One of the most boring and famous stories in all of the Bible is when Lazarus gets sick and dies, and Jesus has to travel all the way to Judea to bring him back to life. Unfortunately, Lazarus was a complete oaf, and after Jesus brought him back to life the first time, Lazarus kept getting himself killed.
1. The time Lazarus chased his hat into the street and he got run over by an ox cart
Lazarus was walking around the streets of Nazareth wearing an ancient version of a cowboy hat. Everyone was complimenting Lazarus on his hat and he was feeling pretty good, but then a gust of wind blew the cowboy hat off of his head into the street. Lazarus sprinted into the street to retrieve the hat and was mowed down by a passing ox cart, which killed him instantly. Jesus had to wake up in the middle of the night to bring Lazarus back to life, and once he’d been resurrected, Lazarus immediately walked away without saying thank you.
2. The time Lazarus tried to shave the words “Do Not Sit On This Magnificent Creature” into a donkey’s hair and the donkey kicked his head off
Lazarus had noticed that some of the local teens from Judea had been taking turns sitting on his donkey, and it was pissing him off. In an attempt to keep the teens away, Lazarus tried to shave the words “Do Not Sit On This Magnificent Creature” into the donkey’s hair. The startled donkey kicked Lazarus’s head right off and Jesus had to search around in the bushes for hours trying to find it. When Jesus was able to track down Lazarus’s head and reattach it to his body, Lazarus got up and went home without saying thank you.
3. The time Lazarus choked while trying to swallow four hard-boiled eggs at once
Even though his sister Martha begged him not to, Lazarus entered the annual Judean Egg Eating Contest. According to the rules of the contest, whoever fit the most eggs in their mouth would win the most interesting stick in Judea. Lazarus died less than two minutes into the contest after cramming four eggs into his mouth and choking to death. Jesus showed up and announced to the crowd, “Since the Heimlich maneuver hasn’t been invented yet, I have to get these eggs out of Lazarus by jumping up and down on his belly.” Jesus proceeded to leap up and down on Lazarus’s stomach until the four eggs shot out of his mouth like baseballs from a pitching machine. Lazarus came back to life, and immediately stuffed the eggs back into his mouth.
4. The time Lazarus choked on the same four hard-boiled eggs
Right after he stuffed the eggs back in his mouth, Lazarus choked to death again. Jesus groaned and said, “Come on, man.” Then he jumped up and down on Lazarus’s stomach for another 15 minutes until the eggs shot out of his mouth again. Lazarus came back to life and tried to stuff the eggs back in his mouth a third time, but Jesus screamed, “Lazarus, go home,” so Lazarus went home without saying thank you.
5. The time Lazarus sprinted off a cliff while chasing after a moth
Lazarus was chasing a moth through the wilderness for reasons that remain obscure to scholars. He wasn’t looking where he was going, and he chased the moth straight off of a cliff overlooking a beach on the Sea of Galilee. Jesus was walking on the beach thinking about God and humming to himself when Lazarus’s body fell out of the sky and slammed onto the ground right in front of him and sent a geyser of blood and viscera into the air. Jesus shrieked, and then when he realized who it was, he said, “You’ve got to be kidding me, Lazarus.” Jesus had to spend the rest of the afternoon sweeping Lazarus’s blood and organs into a body-shaped pile so he could reanimate them. When Lazarus came back to life, the first thing he said was, “Where did that fucking moth go?” Jesus said, “I don’t know what moth you’re talking about.” Lazarus said, “Then what good are you?” He then sprinted away across the beach without saying thank you.
6. The time Lazarus crawled into a python’s open mouth
Lazarus was crawling around to show his sister Martha what it would look like if a witch turned him into a pig. He saw a python nearby with its mouth wide open and said to his sister Martha, “I’m going to go in there to see what it’s like.” Martha said, “Lazarus, do not,” but Lazarus said, “I’m going to” and he did. Martha went and got Jesus and Jesus had to spin the python around over his head until the python got so dizzy that he puked up Lazarus’s corpse. Jesus brought Lazarus back to life and Lazarus crawled away into the distance without saying thank you. Martha said, “Thank you for resurrecting my brother, Jesus,” and Jesus said, “Do not talk to me right now, I’m not even kidding.”
