Poseidon, god of the sea, is turning 15 years old this year, and it’s time for his quinceañera! If you’d like to help celebrate, these are seven great gifts you could throw into the sea for him.
1. A My Chemical Romance album
Poseidon has been experiencing a great deal of angst over his upcoming quinceañera, worrying himself sick that no one will show up and that the special zapatillas he bought for the occasion won’t fit. This, combined with the typical teenage angst he was already experiencing, has left him feeling depressed and misunderstood, and he could really benefit from some music that captures the intense emotions he’s feeling. Toss him a copy of MCR’s Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge to help him cope, and we guarantee he’ll be feeling much less alone once he starts listening to “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” on repeat.
2. An exfoliating foot scrub
Anyone who attended Poseidon’s birthday bash last year undoubtedly remembers how the stress of his big day caused him to throw a massive tantrum and launch a tsunami that killed thousands of people. Needless to say, he is a volatile, high-stress dude, and his stress will only be compounded by the pressure of having to go in front of his family and all his fish friends to perform a traditional quinceañera waltz with the cow shark he selected as his chambelán. Help him mellow out a bit by giving him a calming, exfoliating foot scrub from Bath & Body Works. That should help prevent a repeat of last year’s tsunami drama, as well as make his feet feel good for the long night on the dance floor.
If you don’t know Poseidon that well and aren’t comfortable giving him anything sentimental, just pick up a one-pound bag of jellybeans and huck it into the ocean instead. Jellybeans are his favorite food, and they’ll undoubtedly help lift his spirits when he learns that one of his biggest rivals (Laomedon, King of Troy) is making out with his crush (an octopus).
4. An Apple decal to go on his trident
Poseidon’s trident is super powerful, but at his age, he’s going to want to use it to display a bit of his personality, too! He’s a big-time Apple fanboy, so consider throwing an Apple decal into the ocean so that he can stick it on his trident and show off his brand loyalty to all the creatures in the ocean. Just don’t give him a Supreme sticker, because his brother Zeus already has one of those on his scepter, and he wouldn’t want to look like he’s copying him.
5. Several human women
Not every present needs to be creative, and there’s nothing wrong about going with a safe gift that you know Poseidon will for sure like, such as a small harem of human women that he can either impregnate or transform into boats or whatever. His lust truly knows no bounds, so a few human women is probably the safest quince gift you could get him.
6. Immortal horses to pull his chariot
Actually, on second thought, this might be the safest gift you can give him. Can never have enough immortal horses.
Hey, everybody can use some extra cash! Poseidon is insistent that he’s going to go to Northwestern in a couple years even though he’s lazy as hell, so he’d better start saving up now. It’s a nice, practical gift that you can’t go wrong with. Just make sure to send it along with a card that says something like, “Felicidades, Poseidon! You look as beautiful as ever on this special day of all days—your quinceañera!” He’s a sucker for flattery.