Grandpa died relatively unexpectedly, so Mom and Dad decided to request an autopsy. But they’re probably kicking themselves for doing that now, because the coroner who did the procedure dunked on Grandpa pretty hard in the autopsy report.
1. The “external examination” section where the coroner wrote that “The body is that of a nasty little 88-year-old male with a goblin face and a build that’s a two out of ten on a good day.”
Ouch! This section is supposed to be a general once-over of the corpse that explains how healthy it looks from the outside, so we’re not sure why the coroner thought it would be relevant to call Grandpa “nasty” or assert that he’s a two at best. He was a beloved elderly man with 15 grandchildren, and there was no need to compare him to a goblin, or to say, as the coroner did later on in the same section, that his face was “highly abnormal, resembling a jack-o-lantern after a month of decay.”
2. The part where Grandpa’s was described as a “possible hobo” despite having died in his church clothes
“Upon arrival, the body was clad in unstylish and poorly maintained slacks with a garish, tacky button-down, indicating that he was a member of the lower classes or possibly a vagrant.” Umm, what the hell? To describe Grandpa’s outfit that way is absolutely uncalled for. It was a nice outfit! If the coroner didn’t appreciate Grandpa’s style, he didn’t need to say so.
3. The section where the coroner listed all of Grandpa’s organs with just the description “shitty” after each
Come on. That’s just rude.
4. The part that said “The penis is removed and preserved for further study due to its shocking deficiencies in length and girth.”
Look. Grandpa’s penis did not have anything to do with his death, period. Everyone knew that going in. But the coroner still dedicated an entire paragraph to describing how it resembled “a dusty, withered cashew” and would require “evaluation under a powerful microscope to understand just how pitiful it is.” None of us respect Grandpa any less now that we know he had a tiny penis, but it’s still a blow to the family.
5. The part where the coroner said Grandpa died of “being a bitch”
The reason we asked for the autopsy, obviously, was to pinpoint Grandpa’s cause of death for peace of mind and in case it had health implications for other family members. It did not help us one bit to hear the coroner’s opinion that Grandpa was “such a goofy little bitch, he just dropped dead from it one day—simple as that.” Even if that’s his professional conclusion, we wish he had worded it differently. It just wasn’t a good autopsy report. Not a good one at all.
