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Doesn’t Bode Well: The Only Thing This Woman Is Excited To Wake Up For In The Morning Is The Coffee She Drinks Approximately Three Minutes Into Her Day

Young woman wrapped in blanket drinking hot tea

There’s nothing wrong with looking to the little things in life to bring you joy, but when you’re depending on the little things as your sole source of happiness, then that’s pretty fucking sad. Point in case: the only thing this woman is excited to wake up for in the morning is the coffee she drinks approximately three minutes into her day.

Yikes. Sounds like a pretty bleak existence, lady. 

As someone living alone during a time of quarantine, life isn’t particularly exciting for Melanie Higgins of Portland, Oregon. In fact, she’s got so little going on that the literal high point of each and every day for her is when she wakes up and gets to quietly enjoy a cup of coffee for several minutes. After this brief window of pleasure, pretty much nothing worthwhile happens for the rest of the day, and so she just occupies her time with pointless bullshit until it’s time for bed.  When she’s sitting on the couch in the evening feeling down, Melanie often fantasizes about how in just 12 hours she’ll be able to enjoy a delicious cup of drip coffee in the handcrafted ceramic mug she got on vacation in Montana last year. This would be a perfectly respectable ritual if not for the devastating fact that the momentary pleasure she gets from her cup of joe has the impossible task of carrying her through the entire rest of her interminable-seeming day, buoying her through her uninspired breakfast of cornflakes, her solitary afternoon spent staring at the computer, her sub-par YouTube yoga workout, and her nightly three-hour session of reality TV.

Sadly, it recently got to the point where Melanie purchased a bottle of expensive vegan creamer to “spice up” her coffee routine, pathetically attempting to wring as much pleasure as possible out of the lone highlight of her day. Each time she opens the door to her refrigerator to take out yet another portion of her meal-prepped lunch, she sees the creamer and experiences a pitiful little jolt of excitement, feeling weirdly proud to own such an upscale grocery product, as she has seen a couple of celebrities using the same creamer on Instagram, and this gives her a momentary sense of proximity to fame. While it’d undoubtedly be nice if Melanie had a couple of other little pleasant things to look forward to during her days, like perhaps a small herb garden she could tend to or maybe a cute dog that regularly passes by her window, the devastating reality is that she’s really got jackshit going on, and the only thing that pulls her out of the hazy monotony of her everyday existence is the taste of the piping-hot Costco-brand coffee that she so eagerly enjoys each morning.

God, what a bummer. 

Listen, things are pretty rough for everyone right now, but it seems like Melanie is experiencing existential despair on a whole different level. Melanie, we’re praying you fall in love or get a new job or something, because this coffee can’t keep being the only thing you look forward to. Hang in there, girl!