Since it was founded in 1970, the Witness Protection Program has helped keep countless Americans safe by providing new identities, jobs, and housing to people who take the risk of testifying against dangerous criminal entities. And now, thanks to a new reform, this important agency is going to be able to help more people than ever before: The Witness Protection Program has announced it will now offer you a new identity if you just straight-up don’t like your life!
This is amazing! It’s such a refreshing ray of hope to see a government agency reforming itself for the public good.
“From this point forward, the Witness Protection Program will be ready and able provide you with a new identity if you’ve become a total loser with a miserable existence, or if you just feel like your life hasn’t turned out the way it was supposed to,” the agency announced in a press release earlier today. “Just let us know if your life is bad, and we’ll give you a new name and a new job in a new town.”
In the same press release, the Witness Protection Program provided a list of reasons a person might qualify for an entirely new identity, including hating their job, being friends with several annoying people, being a failure, and living next to a noisy construction site. In all of these cases, the person in question could contact the agency, which would work to furnish them with entirely new identification documents, cover their relocation costs, and provide them with a job as a barber. The Witness Protection Program reiterated several times that barber was the only new job they were able to provide, and people who were already barbers would not qualify for the program.
Unfortunately, the agency did warn people hoping to take advantage of the program that anyone whose true identity was discovered after reassignment would be assassinated by the U.S. Marine Corps for purposes of national security. Still, if you’re a depressed loser who’s able to keep a secret, this just might be your ticket to a brand new life of happiness, or at least slightly less misery. Kudos to the Witness Protection Program for finally extending their services to the sad, unfulfilled people who need them most!
