks your printer, you’ll be glad you do.
1. Punch or kick anyone who asks to see your printer: It’s a cliché, but the only way to keep your printer truly safe is to incapacitate all people who show any interest in it whatsoever.
2. Loudly and aggressively threaten your attacker’s printer: The moment an assailant comes at your printer, your first move should be to start screaming and shouting that you’re going to stomp your attacker’s printer to pieces. This will scare off any opponent who thought you or your printer would be easy prey.
3. Call the CEO of Epson and ask him to strangle your attacker: If your printer’s attacker is still not deterred, dial the private phone number of the CEO of Epson, Keith Kratzberg, and ask him to drive over to your place so he can kill whoever is attacking your printer.
4. Knee strike to head: If an attacker moves to unplug your printer, they put themselves in a highly vulnerable position that you must immediately exploit. As they crouch down to reach for the wall outlet, grab the back of their head with both hands and slam it hard into your knee. When the attacker has been knocked out, check to make sure that your printer is still plugged in, then call 911.
5. Print a 128-point Impact-font printout of the words “Citizens Arrest”: If all else fails, reading the phrase that is the bane of criminals everywhere ought to scare anyone away from your precious machine.