You’re really looking to a random-ass website for guidance on how to make YOUR mom feel special on Mother’s Day? A woman you’ve known since the day you were born and should definitely know how to shop for by now? Pathetic. Write your own fucking gift guide, you twat.
1. You’re out of your mind
First off, we just want to take a moment to really make you think about what just happened. You seriously just googled “gift ideas mothers day 2023” thinking that we’d just spoonfeed you the perfect little gift for your mommy. Well, guess what? Not doing it. Not this year, not next year, not never. It’s not our job. Fuck you.
2. Cuz you realize we’ve never met your mom, right?
Seriously, buddy, if even you don’t know what to get your mom—your own flesh and blood!—then how the hell are we supposed to know? We haven’t fucking met her. Like, what are her interests? Gardening? Pilates? Getting ripped on bath salts and killing stray dogs? We don’t fucking know! That’s your job. Not the internet’s.
3. Here’s a gift idea: building a relationship with the woman who raised you, you fucking ASS
Or what, were the countless sacrifices she made for you not enough to warrant that you think about what type of gift she might actually like for more than 15 seconds before you automatically turn to some nameless burnt out losers on the internet for advice? Just be thoughtful for once, numbnut! All you have to do is think of literally one goddamn way to be nice to your mom once a goddamn year, yet that’s apparently still too much for you. Still need a website to do all the work. It’s fucking sad. It’s about time you tried actually giving a shit about the woman who LITERALLY USED TO KEEP YOU ALIVE WITH FOOD FROM HER FUCKING TIT.
4. Candle
Okay, this one’s real, but only to prove how fucking stupid you must be to need a website to tell you that moms like candles. Bet you want us to tell you what type of candle to get, too. Hmmm, let’s see…maybe one that smells good, you dumbfuck? God, you’re helpless. Your mom deserves better. Fuck you.
5. We don’t give a shit
“Wellllll ClickHole, websites are supposed to write gift guidesssss so we know what to buyyyyyy.” Okay? So? We don’t give a shit. And let it be known that it’s the same fucking garbage on those lists year in, year out. Go find one from 2016 and it’s good as new. “But doesn’t your website need the traffic???” No. “Really? Aren’t all websites doing kinda bad in 2023???” Doesn’t matter. We’d rather burn our website to the ground than spend a single goddamn second rounding up stupid-ass products you can buy your mom.
6. Goddammit
Oh, god. Just occurred to us that you’re gonna be right back here in June looking for Father’s Day gifts, too, aren’t you? Pathetic! You’re pathetic. We kindly ask you to fuck right off and go call your mom. We’re done here. Happy Mother’s Day, bitch.
