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Health Nuts Take Note: The FDA Just Announced That The Key To A Balanced Diet Is To Be Kept In A Cage By A Giant Who Feeds You Three Nutrient-Rich Pellets Every Day

If you’re someone who works hard to maintain a clean and healthy diet, here’s some information you need to hear: The FDA just announced that the key to a balanced diet is to be kept in a cage by a giant who feeds you three nutrient-rich pellets every day.

Wow! Eating clean just got a whole lot easier.

In a statement released earlier today, the FDA revealed that the most efficient way to receive the correct amount of carbohydrates, proteins, fibers, and fatty acids if one’s everyday diet is to get kidnapped by a giant so that they will take you back to their cave, lock you in a crudely fashioned wicker cage, and regularly feed you foul-tasting yet nourishing brown pellets from the palms of their massive hands. The Food and Drug Administration stated that regardless of whether you’re abducted by a dumb, friendly giant who showers you with affection and treats you like a pet, or a scary, menacing giant who seems intent on fattening you up so they can eventually eat you, the pellets they feed you will always be jam-packed with nutrients, essentially serving as the ultimate superfood.

“Maintaining a sensible diet that’s high in protein and low in fat can be incredibly difficult, which is why we highly recommend being snatched from your home and imprisoned by a towering giant as the round, earthy pellets they’ll feed you offer the ideal nutritional balance for a clean and active lifestyle,” said the FDA in a statement, adding that, despite always being busy with things like bathing in the ocean and swatting away stray livestock with gargantuan wooden clubs, giants are generally responsible and will be sure to feed you at regular intervals. “These pellets grow organically from moist mounds of giant excrement, making them a cruelty-free and environmentally sustainable food source that you can feel good about putting in your body.”

The FDA noted that getting kidnapped by a giant can also promote cardiovascular health, as oftentimes the cages they keep you in will come equipped with a wheel you can run in for exercise, and you may find frequent opportunities for high-interval scurrying to avoid jabs from a huge fork as your giant drunkenly hollers, “Hold still, ye little bugger, so I can eat ye for mah supper meal!” And, as an added benefit, the FDA said that sometimes giants will introduce another human into your enclosure with the expectation that you’ll mate, offering you the opportunity to maintain an active sex life.

So exciting!

Well, there you have it, health nuts. No more guessing at which eating plan is best for you, because now it’s clear that in order to have a balanced diet, you must be imprisoned by a giant who feeds you three nutritious pellets a day. Now get out there and get kidnapped!