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7 Brands That Haven’t Sent Me Any Free Stuff To Show Their Support Since I Went Public About My 80-Pound Scrotum Mass

I have a rare condition called scrotal lymphedema that has caused my gonads to swell into a colossal 80-pound mass. For years, I was ashamed of it, but recently, I decided to go public about it, writing an unflinchingly honest blog post detailing my struggles and even sitting down for an interview with a local news station. But still, not many brands have taken the time to reach out and show that they care. Here are the seven most egregious examples of radio silence from companies that could be doing way more to show their support.

1. Cape Cod Potato Chips

If Cape Cod Potato Chips sent me some free chips in the mail, not only would it momentarily distract me from my daily struggles relating to the very large mass on my crotch, but it would also serve as a great chance for the company to align itself with a compassionate cause. Honestly, I’m a little baffled it hasn’t sent anything my way yet, but if anyone from Cape Cod Potato Chips is reading this, please know that there’s still time.

2. Nissan

The mass on my scrotum impacts every part of my life, including something as simple as just walking to my mailbox. The past four years have truly been an ordeal, which is why I think it’d be fantastic for a car company like Nissan to send me a free vehicle that would help me get from A to B—something roomy and easily accessible, with ergonomic seats to help mitigate some of the lumbar damage that my condition has caused.

3. A.1. Steak Sauce

Look, I’m not asking for charity—just a little corporate responsibility is all. I think it’d be really great and noble for A.1. to use its stature as one of the world’s most trusted steak sauce brands to help out a guy who’s been dealt some rough cards. This is a PR goldmine.

4. Hanes

As you might imagine, it’s hard to find underwear that can accommodate my atypical body. I think it would be amazing if Hanes were to send me some custom underwear built to my proportions. Talk about a feel-good story. I can envision the commercial now, and lemme tell you, it really tugs at customers’ heartstrings. It’s a total win-win, Hanes, so what are you waiting for?

5. Big Lots

I would like some Big Lots gift cards or coupons.

6. Pace Salsa

It was very brave of me to open up publicly about my condition, which has caused me considerable social isolation, and Pace needs to honor that by sending me some free salsa. I’ve still got a long way to go on my journey to self-acceptance.

7. Southwest Airlines

Honestly, the head of Southwest PR should be fired for sitting on this one for so long. What does it take to get some free tickets from Southwest? Does your scrotal mass have to be 200 pounds or something? A few vouchers tossed my way wouldn’t even register on its bottom line. Southwest needs to mail me some tickets ASAP. Here’s my address:

Richard Loftus
201 East Jefferson St.
Phoenix, AZ 85004

Make sure you’re on the right side of my story of self-acceptance against all odds, Southwest, and get me those vouchers. I’ll be waiting.