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As fans, there’s nothing we wouldn’t do to help push our team to victory. Whether you’re superstitious or not, there’s no denying these moves get results, and as long as you get a jump-start on them for your tailgate party, you’ll be able to kick back and watch your team take care of business on the field.
1. A simple toast goes a long way, so raise up your whiskey glasses, give homage to Grophollifgrag, Supreme Overlord of Football, Ruler of the Lands Above and Under Goalpost, and then down the hatch they go.
2. Have you ever attended a game that your team lost? If the answer is yes, then you’re what’s known as a “jinx.” Have an awesome time at the tailgate, but make sure you’re as far away as humanly possible from the stadium at kickoff. If your team is losing at halftime, you haven’t gone far enough.
3. You can wear war paint or sing your special chant, but real fans know your team is not protected unless you shave off all of your excess body hair, book a transatlantic flight, and cleanse yourself in the Danube River.
4. If you want your team to win, you can’t just wear the sweatshirt you wore during their last championship; you must also wear the sweatshirt of every person who was in the same room at the precise moment that title was won. (Bonus tip: For extra good luck, make sure to wear all of their shoes on top of yours too.)
5. Burn one hot dog to ashes as an offering to the NFL. Abraham was willing to sacrifice his son; you can spare a hot dog.
6. If nothing else is working, here’s one easy trick that’ll land your team atop the standings this season: Wrap up your tailgate an hour early, go home and spend a few hours packing all of your earthly belongings into your car, then drive out to a remote area, abandon everything but your TV, and wander around until you find a new town that feels like a good fit. It’s a proven winner, and if you time it right, you’ll be able to plug your traveling companion right in and catch the fourth quarter in your new home.
7. Remember to end every tailgating session by dressing up in your lucky referee’s uniform before sneaking onto the field to replace the real ref you tied up and locked in the janitor’s closet earlier that day. A little preparation goes a long way. Go team!
