So, we are not kidding around here: There are six mimes in the yard right now. Six. Full-on mimes, white makeup and weird little mime routines and everything. Not sure what the fuck to do about this.
1. This mime is in the yard, along with five others.
As you can see, this is a mime doing his stupid I’m-in-a-box thing, and what’s worse is that he’s currently doing it smack in the middle of our yard. It’s nine a.m., by the way, and we didn’t see him drive up or walk over or anything. Just looked out the window and noticed a guy in black pants and suspenders flapping his hands around making insane faces. Why is this happening? We don’t know because mimes don’t fucking talk. But we do know that this guy represents only, like, 16 percent of the mimes in the yard right now, as they are all over the fucking place..
2. This mime kind of looks like the first mime, but nope, it’s a different one.
Same mime, just holding a bunch of dollar bills this time? Nope. Different mime. Completely separate mime. Weirdly enough, this mime and the first mime have not acknowledged each other yet, and in fact are so far away from each other we think there might be some bad blood between them. Maybe there’s a rivalry due to some sort of mime competition they participated in? Who the hell knows. We don’t know anything about mime culture. Can’t imagine what the neighbors are thinking right now. One guy walked past and took a video with his phone a while back. Not everyday you see six goddamn mimes scampering around a residential property.
3. This one appears to be the token female mime.
Not sure how much of a thing this is in the mime world, but it does seem to us like they intentionally brought along one female mime to round out the group of five males. She’s mostly just doing the same I’m-upset-about-being-in-a-box gag as the rest of them, although a little while ago she did this bizarre thing where she laid down in the grass for a good 20 minutes. Then a couple other mimes came over and started silently weeping and wailing and screaming at the sky like she was dead. They all seem very committed to being mimes. Other than occasionally sneaking a swig from a Deer Park water bottle they’ve got hidden in one of the bushes, they haven’t broken character once in the hours they’ve been out there. Maybe they’re on drugs or something. This isn’t normal behavior.
4. This is the mime that’s obsessed with the mailbox.
All of this mime’s bits involve our mailbox somehow. He’s pretended to shake hands with it at least 60 times. And we’re just sitting here thinking, like, Move on, dude. We get it, you’re pretending that the mailbox is a guy. It’s clear he thinks he needs to have some sort of shtick to separate himself from the rest of the mimes, but this ain’t it. Leave our mailbox alone.
5. This is the worst mime. Though not that it matters, since it’s insane that any of them are here.
This mime straight-up reeks, first of all, which we know because we did muster up the energy at one point to go outside and try to ask the mimes what the fuck they thought they were doing. He ignored us and just kept pretending like he was climbing a rope, but we got a good whiff of him and the guy smells like shit. Maybe it’s not easy to find time to shower if you’re a mime. Maybe it’s hard to find time for personal hygiene when you’re so busy pretending to get blown over by invisible wind gusts in strangers’ yards all day. Also, in addition to smelling bad, we saw him pinch one of the other mimes earlier. Straight up pinched him while the other mime was pretending to make a pizza. Pretty diabolical, because he probably knew the other mime wouldn’t want to break character. Something is seriously wrong with these guys.
6. This one is freaking us the fuck out.
Just look at him, he’s terrifying. He’s also, like, six-foot-five, and something about a mime being tall makes them extra scary. He’s just been silently slinking around the yard for hours, moving like he’s a marionette controlled by strings. It’s really giving us the creeps. Between this guy, the smelly mime, and the four other freaks doing their fucked-up mime rituals, it’s turned into a really unsettling scene. Might honestly be tanking our property value. We just want the mimes to leave, and if they don’t soon, we’ll probably have to call the police or animal control or something. No one should have to put up with this shit. Fuck mimes.
