Sure, it’s fun hooking up with Mr. Claus when you’re in the mood for it, but if you’re not looking for an invite up to Santa’s sleigh this Christmas Eve, here are 5 ways to subtly drop the hint that just because you’ve hooked up with Santa before doesn’t mean you want to do it again.
Leave a note by the cookies that specify they’re from you AND your husband
Last Christmas you were single, and fooling around with Santa just made sense. But if your relationship status has changed this year, you’re going to want to specify that the cookies weren’t just made by you, all sad and alone, but by you and your partner, in love and having a great time. This is an easy way to give Santa a heads up that any funny business is going to have to wait until your relationship ends, or at least opens up.
Paint an ornament with the quote, “Previous consent to sexual activity does not imply consent to sexual activity in the future.”
For those who are still single but just not feeling a hookup with Santa this year, there are still plenty of ways to let him know he doesn’t need to break out his Listerine Pocketpaks. Adorn your tree with a cute, hand-painted ornament that explicitly reminds him that prior consent never implies future consent so he starts to realize that this year, you’re just not interested.
Only ask for Monistat on your wishlist
A hookup will be the furthest thing from Mr. Claus’s mind if the only thing you asked for was nine bottles of antifungal vaginal cream. If Santa wants to get his rocks off, he’ll just have to try the house next door.
Put caution tape over your chimney
It doesn’t take a lothario to understand that the gesture of Santa climbing down your chimney is incredibly sexual. In fact, it basically counts as foreplay, and you should just cover it entirely with caution tape and warning signs if you know you’re not in the mood to score. Don’t give him any ideas. This year, Santa can use the door.
Just stay in your room
When you hear Santa creeping around your living room, you might feel tempted to go say hello. After all, you guys do have a past, and you did agree to stay friends, even if that friendship just amounts to liking each other’s Instagrams and wishing one another happy birthday. But a friendly greeting is going to open up a conversation, and it’s all too easy for one thing to lead to another. Stick to your guns and just pretend to be asleep through the whole thing. Merry Christmas!
