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Damn, Boy: Put A Shirt On

What the—where’s your shirt? C’mon now. You know you can’t be running around like that. What’s wrong with you? God damn, put a shirt on!

Seriously? You took your shirt off in the grocery store? That is NOT how we behave. Do you see anyone else not wearing a shirt in the grocery store? No, you don’t. Why? Because this is the grocery store. Put your shirt back on right this instant.


You must be out of your mind taking your shirt off at the bank. Of all places, you choose to be a shirtless little man at the bank. Nope. When you go to the bank, you wear a collared button-up or something respectable like that. You do not go nekkid from the waist up like some feral wolf boy.


Oh, no. Not here, mister. You think this is a locker room? This is the Vatican. THE Vatican. A Holy City. And here you are, dressed for a waterpark. You want to get kicked out of the Vatican? ‘Cause if the Pope sees you strutting around, showing off that belly, that’s how you get kicked out of the Vatican. Go get your shirt. NOW.


Who the hell said you could come to this funeral without a shirt on? These people are grieving—they do not want to see you flexing! They do not.  Do we really need to tell you that you cannot be a shirtless little man at a funeral? Show some damn respect, young man. Sheesh. 


Okay…we guess you can be shirtless in this dark, scary forest. Whatever. But don’t come crying to us when you find a tick on your stomach. That’s on you. 


Oh, NOW you cover yourself up. Not feeling like such hot shit next to these strong boys, huh? Feeling a little self-conscious about your little muscles? Well, we’re just happy that you’ve made yourself decent again. No more of this shirtless business, okay?


Oh, for fuck’s sake. You couldn’t even stay covered for five damn minutes. Whatever, that’s fine. You want to be a shirtless little man at the circus? Go for it. Throw your shirt in the trash for all we care. You’ve been acting like a clown, going around with no shirt on, so maybe a circus is where you belong. We give up.