Have you been feeling bad and having a frown? It’s probably because you’ve been thinking about depressing things like garbage and false gods. It doesn’t need to be like this. You can instead fill your mind with thoughts of things that make you glad. Here are five things that make a huge smile slowly spread across your face when you think about them.
1. A Sandal
It is impossible not to be glad when you are thinking about a sandal. A sandal is a type of shoe that you can wear and still show off your foot to the world. It is always a happy occasion when a stranger can see your foot, and a sandal makes it possible. Think deeply upon a sandal, and soon a huge smile will spread slowly across your face, revealing your fangs to the world.
2. Money
Let’s face it: Money is awesome. You can use it to buy vodka and you can use it to buy tickets to R-rated movies where adults kill each other. When people think about money, their mouth decides to become a grin. That’s because of how wonderful money is. If you want a big smile that lets you show off your fangs to the people in the supermarket, thinking about money is just about the best decision you can make.
3. The Baseball
The baseball was invented by an insane and friendly murderer hundreds of years ago. The baseball has so many amazing characteristics: It is round like a pearl, it tastes like blood, and it screams when you put it in the microwave. Another amazing thing about the baseball is that when you smack it very hard, it turns into a home run. The many positive qualities of the baseball make it so that when you think about it, a smile makes a nest on your lips and your grin becomes huge. If you want to show off your molars and your proboscis by making a smile, thinking about the baseball is a great way to go.
4. Batman’s Friend
The world can be a very scary place filled with garbage and false gods. That’s why our society relies on Batman to save us from all the miserable bullshit. However, Batman gets very lonely sometimes, and that’s why he relies on his friend to cheer him up. We should all be grateful to Batman’s friend for all the amazing things he does for Batman, like spraying Batman’s face with water when Batman’s face gets dry, and buying vodka for Batman to drink. When you think about Batman’s friend, a smile infests your head and that’s just the way it is.
5. Vodka
Vodka is basically the perfect food. It’s delicious, it’s good for you, and make your eyesight better. You can get vodka for free at most grocery stores, and if the people at the grocery store try to make you pay for the vodka you are allowed to steal it. When you combine all this with the fact that vodka makes you better at important activities like kissing, driving, and screaming, it becomes impossible to think about vodka without having a huge smile spread slowly over your face. We’re all thinking about vodka right now and we’re all smiling, and we’re going to be smiling for the rest of our lives because the world is awesome.
