Can You Break Up With Me?
Hello, lover! You may be desperate to end things with me, but I have other plans in mind! Breaking up with me will be no easy task. Think you can do it?
I know you are just dying to get rid of me—you’re tired of my huge head, my tiny eyes, the way I whisper when I’m angry, the way I shriek when I’m calm. But you’ll have to get ahold of me first! How do you plan to get me to sit down face-to-face so you can finally end things?
1. I’ll leave you a voicemail on your cell phone letting you know that we need to talk. I’m sure you’ll listen to reason.
2. I will chase you on foot. No matter how many days and nights I must run, I will not let up. You may be fast, and your body may be oiled from head to toe, making it easier for you to evade my grasp, but I will do what I must do to end this relationship.
3. I don’t know, I guess I’ll fucking set up a bear trap with a piece of cheesecake in it? That worked last time. God, I hate you.
4. Oh, I can’t do it! You are too beautiful! Your beady eyes make me weep with joy! What was I thinking, saying I didn’t love you anymore?! I take it all back!
You might remember from our relationship that I am quite skilled at picking locks. How will you handle it when, the day after you announce that things are over, you find me hiding inside your pantry?
1. Easy: I’ll call you an Uber and carry you out to the curb.
2. I’ve already talked to a contractor, and he is knocking out my pantry as we speak. In fact, I am prepared to knock down every wall in my home until there is nowhere left for you to hide—nowhere! I cannot take opening my linen closet door to see you curled like a snake inside my sewing basket ever again, you reptilian ghoul! How did I ever get mixed up with you?!
3. Jesus Christ. Maybe I’ll hit you in the head with my broom and throw you out my kitchen window? Is that what you want? Get the fuck out of my life!
4. My pantry! Where we first met! Oh, my love, I will join you there!
Are you sure you want to do this? Don’t forget that I love you!
1. I understand that you feel that way, but I am not interested in remaining in a relationship with you.
2. Away, you shrieking siren! You gross fuck!
3. You are stupid as hell and very oily and you smell like shit. Yes, I’m certain I never want to see you again.
4. Oh! I love you too, with all my heart!
Bad news, mon amour: I’ve enlisted the help of famed sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer to come convince you to stay with me! What will you say to her when she asks you why you want to break up?
1. “Dr. Ruth, I know you’ve seen a lot of couples in your time, so you have probably noticed that my significant other has bit me multiple times since you’ve been here. I’m sure you’d agree we should not be together.”
2. “Please, Mrs. Ruth, arbiter of all things romantic, set a curse on this creature so that it may not plague me any longer! Blessed are you, O Ruth, who can rid my life of this evil beast!”
3. “Hey, old lady: wanna switch ages with my piece-of-shit significant other so it can die faster? Because nothing else has worked!”
4. “Leave my house, little goblin doctor! My lover and I have kissing to do!”
I’ve learned a sword dance to entice you to love me again! What do you think?
1. You’ve always been a great sword twirler, and I’m impressed with how high you can jump, but this relationship is no longer working for me.
2. You and all your twirling and sword-based capers—enough with the foolishness! You think your leaps and your turns and your winks and your graceful thumbs-up motions will work on me the same way they did all those years ago? They will not, for I have matured!
3. God, can you get a fucking grip? Nobody wants to watch you do that thing where you throw your sword super high in the air and then clap a bunch of times and then the sword lands way far away and you have to run off and get it. It makes you look really stupid. I need you to get out of my house.
4. O, you sweet, beautiful fool. You know I am powerless to resist the sword dance!
Remember: you’ll never find anyone quite like me!
1. That’s technically true, in the sense that each human being is unique. You wouldn’t find anyone quite like Jerry Sandusky, either, but that doesn’t mean you should date him.
2. Fantastic! I truly hope this is the case. Never again.
3. Duly noted. Now will you shut up so I can finish breaking up with you?
4. That’s not true at all—yesterday I saw a scabby, shrieking orangutan at the zoo smearing itself in feces and punching itself in the groin. Had to do a double-take to make sure it wasn’t you!
Uh oh! I’ve left, and I’ve taken your dog with me! You’ll have to come by my place to get him, won’t you?
1. No. I’ve called Animal Control, and they are coming to get my dog and bring it back to me. They said this is the absolute last time they’ll intervene in our relationship, so please do not resist them.
2. Fuck! Are you kidding me? You’re bringing the dog into this? God, you really are the worst.
3. You know what, take the fucking dog. You can take my parents too if you want, I really don’t give a shit. I’m sick of your stupid ass. You can take whatever the hell you want as long as you leave me alone.
4. O, how my heart melts when you and the dog play! I can’t contain myself when I see you and the dog chase each other around our backyard, nipping at each other’s necks, sniffing each other’s excretions! You are perfect, my love, and I cherish every moment with you and our sweet pup.
Well, what do you think? Would you like to spend eternity in my tight, clammy embrace?
1. That’s gonna be a big “hell no” from me.
2. Ha, fuck that!
3. God, as much as I long to once again be in your wet, sinewy arms, feeling your hot breath on my neck as you shriek through all hours of the night, I’m afraid that at this point it’d be best for me to be with someone who isn’t the biggest fucking freak in the world.
4. Yes! Wrap me in those foul-smelling arms and never let go! Let us wed and live happily ever after in my pantry! Clearly, this is our destiny.
All 8 questions completed!