Well, this is pretty fucking annoying. If you’re at Austin Tinsley’s birthday pool party right now you might want to exercise caution near the snack table, because some kid didn’t dry off from the pool before sticking his hand into the Doritos bag and now everyone else has to eat wet Doritos.
C’mon, kid, really? This is truly indefensible.
Just moments ago, while most of the partygoers were preoccupied trying to capture a slo-mo iPhone video of a really big seventh grader doing a belly flop, 11-year-old Xavier Brooks—perhaps the least popular kid in attendance—opted to get out of the pool and check out the snack situation, even though Austin’s mom explicitly said to wait on eating until she’d grilled enough Bubba Burgers for everyone. Dripping-wet and still wearing his goggles, Xavier then proceeded to open a brand-new family-size bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and basically stick his whole arm in there, making no effort to even towel his hands off before rooting around and helping himself to a fistful of chips, a reckless and unconscionable act that left the rest of the chips completely covered with pool water.
With only one bag of Doritos for the whole party to share, Xavier’s selfish, inconsiderate actions have now guaranteed that everyone else’s Doritos will be soggy and chlorine-flavored, which is especially infuriating because Austin’s mom really phoned it in on the snack situation and the only other snack option is carrot sticks and blue-cheese dip.
This child is officially a piece of shit.
Of course, a dick move like this should really be no surprise coming from Xavier, whose ignorance of basic pool etiquette has been plainly evident from the moment he showed up to the party wearing basketball shorts with boxers underneath instead of swim trunks. This is the kid who for the entire party has been shamelessly hoarding all four pool noodles so he can float on top of them like a hammock, and who accidentally kneed Mackenzie Jacobs in the head while diving for those little colored rings at the bottom of the pool. Neglecting to towel off before digging into the Doritos was typical for an irredeemable monster like Xavier, and chances are he’ll commit even more unforgivable acts before the party moves inside for cake and ice cream.
The damage that Xavier has already done to this party can never be undone, and nothing can fix the fact that the Doritos are gross and wet. All we can hope for now is that Xavier’s dad will come pick him up before he messes up anything else.
