These poisonous ground-huggers don’t stand a chance against my beautiful baby John Deere.

1. Saw-Scaled Viper

This African native may hold the record for more human deaths than all other species combined, but, truth be told, he would be absolutely obliterated under the titanium blades of my industrial-grade lawn tractor.

2. Black Mamba

With enough venom in one bite to kill over 10 full-grown men, this deadly reptile is one you do not want to find yourself face-to-face with. That is, unless you’re sitting at the helm of my 500 lb. grass chopper, charging straight at him, full speed ahead.

3. Indian Cobra

I’ve shredded literally hundreds of snakes just like this guy with my D155 while yelling “Die, rattler, die” over the loud, purring noise of a good V-twin engine. Even with his fully spread hood, the Indian cobra wouldn’t stand a chance.

4. Coral Snake

This South American snake burrows underground, and if I ever saw him, I’d stick his tail straight into my grass hog’s mouth and suck him out of his hole like a strand of wet spaghetti.

5. Eastern Brown Snake

Snake: 10 mg of venom. Five feet long.

My Lawn Mower: 18” turning radius. Thirty-gallon grass-collection bag.

It would be like dropping a nuclear bomb on an ant.

6. Neotropical Rattlesnake

Please. If this thing so much as pointed his fangs at me, you know where he’d be? Mounted straight onto the wall of my garage next to—you guessed it—my beautiful baby lawn hog, rated Best in Class at snake killing four years in a row.

7. Barba Amarilla

Two words, baby: Lifetime. Warranty.