Contemporaneous means “living or occurring during the same time period,’” and I guess the faculty at my nine-year-old son’s school think that’s a good way to describe him, because on three different occasions my son has come home with an award for being “Most Contemporaneous,” whatever that’s supposed to mean.
1. After a math quiz
In September, Jacob had a math quiz. He correctly answered 12 out of 15 questions, which is okay, but not good enough to win an award. Yet, he came home from school with a certificate that said “MOST CONTEMPORANEOUS” and had a picture of a cartoon star giving a thumbs up. My son was no help in revealing why he got the award, but he seemed happy about it. I wasn’t sure if contemporaneity was something I wanted to encourage in my son, but I figured being of the moment couldn’t hurt. I stuck it on the fridge and moved on.
2. When he left school early with RSV
I got a call from the school in November that Jacob wasn’t feeling well and would need to come home early. When he climbed into my car, the first thing I noticed wasn’t his runny nose, but the fact he had another certificate with another stupid cartoon star that once again said “MOST CONTEMPORANEOUS.” It was signed by his teacher, the principal, and the school nurse, as if to say, “We agree your son is thoroughly up to date.” I think they thought it would make him feel better, but why couldn’t they honor him for something normal, like kindness or friendship or spelling? My son is not even particularly current, or at least no more so than any other student in his class. I posted in the parents’ Facebook group to ask if any other kids had received awards like this, but it was quickly buried by posts about a lice outbreak.
3. The time his award also said he was “generative”
My son came home for holiday break bearing a couple of baked goods some other kids brought in and unfortunately, another award from his teacher saying he was “MOST CONTEMPORANEOUS.” Even worse, this time it also said he was “SUPREMELY GENERATIVE.” Now I’d really had enough. If you want to tell my son he has a high volume of modern ideas, fine, but can you say it in a way he’d understand? I emailed the teacher but all I got was an out-of-office reply with an attached photo of that stupid cartoon star, now wearing a Santa hat and holding a menorah. Whatever. I never expected this kind of thing from a normal public school, but if this is how they want to describe my son, so be it.
