Look, it’s no secret that digital media is a dying industry, and unfortunately it’s at the point now where the best remaining revenue strategy for small websites like ours to stay afloat is to just beg the military industrial complex for table scraps. So! If you happen to work for the Department of Defense or one of the military branches and are looking for fresh new ways to give the U.S. an edge in combat, here are a few weapon ideas to give you a taste of the sort of stuff ClickHole could come up with for you in exchange for a lucrative contract of some kind.
1. A prize wheel that blows up when you spin it: No one can resist the temptation to spin a prize wheel, especially if there’s a chance you could win an incredible prize like a Playstation 5 or $100 cash. If the U.S. military were to rig a prize wheel with a powerful bomb and leave it in hostile territory, it’d only be a matter of time before enemy combatants scurried over to try their luck. And considering that the Department of Defense gets over $700 billion in taxpayer money every year to buy whatever the hell they want, surely they can spare, say, half a million to buy this incredible idea from ClickHole.
2. A foul-smelling tank: What’s more terrifying than a 60-ton war machine rolling into battle? A 60-ton war machine that also smells like absolute shit. There’s no way the Type-A eggheads who develop military technology could ever come up with an idea as clever and out-of-the-box as this one, and if the U.S. military wants to get even better at killing people in future wars, then they need to ink a contract with ClickHole ASAP.
3. A glue trap the size of a country: According to the WikiHow page for removing a mouse from glue traps, all we’d need is a bunch of olive oil to get innocent civilians off the glue trap. Then, once it’s only U.S. enemies stuck on the glue trap, we could just throw it in the trash and declare a decisive victory. How’s that sound, Defense Secretary Lloyd J. Austin? Just let us know when you’re ready to cut a check!
4. Wizards: Wizards know all sorts of spells, and they can totally use those spells to protect America. It’s honestly baffling that the army isn’t already using these guys—seems like a no brainer!
5. A very staticky fleece blanket: We’ll leave it up to the highly paid scientists of the U.S. military to figure out the technology for this one, but basically, we think it could be a total combat game-changer if the U.S. developed the most staticky blanket the world has ever known. Like, something so staticky that if you rub it on the couch ahead of time to get it super charged up, it could easily shock a whole platoon of enemy soldiers to death if you just throw it in their general vicinity. Plus, society has conditioned us to perceive blankets as non-lethal comfort items, so it would totally catch America’s nemeses off guard. Brilliant!
6. Intercontinental ballistic mamas: The idea would be to engineer sophisticated long-range mamas that could be launched from underground silos or submarines and would be capable of whacking enemy combatants with frying pans and pinching them to punish them for their bad behavior. Just one of these highly powerful mamas would be able to teach a lesson to an entire nation of misbehaving adversaries.
7. A mean goose: The goose could bite ISIS guys. Pretty clever, right? If anyone at the Department of Defense would like to discuss this idea further, please give us a shout. Or, if they’ve got all the weapon ideas they need at the moment, then we could totally bring something else to the table. Like, maybe we create amusing memes to positively influence public opinion towards war? Or, for a couple hundred grand, we could totally put out a monthly newsletter for the troops that’s full of funny jokes, spoofs, and amusing observations about battle to raise morale. We are open to anything and will happily compromise our values if it means we get a little money out of it.
8. A very loud AC unit: The U.S. military has yet to weaponize an AC unit so fucking loud and annoying that anyone within a five mile radius would rather kill themselves than listen to it blowing and rattling around all day. There is no enemy of America that could possibly stand being near an AC unit as shitty and obnoxious as the one we’re imagining, and we’re thinking it’s just the kind of thing the U.S. needs to defend its interests abroad.
9. A gun that shows you funny monkey pictures in your scope whenever you shoot it so you don’t develop PTSD from seeing your target die: Combat-related trauma takes an immense toll on our nation’s troops, and it’s time that we develop battlefield tools that help stop PTSD before it starts. Just imagine the wonders it’d do for soldiers’ mental health if, instead of seeing a guy’s head blow up every time they shoot someone, they saw a funny monkey dressed like a businessman. Killing people would be a blast!
10. A baby that’s been trained to explode: When you see a baby, you almost never suspect that it might secretly be a devastating weapon of mass destruction, and that element of surprise could really give the U.S. an advantage in future conflicts. All you’d have to do is train the babies to blow themselves up with some stuffed animals or a nursery rhyme or something—they are dumb and easily manipulated. If there are any generals out there reading this who are interested in acquiring such a weapon, all we’d ask in return is a modest seven-figure military contract, or even a six-figure contract if that’d be easier to get past accounting. Hit us up and let’s make it happen!