Buckle up, motherfuckers. We’re ranking these bad boys.

1. Hinduism

Sitting pretty at number one is Hinduism. You bet your ass we’re saying that Hinduism is better than all other religions. That’s what being number one means. Congratulations to Hinduism, the best religion in the whole damn world. All right, let’s keep the ball rolling. These religions aren’t gonna rank themselves.

2. Bahá’í Faith

Coming up just short of number one but still near the front of the pack is Bahá’í. Nice work, Bahá’í. Couldn’t quite clinch the number-one spot, but second place is nothing to be ashamed of. Bahá’í blew all the other religions out of the fucking water. Okay, who’s up next?

3. Judaism

Judaism is the third-best religion. Don’t agree? Don’t care. It’s our list, and we can do whatever the fuck we want. Judaism is number three. We’re ranking these puppies like it’s NOBODY’S business. Wooo! Feels good as fuck. Moving on!

4. Islam

Islam comes in at number four, just BARELY missing the top three. Yowch! That’s gotta hurt. Sorry, Islam, that’s the name of the game, baby! But hey! This is a long list. All things considered, four is a pretty solid ranking. Keep your chin up, Islam.

5. Mormonism

Didn’t see that coming, did you? We just gave Mormonism the five-spot, and we haven’t even touched Christianity yet. Why? Because Mormonism is better. If Christianity were better, we would’ve ranked it at number five. But we didn’t. We ranked Mormonism at number five. Mormonism is at number five on our ranking of all the religions.

6. Buddhism

We decided to rank Buddhism at number six. Not much to say about it. Just felt right. Fuck yeah, let’s keep this rank train chuggin’ on down the line!

7. Christianity

Some folks would be walking on eggshells here, but we’re just gonna come out and say it: Christianity is the seventh-best religion. It’s not as good as Buddhism, but it’s better than the other ones. It’s a lot worse than Hinduism, which—to reiterate—is number one on this list, and therefore the best religion in the whole fucking world. But that’s a high standard to hold it to. Christianity is number seven. It’s fine. It’s not great. It’s fine. It’s not the worst. It is fine. It’s number seven. It’s toward the back of the pack, but it’s not the last one on this list. In conclusion, Christianity is the seventh-best religion in the world.

8. Sikhism

Sikhism holding it down at number eight! Nice. Fuck, this is awesome. We should have ranked the religions a long time ago. This is way overdue.

9. Shinto

And bringing up the rear is Shinto. Better luck next time, Shinto.

10. All the other ones

We don’t know what they’re called, but there are way too fucking many of them to sort through, so we’re just gonna say they’re number 10, and you’re gonna have to be content with that.

Well, that’s done now. Cool. We ranked the religions. Awesome. Glad that’s done.