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7 Things To Know Before Getting An IUD

Is an intrauterine device right for you? Here are a few basic things you should know before making the big decision.

1. The hormones are less severe, but they make you sad about cars: Though an IUD might not pump you with as many hormones as the pill, the hormones it does emit make you inconsolable about cars. It’s like they’re slaves.

2. The IUD is shaped like a T so that each sperm can be crucified: IUDs are highly effective at preventing pregnancy because each sperm dies on the IUD in the manner of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

3. You can’t get your favorite sports team’s logo on it yet: The FDA has currently only approved three types of IUDs for the market, and unfortunately, none of them let you show your team pride.

4. All your future descendants will turn transparent and fade away from the timeline: The moment the IUD is implanted, all your descendants will have just enough time to stare in horror at their vanishing hands before they’re erased from history.

5. In a spy movie, it would be cool if a female agent removed her IUD and used it to pick a lock: We’re not sure if that’s even possible, but it would be sort of a neat scene.

6. You can still go in helicopters: There is no reason why you would have to avoid helicopters if you have an IUD.

7. Sometimes a macho sperm just barrels through: While an IUD is generally reliable, every once in a while, a monster sperm with a python-sized tail just swims past it like a speeding cannonball. You’re not stopping that sucker from being born.