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I Never Asked To Be President (By Joe Biden)

Here’s the deal, folks. Liberals can blame me for Israel’s disastrous war in Gaza, and conservatives can blame me for the runaway inflation this country has been experiencing, and you can bring up my son Hunter’s sketchy dealings and all sorts of wild conspiracy theories about me and China and Ukraine and Obama and whatever the hell else. Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong, but regardless, the fact of the matter is I never asked to be the President. 

Did I put the country in a bad place? Perhaps. Is my age becoming a serious liability? Sure, whatever. But if you want to point the finger at someone for this mess, don’t point it at me, man. Point it at the American people. They’re the ones who voted for me! You think I voted for me? Heck no, man. I voted for Trump. Why would I vote for myself? What kind of narcissistic egomaniac would do that? Who runs around thinking, “I want to be the leader of an entire country. I am smart and competent enough to do that”? I’ll tell you who: Weirdos! Not me. I never asked for this. I’m just a regular guy. I’m here because of YOU. YOU knew how old I was when you voted for me. I didn’t. I still don’t. 

You people made me President AGAINST MY WILL. I would never do that to you, and yet you did it to me. It hurts. And here’s perhaps the most effed up part of all of this: You elected me VICE President TWICE before this, so you knew damn well based on my reaction back then that I did NOT want anything to do with politics or the life in the White House!!! Even my dog doesn’t want to be there! That’s why he keeps biting people. 

This is a job I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, so why did you wish it on me? Where on EARTH did you people get the idea that I wanted to be President? Some signs on someone’s lawn? A cheesy, generic ad that played before a YouTube video about how to put Christmas lights or something? You saw a cheap cardboard sign in someone’s front yard that said I wanted to be President and that’s all it took for you to believe I did? Seriously?

From what I hear, I’m polling pretty poorly for 2024, which makes a lot of sense being that I didn’t ask to be President this time around, either. Do they ever report on how Brad Pitt and Martha Stewart are polling in the Presidential elections? No! Because those people DON’T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT. They are popular, well-known people. But you don’t see them getting a bunch of votes for President like I did. What the hell is even going on? There needs to be some sort of investigation into this. 

I know a lot of people felt like choosing me over Trump was the lesser of two evils, but why was it only two evils? There are literally MILLIONS of evils you could have chosen from in this country, but for some bizarre reason you narrowed it down to just Trump and me? If I’m being frank, at least Trump clearly was actually asking to be President. So much so that he kept claiming that he won despite losing pretty badly. Personally, I was FINE with that. I was like, sure, sounds good, go for it, man. You won, if that’s what you really want. 

So maybe this year, instead of voting for me, you can consider picking someone who is clearly interested in and excited about leading the United States. I don’t fit those criteria, but there’s gotta be somebody out there who does. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go sign some legislation that’s going to piss off a bunch of the people who voted for me. Sayonara, bitches.