Nothing is more disappointing than when you go out of your way to ask someone not to do something and they go ahead and do it anyway—a lesson that Lawrence Stevenson of Louisville, KY recently learned the hard way. Here are six neighbors Lawrence specifically asked not to fuck his wife, ranked by how many times he’s already caught them plowing her.
6. Cliff
Well, this one was a pretty big letdown. When Lawrence first moved to Louisville, he put a little card in Cliff’s mailbox which read, “Greetings! My name is Lawrence and I’m your new neighbor. Hey, just a heads up, I’d prefer you not fuck my wife, Melissa. It would really hurt my feelings if you did that. Feel free to stop by for a beer sometime, can’t wait to explore the neighborhood!” You’d think that a clearly worded note like that one would have been all Cliff needed to get the message that Lawrence didn’t want other guys railing his wife, but nope: since receiving that note in the mail, Lawrence has busted Cliff porking the shit out of Melissa three times. Not cool.
5. Arnold
Lawrence and his next-door neighbor, Arnold, hit it off the day they met. Arnold seemed like such a good dude that Lawrence didn’t think he’d have to ask him not to fuck his wife, but he figured he would mention it just to be safe. So one day after a few beers over a NASCAR race on the garage TV, Lawrence asked Arnold, “Hey man, could you do something for me? Could you not ever fuck my wife?” Unfortunately, Arnold responded, “I’m sorry, bud, but I can’t make any promises,” and went on to get busted railing Melissa five times and counting.
4/3. Christine and Mike
Christine and Mike not only live half a block down from Lawrence and Melissa, but they also both work with Lawrence at Humana. Dishearteningly, neither one acted very neighborly when Lawrence asked them if they could refrain from fucking his wife. Despite Lawrence laying out all of the reasons he’d prefer that he be the only one fucking his wife, which included everything from STI safety to the integrity of Lawrence and Melissa’s monogamous relationship, Christine and Mike went right ahead and jabbed her in every hole eight times over a period of just a few days. Even worse, Melissa wouldn’t stop talking about how great it was.
2. Keef
This one was a pretty big bummer for Lawrence. Keef has been renting the apartment above Lawrence and Melissa’s garage for a few months, and Lawrence actually wrote into the lease that Keef signed that he didn’t want Keef to fuck his wife. Keef signed the lease, but only after crossing out the section about not fucking Melissa and writing “no” next to it really big. Since that day, he’s had fully unprotected sex with Melissa 18 times, and every time she’s reached orgasm at least twice. Lawrence has walked in on them every time, and each time he’s tried asking Keef to not fuck his wife anymore, but Keef keeps pretending not to hear him.
1. Hao
You don’t need to be best friends with all of your neighbors, but it’s nice to at least know that you can trust them with minor requests, such as getting your packages when you’re on vacation or not having sexual intercourse your wife. Lawrence’s neighbor Hao apparently doesn’t feel the need to abide by those basic social rules, because when Lawrence knocked on Hao’s door to drop off a basket of cookies and request that Hao not fuck his wife, Hao took the cookies and completely ignored the request. Hao has now banged Melissa more times in the past few months than Lawrence has during their entire 24-year marriage, and he has no plans on stopping. Pretty rude to ignore an understandable request like that if you ask us.
