Legendary quarterback Troy Aikman is famously known as “The Socrates Of The Backfield” due to his deep study of philosophy and his willingness to ask incisive and paradigm-shifting questions about the fundamental nature of reality. Football fans young and old fondly remember Troy Aikman’s passionate advocacy of the “Many Worlds” interpretation of quantum mechanics, which posits the existence of multiple universes different from our own. Here are five times throughout his career as the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys when Troy Aikman reminded NFL fans that the limitless number of alternate parallel universes means that technically every team has won every Super Bowl.
1. After The Cowboys Won Super Bowl XXVII
The first time Troy Aikman won the Super Bowl with the Cowboys in 1993, defeating the Buffalo Bills 53-17, he hoisted the Vince Lombardi trophy over his head and gave a moving speech to all the fans who had supported the team over the course of the season. “This is obviously incredibly meaningful to me, my teammates, and to the entire Cowboys nation, but I just want to point out that according to some of our most cutting-edge scientific theories, we are living in but one of many different timelines. There are universes out there in which the Bills defeated us. There are also realities in which the Giants won, or the Pittsburgh Steelers won. I’d like to congratulate every team in the NFL for winning Super Bowl XXVII in some timeline.” The fans in the arena gave Aikman a standing ovation and he was awarded an honorary doctorate from M.I.T.
2. After The Cowboys Won Super Bowl XXVIII
The very next season, Troy Aikman made history by winning his second consecutive Super Bowl with the Cowboys, once again against the Bills. After the game, Aikman stepped up to the P.A. system and thanked the crowd for their support. Then he said, “While this is a great day for the Cowboys in this universe, we should all remember that, thanks to the work of great physicists like Hugh Everett, we know there are infinite universes where the Bills absolutely destroyed us. There are also universes where neither the Cowboys nor the Bills played in the Super Bowl and the game took place between the Giants and a team called the Portland Vipers. They don’t exist in our universe, but there are some universes where the Portland Vipers have won every Super Bowl ever played. Thank you.”
Aikman then walked off the field to a standing ovation. M.I.T. sent him an honorary doctorate in the mail for his discovery of universes that contained the Portland Vipers.
3. After The O.J. Simpson Trial In 1995
The murder trial of former football star O.J. Simpson captivated the entire nation, and in the wake of the jury’s not-guilty verdict, Troy Aikman went on 60 Minutes to deliver his analysis of what the decision meant for the football world. “As athletes, and as fans of the beautiful sport of football, we can’t really fathom the significance of this event, because you have to remember there are an infinite number of universes where O.J. was found guilty, as well as infinite universes where instead of a murder trial, this was the Super Bowl where every team both won and lost,” Aikman explained to host Leslie Stahl nodded contemplatively. “There are also some universes where O.J. was the one who got murdered, by me, Troy Aikman. I’m happy to say we live in one of the universes where this did not happen, but there are trillions of alternate timelines where it did. In many of those timelines the Carolina Panthers won the Super Bowl after defeating the Portland Vipers 24-6, but there are other timelines where every single team won every single Super Bowl.”
Leslie Stahl then asked Troy Aikman, “Are there any universes where there were dozens of identical versions of O.J. Simpson and they all played for different NFL teams and all of the teams won the Super Bowl at the same time and then all the O.J. Simpsons murdered each other and got found not guilty for their own murder, and then the Jets won the Super Bowl three more times in that same year?” In response, Troy Aikman rolled his eyes and said, “Obviously yes, Leslie. Have you not been listening to a single word I’ve been saying?”
4. After The Cowboys Won Super Bowl XXX
The 1996 season was yet another highlight in Troy Aikman’s superlative NFL career. He put up Pro Bowl-worthy numbers as he led the Cowboys to yet another Super Bowl victory. Following the win, Aikman stepped up to the P.A. system and addressed the cheering crowd. However, although the arena was filled with jubilant Cowboys fans, Aikman was visibly somber and when he spoke to the crowd, it was clear that he was on the verge of tears.
“While I’m glad we won the Super Bowl in this universe, I must acknowledge that reality of an eternal tapestry of interwoven spacetimes, many of which contain universes where every team won the Super Bowl. Sadly, in some of those universes, I died fighting for the Italian army in World War II.” Troy Aikman then burst into tears imagining the universes where he had been killed in 1941 fighting for Mussolini. The crowd started booing him for supporting fascism in those universes and throwing bottles at him from the stands. M.I.T. awarded Aikman an honorary doctorate.
5. On His Deathbed Before Passing Away In 2012
Every football fan remembers exactly where they were when they learned that Troy Aikman had died of a rare kidney disease on a rainy February morning in 2012. Everyone from Hall-Of-Fame quarterback Dan Marino to U.S. President John McCain delivered moving tributes to this great American athlete and all the contributions he had made to the sport of football. Yet the most beautiful statement on Aikman’s life came straight from the man himself. When Aikman died, he was surrounded by loved ones, from his beloved wife, the actress Demi Moore, to his best friend and fellow Nirvana bandmate Kurt Cobain. “I’ve lived an amazing life, from playing quarterback for the Cowboys to founding the social media site Facebook.com in 1998,” the legendary quarterback told his friends and family. “And though I’m sad to be leaving the world of the living, I take comfort in the knowledge that there are infinite universes out there, and in some of those universes, I go on living, watching so many amazing teams win the Super Bowl. There are just so many alternate realities where every single team has taken home the Lombardi Trophy every single year. It’s amazing to think about.” The title track to Nirvana’s fifth studio album, “Many Worlds, Only One You,” was dedicated to Aikman, and when he plays the song live, Kurt Cobain still introduces it as, “My little tribute to the best drummer this band ever had, and one hell of a football player.” Every time it plays on the radio, we can smile remembering Troy Aikman’s incredible life, and imagine a universe somewhere out there where he’s still with us, filling the world with his incredible wisdom.
