If you want this super easy sheet pan chicken recipe that requires almost zero cleanup and is sure to leave your whole family happy, then you better be ready to fucking beg for it. We’re not just gonna give you a dinner hack this good for nothing.
Not everyone has three hours to spend cooking dinner on a weeknight, and throwing together a simple sheet pan meal can be a total life saver. Luckily, we’ve got a perfect hands-off dinner solution that’ll give you maximum flavor with minimal effort. But we want you to grovel for it.
Yep that’s right. You’re gonna have to debase yourself if you want us to share this incredible family dinner hack. So get on with it. Drop down to your hands and knees and repeat after us: “I am a pathetic bitch who wants an easy sheet pan meal that saves time without sacrificing taste.”
Say it, motherfucker.
That’s right. You are a pathetic bitch, and the first thing you need to do to make this awesome, crowd-pleasing recipe is preheat the oven to 450 degrees and get out an 18×13-inch rimmed baking sheet. While the oven preheats, take two pounds of bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs and pat them dry. And as you’re doing so, say “I am dirt and I don’t deserve this” over and over to yourself so you don’t forget.
Next, it’s time to season the chicken. Salt and pepper are a given, but if you want to know which other herbs and spices you’ll need, then you’re gonna have to get back down on the ground and bark for us like a dog. Go ahead. Bark.
Good, yes. The first herb you’ll need is rosemary. Got it? Now keep barking, you pitiful shit-stain. Bark!
That’s it. What an obedient little mutt you are. The second herb you’ll need is fresh sage. Be sure to wash the leaves!
Want to know the rest of the herbs? Then we’re gonna need you to keep barking. And while you’re at it, crawl outside and use the bathroom in your yard to prove that you’re a good, well-trained pup who deserves quick and yummy dinner recipes.
We’re waiting. This isn’t optional.
There you go, good. Piss away. You are absolutely disgusting.
Once you’re done pissing in the grass like the animal you are, grab some fresh thyme along with your other herbs and finely mince about a tablespoon of each. Then massage the seasonings into the chicken with olive oil. (Pro tip: mix a half teaspoon of turmeric into your spice blend to help your chicken develop a beautiful golden-brown color—although if you do this, be sure to remind yourself that you’re a helpless, brainless fuck with no original kitchen ideas of your own).
By this point, it’s clear how badly you want this amazing seasonal recipe that the entire family will enjoy. But how far are you willing to go for it? Are you willing to shimmy across the floor like a worm? A worm who wants a recipe that makes even the pickiest eaters happy?
Of course you are. Squirm, you wormy bitch! Writhe around on the ground where you belong. Call your children into the room so they can see what a miserable, wretched creature you truly are. Humiliate yourself before them so that they harbor no illusions about you being an adult who is worthy of their respect.
Once you’ve finished that, assemble two medium sweet potatoes, two apples, and one pound of Brussels sprouts. You’ll then need to cube the potatoes, slice the apples, and halve the sprouts. Toss with two tablespoons of olive oil, sprinkle with salt and pepper, and—
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Did we just see you fucking move? DID WE SAY YOU COULD FUCKING MOVE? STAY DOWN ON THE GODDAMN FLOOR!
God, you’re really testing us, you know that? It’s like you don’t even want a recipe with the perfect combination of sweet and savory that you can throw together in a pinch on busy weeknights. If you happen to have a cattle rod nearby, shock yourself to teach yourself a lesson. Bitch.
Now, if you want us to give you the rest of the recipe, then we’re gonna need you to say, “I am nothing. I am no one. I am a leech upon society and a disgrace to my family name.” Say it loud, and make sure your kids are around to hear it.
That’s right, good. Debase yourself so that you may learn the secrets to this scrumptious autumn meal that takes less than an hour to make. It’ll all be worth it once you see your ugly family licking their plates clean and marveling at how you—a braindead sad-sack who must beg on the internet for kitchen help—managed to scrape together a dish that doesn’t taste like ass.
Now we’re in the home stretch! Once you’ve burned away your last shreds of dignity, space apart the chicken and veggies on the baking sheet and bake for 30-35 minutes, flipping the chicken at the halfway mark. Once the chicken reaches a safe internal temperature, finish things off under the broiler for two to three minutes, or until the chicken skin is golden-brown and crispy. Remove from the oven and let the meat rest for 10 minutes. Then, sprinkle with fresh herbs, put everything in a dog bowl, and eat your dinner off the floor like a dutiful little mutt. It’ll taste so much better than the trash you usually eat, but do not enjoy it—you don’t deserve any pleasure.
Pretty fucking tasty, right? Show us how grateful you are by thanking us in the comments, you undeserving fuck. Once you’re done with that, get the fuck off our website and never talk to us again. You are nothing to us.