7. The time Lazarus was stung by 1,000 bees while trying to get free honey
One time Lazarus mumbled to himself, “It’s time for me to get some free honey” and he marched off into the forest to find a beehive. Lazarus found a beehive in the forest and said, “The stuff in there is for me.” Lazarus had heard that smoke puts bees to sleep, so he set himself on fire and jumped into the beehive. The smoke did not put the bees to sleep and Lazarus got stung 1,000 times. The bee stings and the fire killed him at the same time. A jogger found Lazarus and went and told Jesus about it. Jesus went into the woods and found Lazarus’s charred remains and said, “For crying out loud, Lazarus, it’s 3 o’clock in the fucking morning.” Jesus brought Lazarus back to life and Lazarus said, “Do you have honey for me?” and Jesus said, “No, I do not. God home,” and Lazarus said, “You are the Master of Disappointments, Lord.” Then, instead of going home, Lazarus went to Jesus’s yard and crouched in the bushes outside of Jesus’s house and stared at Jesus through the window all night, and he didn’t think Jesus could see him but he could.
8. The time Lazarus was stabbed to death by Roman soldiers while trying to get free honey
The day after that Lazarus said, “It’s time for me to get some free honey” and he walked to the market to find the honey monger, whose name was also Lazarus. Lazarus saw the honey monger’s booth, which had a sign that said, “Honey: 11 coins” and Lazarus said, “Today it’s zero coins” and he ran at the other Lazarus and tried to steal his honey. Lazarus the honey monger said, “Hey! I’m being robbed,” and a Roman soldier who was patrolling the market came over and stabbed Lazarus in the heart. Jesus was also at the market buying envelopes when he heard that Lazarus was dead. When he saw Lazarus lying on the ground with a sword in his heart Jesus said, “Lazarus are you fucking kidding me right now with this honey thing?” Jesus brought Lazarus back to life and Lazarus said “Jesus will buy me some honey for 11 coins?” and Jesus said, “No I will not,” and the honey monger said to Jesus, “Hey, Jesus, my name is also Lazarus,” and Jesus said, “That’s not something I have time to care about right now.”
9. The time Lazarus ran into a burning building to “rescue his sandals,” but it wasn’t even his house
Lazarus saw a house on fire and he said, “I have to go in there and get my sandals or they’ll be burnt to cinders.” Lazarus ran into the burning building and started looking everywhere for his sandals. A big crowd gathered around the burning house, and when Jesus walked by he saw the big crowd and said, “What’s going on?” and a guy in the crowd said, “Lazarus ran into the fire to try to get his sandals,” and Jesus got so mad that he punched the guy in the face even though he was just the one delivering the news. Lazarus died in the fire and when Jesus brought him back to life Lazarus said, “You know something, this wasn’t even my house, so my sandals were never even in there,” and when Jesus heard this he kicked a wall and yelled a special swear word that he had learned from the Devil. Then Lazarus went back to his actual house without saying thank you.
10. The time Lazarus said, “Here I go,” and then slowly, calmly belly flopped into a tar pit
Lazarus stood at the edge of a tar pit and said, “Here I go.” He quietly and calmly belly flopped into the tar pit and sunk into the tar and died. Jesus had to dig Lazarus out of the tar, and it took seven days and seven nights. Jesus had to sleep in a tent at the side of the tar pit, and he could only sleep for a few hours each night because at the crack of dawn he had to get up and continue digging Lazarus out of the tar. It rained nonstop and there was also a comet in the sky during this time, which caused the owls of the land to act evil. The comet made the owls swoop at Jesus’s head and lay eggs in his mouth when he yawned. Finally, after seven miserable days and nights, Jesus dragged Lazarus’s corpse out of the tar. Jesus brought Lazarus back to life and Lazarus said, “Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Lazarus.” And Jesus said, “We’ve met so many times. I’ve resurrected you from the dead on multiple occasions.” And Lazarus said, “I thought you looked familiar. Your name’s Conroy, right?” and Jesus said, “No, it’s Jesus.” And Lazarus shrugged and said, “Well, you can’t win ‘em all,” and then he went home without saying thank you.
11. The time Lazarus smacked into Jesus’s cross while chasing after a moth and Jesus’s cross fell over and crushed him
Jesus was hanging on the cross, getting executed. He said, “Finally, I’ll never have to bring Lazarus back from the dead ever again.” Shortly after Jesus said this, Lazarus came sprinting across the Hill of Golgotha, chasing after a moth. He wasn’t looking where he was going and he ended up running headlong into Jesus’s cross, which toppled over and crushed him. Jesus said, “Lazarus, are you kidding me.” Jesus brought Lazarus back to life and said, “Lazarus, while you’re here, maybe you could help me off this cross,” and Lazarus said, “Okay, I’ll go get my tools and cut you loose.” Lazarus sprinted away to go get his tools, but after running about 15 feet he smashed headlong into a different cross (the one with Gestas, the impenitent thief), which toppled over and crushed him. Jesus was too far away to bring Lazarus back to life this time, so he spent the rest of his life attached to the cross Lazarus had knocked over, shouting his favorite swear words into the sky.
