If you type the word ‘hagfish’ into your search bar, you’re going to be bombarded with descriptions including adjectives such as “disgusting,” “slimy,” and “nightmarish.” At first glance, these eel-like sea creatures whose pink skin covers their bodies like a loose-fitting sock and feed by boring tunnels into rotting carcasses may not seem “cute” in the traditional sense, but once you stare at them in a completely depleted, sleep-deprived state for 3 or more days solid, they’re actually pretty adorable. So sit back, stay awake, and don’t consume nutrients or water while you stare for days on end at this list of 6 hagfish who you’ll eventually find are actually pretty cute once you enter a state of total delirium.
Once your lips have started to go numb from lack of calories and your eyelids grow heavy with fatigue, you’ll find that this hagfish isn’t as wretched and horrifying as you once thought. Look into the folds of its generous skin, gaze at the tooth-like structures inside its jawless mouth, and you’ll find that your brain starts to see this hagfish as being much cuter. Awww, he wants to cuddle!
Talk about a cuteness overload! Don’t you just wish you could reach into this picture and give this hagfish some belly rubs? Keep staring at it and maybe you can! Hagfish can survive months without food, so it makes perfect sense that their true cuteness only becomes evident when you’re on the brink of total starvation.
Just look at this special little tube! Scientists believe that hagfish have evolved little if at all over the past 300 million years, yet they can evolve from looking like giant alien worms to looking even cuter than a baby koala if you’re willing to open your third eye through extreme fasting and an exhaustion-induced fugue state. Your throat may be parched and your head may be spinning, but just stare. Stare and this hagfish will share the secret of its esoteric cuteness.
Sure, if you’re relatively well-rested, a hagfish can resemble an uncircumcised demon’s phallus from some demented erotic nightmare. But the real magic starts to happen on day 3 or 4 of fully cleansing your body of earthly constructs such as “water” and “rest.” You want the hagfish to be adorable, don’t you? As adorable as your own newborn child? So adorable you want to gently pop them in your mouth and give them a little love gnaw? Then hold your phone inches from your eyes and don’t blink, eat, sleep, or drink until it happens.
Awwww! We’re going to name this one Mr. Swuggles because he’s a swuggly wuggly wittle guy! Don’t you just want to pick him up and squeeze his slime all over your face? This is paradise. We have broken the seal and found true paradise.
Uh oh, what’s this one saying? Listen! He’s trying to talk to you. “Ma ma! Ma ma!” Ohhhhh, he thinks you’re his mommy! You are! You are his mommy! Hold him to your breast and let him nurse. He is hungry. He is so very hungry, just like us. He is so cute and we are so tired and hungry. Let the hagfish burrow into your skin. Let him tunnel into your thorax like a rotten whale carcass. He will live inside you forever. You love him, don’t you? He’s just the cutest thing on earth, isn’t he? Then let go. Let go and let him in. Let God in.
