When you start dating a woman with a teenage son, it might seem pretty challenging to gain the kid’s trust and respect. But all you really need is one simple kitchen utensil to create a deep and meaningful bond with the new adolescent in your life.
1. Pretend to ride the wooden spoon like a witch riding a broomstick
Today’s teenagers have a wide variety of hobbies and interests, but all of them go absolutely gaga for witches and witch impersonators. If you show up at your girlfriend’s house straddling a wooden stirring spoon and you clap her teenage son on the back and say, “Hello, you boy, I’m the witch, and I just flew here on this broom to gobble you up and date your mom,” that kid is going to consider you a surrogate father in a matter of minutes. It’s really that simple!
2. Use the wooden spoon to point at an Alice In Chains poster
To the hip, young kids of Gen Z, there is no cooler band than classic grunge rock outfit Alice In Chains. If you’re courting a new woman, and her son’s in high school, just hang up a poster with Layne Staley and Jerry Cantrell on it and use your wooden spoon to point at it. You can say something awesome like, “Behold, you boy, follow the line of my spoon so as to gaze at my poster of none other than Seattle’s sweethearts, Alice In Chains. Shall we hold hands and sing ‘Man In The Box’ together in unison?’” The next day at school, that kid is going to be bragging to all his friends about how his mom’s new boyfriend listens to the coolest music in the world.
3. Use the spoon to feed him a meatball
Teenagers love meatball. All teenagers ever think about is TikTok, Alice In Chains, witches, witch impersonators, and meatball. If you really want to win the friendship and admiration of your girlfriend’s teenage son, show up at his house with a wooden spoon and a meatball in a plastic bag and say to him, “Good evening, you boy, open wide to accept my snack.” Use the spoon to dump the meatball into the boy’s growing belly, and pretty soon that teen will be worshiping the ground you walk on. He’ll be following you around for days afterward, hoping that “Mom’s cool boyfriend” will feed him another meatball as soon as possible.
4. Throw the wooden spoon at a football
Teenage boys have massive respect for men who are skilled in sports. If you’re picking up your new girlfriend for a date, and you’re worried about impressing her teenage son, just bring a football and a wooden spoon. Put the football on the ground and say to the kid, “Look at this, you boy, behold the ways in which I am Tom Brady.” Then chuck the wooden spoon in the general direction of the football. This is sports, and the teen will be absolutely blown away by your athletic prowess. Before you know it, he’ll be calling you “Coach” and asking you to throw more spoons at more footballs so that he can learn how to make it to the NFL and the NBA.
5. Use the spoon as a magic wand to cast a spell that darkens the sun
If your girlfriend’s kid is ever giving you attitude, you can turn the tides using this one simple trick: Take a wooden spoon and say to the moody teen, “Now I will bring eternal night to your life, you boy.” Then wave the spoon around like a magic wand and utter a wicked, arcane incantation that magically causes the sun to extinguish itself. The teen will be laughing and clapping and excitedly texting all of his friends, “mom’s new bf SUCKED THE LIGHT FROM THE WORLD :)”. If you do this, your girlfriend’s son will respect you so much that when you and your girlfriend break up, her son will come home to live with you and be your son instead!