Ah, fuck. Okay, someone at your friend Rob’s pool party just screamed “CHICKEN FIGHT!” and now the pressure’s on to find a partner. Rob? He’s got a partner. Your wife? She’s got a partner. Rob’s friend who you don’t know well, which would be awkward, but who is super strong, so he’d probably be pretty good at chicken? Fuck, he’s got a partner, too. You search around desperately hoping there’s still somebody good left, when suddenly, you feel a cold, wet finger tapping on your shoulder. You hear the unmistakable sound of pool water pouring out of a mouth, followed by a voice that rasps, “Looks like it’ll be me and you, chief.”
You turn around: It’s the Today Show’s Hoda Kotb, wearing a full wetsuit. Looks like you and her are the only two left without chicken fight partners.
Although you try to get out of the pool and away from Hoda by saying you need to use the bathroom, she grabs your arm and pulls you back into the water. “Just pee in here, big boy! Been doing the same all day,” she says as she chugs from her wine glass. Then, despite the fact that she weighs like 100 pounds and should definitely be the one on top, she pats her shoulders and says, “Climb on up, big boy. Hoda’s afraid of heights.”
Dear God. You’re absolutely going to lose.
As soon as you put one of your legs over Hoda’s shoulders, she sinks into the water and starts thrashing her arms around, yelling“HODA’S DROWNING! HODA’S DROWNING!” You reluctantly help her up, and as she surfaces, she takes another huge gulp from her wine glass, which at this point is 100 percent pool water. It’s clear at this point that she’s in no state to win, let alone even play, so you suggest that maybe you two could just skip chicken this time around—but without skipping a beat, Hoda yells “NO WAY, BIG BOY! We just need to start on land!” and leaps out of the water, beckoning you to follow.
So now, as all of your friends (and your wife), are in the pool, several minutes into the game of chicken, you’re standing on a plastic lawn chair trying to climb onto Hoda’s back while she asks, “Do you know any cheat codes for this?”
Hoda, it’s a game you play in a pool. There are no cheat codes!
But before you can even get on top of Hoda, she adds, “All’s we need’s a three hour power nap. That’s my ritual before I do chicken.” She grabs your hand and leads you inside your friend’s house, totally soaking wet. She immediately curls up on his living room floor. As you lie here, fully ruining your friend’s rug, you seriously have to wonder why this happened to you. You go to church, you pay your taxes, and you try not to lie. But still you got stuck with Hoda in chicken.
Good Lord. Honestly, you should just say that you just remembered you have Covid and leave the party now. It’s only going to get worse from here—just get yourself out of Hoda’s clutches before it’s too late!
