The only thing worse than saying one of these to a server is not tipping.

1. “Do you ever accidentally carry the customer into the kitchen instead of carrying the food to the table?”

2. “Bring me a scallop so I can show you my scallop trick.”

3. “Would you mind using this air horn to scare birds and spiders away from my food while I eat?”

4. “Your wallet chain appears to have dunked itself in my soup.”

5. “My name is Brandon. What is the appropriate menu item for Brandons?”

6. “Please tell the chef that he is not strong enough. Thank you.”

7. “Will you say grace for my meal? I’m not allowed to talk to God.”

8. “Would it be in any way possible for you to take your hands out of my mouth?”

9. “Sorry to call you at home, but I’m hungry again.”