Shopping for a bra that’s the right size for your specific dimensions can be a real challenge, and nobody knows this better than the blue Muppet Gonzo. Ever since Gonzo made his television debut in 1970, there have been clear indications that this beloved long-nosed daredevil has been wearing a bra that is simply the wrong size for his bosoms. Here are six telltale signs that Gonzo has been wearing the wrong bra size for years.
1. Every time Gonzo gets launched out of a cannon, he must clutch his breasts to support them as he flies through the air.
One beautiful thing about Gonzo is that he loves to get shot out of a cannon in the hopes that he will get sucked into the engine of a passing jetliner. Unfortunately, every time Gonzo gets launched out of a cannon, he must hold his bosoms in place with his hands as he goes screaming through the sky. A well-fitting bra should support your breasts when you get shot out of a cannon. This is pretty strong evidence that Gonzo’s bra is simply the wrong size for his breasts!
2. Gonzo once told Kermit the Frog that the only two bra sizes were “thimble” and “parachute,” indicating that he is unaware of conventional bra sizes.
There are many different considerations to take into account when purchasing a bra, from cup size to strap fit, but Gonzo clearly does not know any of them. On one episode of The Muppet Show in the late 1980s, Gonzo put his arm around Kermit’s shoulder and said, “The two sizes of brassiere are ‘thimble’ and ‘parachute.’ One is tiny. One is huge. I wear thimble. You can wear parachute.” This is pretty compelling evidence that, however Gonzo is shopping for his bras, he is probably not getting the right size.
3. Gonzo’s bra salesman, a talking cow Muppet named Rudolf Spelman, is constantly approaching Gonzo saying, “Gonzo, I sold you a bra that was too small for your big bosoms. Please let me kill you.”
One of the most obvious signs that Gonzo has been wearing the wrong bra size is that he is constantly getting visited by his private bra salesman, a talking cow Muppet named Rudolf Spelman, who tells Gonzo that he sold him a bra that was too small. As a result, Rudolf Spelman is always saying to Gonzo, “Please let me kill you because I put your round bazzames in the wrong-sized cage.” This is because the slogan of Rudolf Spelman’s bra store is “Spelman’s Bras: A Perfect Fit For Your Blue, Round Bosoms Every Time, Or We’ll Murder You.” If Gonzo’s own bra salesman is concerned enough about his bra fit that he will try to bite Gonzo’s head off, then Gonzo should definitely consider buying a new bra that fits better.
4. Gonzo’s signature song on The Muppet Show is called, “My Bosoms Are SCREAMING,” and he sings it three times per episode.
Anyone who is foolish enough to look at Gonzo’s bulging, ill-fitted shirts and think to themselves, “Gonzo the Muppet has a bra that fits correctly!” has clearly never listened to Gonzo’s signature song on the The Muppet Show, which was called “My Bosoms Are SCREAMING.”
Three times every episode, Gonzo would crawl out of a pile of laundry and sing this catchy song about how uncomfortable his chest was. The chorus of the song was, “Tell your mother, tell your pa / My bosoms are SCREAMING inside my thimble-sized bra.” The song ends with a montage of children coming home and telling their parents, “Listen, Mom and Dad, Gonzo the Muppet’s bosoms are shrieking in agony. It’s because his bra is so tiny and he needs a bigger one.” If you still think Gonzo’s bra is the right size after hearing him sing “My Bosoms Are SCREAMING,” then you need to have your lips cut off by a tyrant!
5. In one scene of The Muppets Take Manhattan, Gonzo enters a “World’s Most Uncomfortable Bosoms” contest and comes in second place, beating out everyone except Beaker.
In the 1984 film The Muppets Take Manhattan, Gonzo enters a World’s Most Uncomfortable Bosoms contest in an attempt to win the grand prize of a convertible that is already on fire. The only person who was able to best Gonzo at the World’s Most Uncomfortable Bosoms contest was Beaker, a Muppet whose bosoms were so uncomfortable that it had robbed him of the ability to speak. Beaker’s bra is definitely the wrong size, but unlike Gonzo, Beaker isn’t wearing the wrong bra size by accident. Beaker has been sentenced by Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg to wear the wrong bra size forever as punishment for Beaker’s role in causing the Great Depression. If Gonzo was able to come in second place in such a contest, surely his bosoms are in the wrong kind of cage!
6. Gonzo’s boyfriend, Hannibal Lecter, broke up with him because Gonzo wouldn’t stop calling him from an airplane to tell him how uncomfortable his bosoms were.
Everyone’s favorite part of The Muppet Show was when Gonzo would have sex with his murderous cannibal boyfriend, Hannibal Lecter. Sadly, this beautiful love affair came to an end because Gonzo kept calling Hannibal Lecter on the phone from an airplane to say, “Hello, Hannibal Lecter, my love. This is your blue lover, Gonzo, with the big honkin’ schnoz. I’m on an airplane. How glorious is the sky! My bosoms are in turmoil. Let’s have sex in five weeks.” Even though Hannibal Lecter loved Gonzo even more than he loved murdering people and eating their organs, the handsome killer was forced to break up with Gonzo because he couldn’t tolerate these phone calls. Gonzo’s ill-fitting bra is definitely ruining his life! Here’s hoping he can get the correct size for his chest sometime soon!
