My name is Emma Stone, and I am an actress. I fly all the time for my work, and there’s one thing that always bothers me: seeing Marines walk past me to take their seats in coach. It just seems wrong, these heroes being stuck in coach while I enjoy first class. That’s why I’ve decided to give my first class seat to the Marine with the most confirmed kills.
What have I done to deserve a first class seat? Acted in a few movies? Come on. These Marines have risked their lives serving our country. And the one who has taken out the most enemy combatants on the field of battle deserves a comfy seat and extra legroom much more than I do.
I’m not doing this to draw attention to myself. I’m doing it to draw attention to the troops. The troops who have knifed, sniped, and otherwise terminated the highest number of hostile targets during their respective tours of duty. Because we should be rewarding these heroes, not squeezing them into coach like they’re just average folks. Provided they can authenticate their kills, that is. Probable kills certainly do not count.
…the one who has taken out the most enemy combatants on the field of battle deserves a comfy seat and extra legroom much more than I do.
For that matter, drone strikes and air assault casualties also don’t count. With that kind of heavy artillery, you’re looking at one hell of an inflated kill record. For this reason, the only kills I’ll take into consideration will be those executed during ground warfare. Marines with 60-plus confirmed on-the-ground kills are welcome to take my seat. Anything under 60 is just not gonna cut it. Basically, what I’m saying is: Don’t even ask to take my seat if you have fewer than 60 kills under your belt.
Let me be clear: They don’t have to be clean kills, but they do have to be confirmed by fellow soldiers. As long as there are military personnel who can corroborate that you took out over 90 Ba’athists during the 2003 ground invasion of Iraq, you might just be looking at a couple hours of premium flight time.
Look. I’m an entertainer. And I’m proud of what I do. But the fact of the matter is, I have zero confirmed kills, and some of the men and women of our armed services have between 80 and 160. The most lethal one will be getting my seat.
I once gave up my seat for a guy who had 110 kills. Try topping that.