Let’s face it: No matter what you get your mom this Mother’s Day, it’s likely that wench isn’t going to be one bit impressed. Here are six Mother’s Day gifts that we’re sure won’t be good enough for that bitch.
1. A Dress From Anthropologie
While there is no shortage of dresses from Anthro that would look great on your mom, odds are if you give the bitch one, the second she opens it you’ll be met with a look of poorly concealed disappointment and a choked off sigh. Even if you manage to get your mom to try it on and it fits perfectly, based on previous experience you can definitely expect some comment along the lines of, “Didn’t the Anthropologie guy get me too-ed?” or, “It’s nice, but I bet it was overpriced for the quality.” Probably best to skip this one this year.
2. A Gift Certificate For A Massage
Even though your mom loves to get massages, that bitch is definitely going to find a reason to not like the one you get her, even if you get it from her regular massage therapist. Whether she responds to your gift certificate (for a full 90-minute massage with the tip already included and everything) with the least convincing, “Oh…how thoughtful of you,” you’ve ever heard in your life or just looks at the gift certificate and puts it back inside the card without saying anything, you’re going to regret giving her this one.
3. A One-Of-A-Kind Piece From A Local Artist
Ha, good luck with this one. While plenty of non-megabitch moms would appreciate a thoughtfully curated, completely unique art piece that put money into the hands of a local artist instead of an evil corporation, no matter how cool the work you pick out for her is, she’s gonna hate it. Somehow, she’ll find a way for a piece of pottery or a painting of a boat dock to inspire a comment like, “Some of these artists seem so angry,” or, “This might look nice in the garage.” Don’t take it too personally, though. Your mom’s just a bitch like that.
4. An Offer To Reroof Her Garage
Hoo boy. Don’t even think about opening this can of worms. Despite mom’s garage roof objectively needing to be replaced and your gift of offering to replace it potentially saving her thousands of dollars, the mere suggestion that mom’s garage roof isn’t perfect is going to put her on the warpath. Prepare to hear, “How am I supposed to feel about this?” or “Your cousin Keith was just over here and he’s a roofer and he didn’t say anything about the garage roof at all.” Yep, even though there’s black stuff dripping down onto her Subaru every time it rains, that bitch is going to need to make the decision that it’s time for a new garage roof on her own.
5. $800 Cash
Whoever said you can never go wrong with cash as a gift clearly has never given your bitch mom $800. The problems with giving mom cash are countless: Give her a small amount, such as $20, and that bitch will snap off some passive aggressive, “Oh great, I’ve been wanting to buy some new sewing needles,” type of BS. Give her a large amount, such as $800, and you’re going to get to hear some, “Are you sure you can afford this?” or “You need this money more than I do, look at what you’re wearing,” type of BS. Yep, your mom is the one bitch on earth who money is somehow not good enough for.
6. A Pair Of Goddamned Diamond Earrings
What woman wouldn’t love a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings set in 24k gold? Queen Cunt AKA your mom, of course! No matter how reputable the jeweler you buy this luxurious gift from, your bitch-ass mom is going to start in with the, “These look like cubic zirconias,” or, “Why does one feel so much heavier than the other? I’m going to tip over wearing these.” Yep, this Mother’s Day it’s probably best to just send your mom a bouquet and turn off your notifications for the day so you don’t have to get her bitchy texts about how, “A bug that was on the flowers just attacked me!!!!” Ugh. Happy Mother’s Day!
