Government has many positions. I have been fortunate enough to hold several of these, but one has eluded me. For some reason, we allow a groundhog to occupy one of the most essential roles in our society. Not any longer.
Going forward, I will be Punxsutawney Phil. There is nothing a groundhog can do that I can’t do even better.
From now on, I will be the one who crawls out of the burrow to look for my shadow on Groundhog’s Day. If I see it, winter will continue for six more weeks. If I don’t, there will be an early spring. I’ve looked for my shadow plenty of times before, and I strongly believe that even under this high stress circumstance I will be able to look for it again.
I will not take this new responsibility lightly. I promise to respect and honor the groundhog’s traditions, and if any lawmakers want to lift me up after I dig myself out of the dirt, that is A-OK with me.
I will spend the rest of the year doing what groundhogs do. Burrowing, hibernating, etc. I practice burrowing all the time—at the beach, under the covers—and I have the utmost confidence in myself to succeed. I may not have sharp claws, but I have determination. And I think that’s enough.
My wish is for a peaceful transition of power. I will see to it that the groundhog currently filling the role of Punxsutawney Phil receives a new job, perhaps in manufacturing or construction.
Being your president has been nice, but I am ready to take on a new challenge. I know I will do an excellent job as Punxsutawney Phil, and I look forward to serving the American people in a new way.
