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6 Tactics To Win Any Argument That Would Be Perfect If They Didn’t Also Attract Baboons In Heat

Looking to decisively win an argument? These strategies are rhetorically bulletproof, but full disclaimer, they will attract sexually aroused female baboons.

1. Use facts to back up your point: If you have the hard data to support your viewpoint, you will make it very difficult for another person to contradict you. Unfortunately, factual evidence is totally irresistible to baboons that are in a heightened state of sexual excitement and eager to mate. Exposing logical flaws in an argument is the perfect mic drop, but you should be aware that it’s a potent baboon aphrodisiac, which may make this tactic more trouble than it’s worth.

2. Mimic the body language of your opponent: Mirroring the gestures and speech patterns of the person you are arguing with will cause them to identify with you, but it will also instantly cause baboons to mistake your opponent for a sexual competitor and attack both of you out of jealousy. And, cards on the table, you should also know that baboon mating is not limited to certain seasons, and female baboons go wild for body language mimicking throughout the entire year, so tread carefully here.

3. Be confident: Sheer confidence is the most effective tool for bolstering your viewpoint and for, full disclosure, setting off a storm of baboon pheromones. If you speak with an assertive tone of voice and maintain an upright posture, which will have to withstand a blow from a sex-crazed 80-pound primate, your convictions will seem airtight.

4. Make eye contact: Think very hard before deciding to make strong eye contact with your verbal sparring partner, because the advantage it will give you in the argument will have to be paid back several times over with horny baboons ferociously clawing at your genitals. Eye contact is a really great tool to use in debates, and it’s a shame that its efficacy is undercut by hormonal monkeys that just go absolutely wild at the first sign of eye contact.

5. Use anecdotes: This actually attracts in-heat chimpanzees, which in turn attract in-heat baboons. Either way, get ready to fight off some overstimulated primates if you decide to shore up your argument with personal experience, adding a persuasive new dimension to your fact-based position.

6. Stay approachable: It’s nearly impossible to convince someone who you’ve antagonized of anything, the same way you can’t deter dozens of huge monkeys that are hell-bent on mating with you. Appearing calm and understanding will certainly help rhetorically. We’ll just recommend you only bust this one out for arguments you really, really want to win because the chances that you won’t be carried into the jungle by a horde of lustful baboons immediately after are near zero. And keep in mind that female baboons live up to 40 years, and that they’ll remember you, and that any time you try to sharpen up your arguing skills, they’ll get all horned up and find you, with deep primal lust in their veins. Aside from that, this tactic is foolproof.