While no one wants skunks in their boobs, the reality is that 1 in 5 women will find skunks in their breasts during their lifetime. Early detection of the skunk and/or skunks can mean better chances of treatment, so doctors recommend women perform this quick and easy step-by-step method to check their breasts for signs of a skunk invasion every few months. Let’s get started!
Step 1: Visual inspection
Stand in front of a mirror with your arms by your sides. Are there any changes in size, shape, texture, color to your breasts? Take special note of any stray animal hairs, visible scurrying, scat droppings around your nipples, or tiny paws pressing your breasts together to create the effect of wearing a push-up bra.
Step 2: Manual inspection
Lift your left breast with your left hand, then use your right hand to feel the underside of your breast for signs of fur. If you feel anything fuzzy, sweep your hand into a circular motion around the breast. If you’re able to feel fur for about a 10 inch loop, it’s possible you’ve found a skunk’s tail wrapped around your boob. Repeat on the other breast.
Step 3: Odor inspection
For this step, you’ll need to scream at your breasts as loudly as possible. Naturally, something will spray out of your boobs. Take a deep inhale: do you smell the normal spray of the breasts (popcorn smell) or do you smell the spray of a skunk (rotten egg smell)?
Step 4: Auditory inspection
Swing your breasts from side to side to create a motion similar to those pirate ship rides at carnivals. Listen closely. Do you hear any squeals of delight? If so, it may be proof positive of skunks in your breasts.
What should I do if I have any of these symptoms?
Book an appointment with your OBGYN as soon as possible. Depending on what your doctor thinks, they may perform an ultrasound of your chest, or look at your breasts with night vision goggles since skunks tend to be nocturnal creatures.
Of course, if you find any evidence of skunks in your bosom, remember to stay calm. It’s possible that what you think is a sign of a skunk can actually be several other health conditions instead, such as:
- Common cold
What happens if I’m diagnosed with skunks in my boobs?
You and your doctor will work together to come up with a treatment plan, which may involve banging loud pots and pans near your chest or soaking your breasts in Powerade to strengthen them against the skunks.
It should be noted that most healthcare providers advise against homeopathic approaches such as Dr. Minford’s Skunk Repellent Cream, which has not been clinically proven to be effective.
Which risk factors make you more susceptible to having skunks take up residence in your bosom?
- Genetic predisposition
- A history of playing in the woods
- Taking oral contraceptives
- Being 200 years old
- Boobs that look/feel like hollowed-out logs
- Not taking oral contraceptives
What is the recovery time?
Your recovery will include regular trips to the carwash, where you can use a car vacuum to suck up the loose grass and hay the skunks used to make their den in your breasts. You can expect to make 15-30 carwash trips before you’re back to 100%.
Why is early detection so important?
Without early detection, it’s likely that the skunks will metastasize and may move from your breasts to your hair or buttocks, which can make seeing, speaking, or using the restroom quite difficult.
Will I have to pay out-of-pocket for my treatment?
Since most insurance plans do not cover skunk removal because it’s considered a cosmetic procedure, it is recommended that you create a GoFundMe to cover medical costs. Best of luck!