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6 New Types Of Trays I Had To Invent To Accommodate All Of The Snacks And Beverages I Wanted To Bring Into The Living Room

Necessity breeds innovation.

1. A surfboard glued to my dog’s back: This turned out to be a great idea, because not only was the surfboard long enough to accommodate tons of tasty snacks, but my dog would fetch me more from the kitchen whenever I ran low. I can’t tell you how much my life and my Mozart In The Jungle–watching experience improved immensely because of this invention.

2. Two trays tied together with rope: This one seemed simple in retrospect. But it took me months of drawing up blueprints before I realized that by taping two trays together I could carry way more snacks and beverages into the living room than I could before. Now I’m pretty much in hog heaven, snack-wise.

3. A priceless Mayan sundial: My instructions from Clemson University’s history department were to babysit this ancient stone sundial 6 feet in diameter until the museum curator flew in from California. Well, one thing led to another, and there I was binge-watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer while picking at a 9-pound spread of buffalo wings on the 2,200-year-old sundial when the curator walked in.

4. A snack hammock made out of my sister’s wedding dress, which, as it turns out, is irreversible: I’m sorry, Molly.

5. A massive tray custom-built by Crate & Barrel after I went into one of their stores and scoffed furiously at their pathetic tray selection until their CEO came in and offered to let me design any tray I wanted: I just drew a huge square with the dimensions “As big as you can make it by As big as you can make it.” Now, I can get through two and a half seasons of Parks And Rec with just one fill-up of the tray I have nicknamed “Large Of Course.”

6. A tray made completely out of more snacks: This was my greatest idea of all. I compressed all of my favorite snacks down to form a huge tray, then piled this tray high with more of the same snacks. It was great, because I had twice as many snacks, and then I was able to eat the snacks that composed the tray after I ate the snacks on the tray. In this way, there were twice as many snacks, thanks to my tray made up of more snacks. This was a very great idea.

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