You never want to be in a situation where you’re about to get executed and you have to try something, anything to save you own life. Begging, pleading, offering money…whatever you can think of trying as a Hail Mary before taking a bullet. Well, it may or may not help, but if you’re ever in that kind of a bind, here are 6 analingus tips you can try blurting out as a last ditch effort to attempt to save yourself.
1. Fuck…fuck…please don’t kill me. Listen…when eating ass, flatten out your tongue to create more surface area between it and your partner’s anus!
Here’s a tip you can try sharing with a criminal who’s sticking the barrel of their gun down your throat in preparation to execute you. As your life flashes before your eyes and you imagine never being able to see your family again, try to find the courage to blurt out this ass-eating hack that probably won’t do a ton to change the outcome of the situation, but might just be the difference between life and death. There’s a small chance your would-be killer could be so impressed with your knowledge of eating ass that they let you go so as to not rob the world of your gift. What do you have to lose?
2. Just put the gun down and let’s talk…about how moaning while performing analingus can add a vibrating sensation!
When you’re tied up with zip ties on the floor of a bank and have mere seconds before a gunman pulls the trigger and executes you, you need to think fast. Shouting out this technique for adding a little zing to your ass-eating is definitely something you can try. It’s possible the gunman’s wife has been underwhelmed by his analingus prowess and he’s desperate to improve, and this tip might be just what he needs to convince him not to shoot you. Or he might still shoot you.
3. Don’t be afraid…to fuck that asshole a little bit…with your tongue…
Picture this: You’re tied up in the trunk of a black Cadillac that’s driving you down a dirt road towards an early end. Your abductor opens the trunk, shovel in hand. You’ve got one chance to say the perfect thing to make him reconsider taking your life. So you tell him that when eating ass, you shouldn’t be afraid to fuck that asshole a little bit with your tongue. Will he thank you for the suggestion, rush out to tongue fuck some ass, and let you live? There’s only one way to find out.
4. Please, I don’t want to die! When performing analingus, start out slowly, because the anus is very ticklish!
If you’re ever kidnapped while on vacation in Peru and led out into the jungle by a machete-wielding narco gang, you might want to learn how to speak enough Spanish to explain your captors that it’s best to start your analingus session slowly due to the ticklish nature of the anus. No one wants to hear their partner chuckling and giggling while they eat their ass—they want to hear them moan with pleasure, even narcos. You want to see your kids again, right? Then go ahead and try this.
5. God no….circle the folds of the anus with your lips. Your partner will thank you!
Analingus is mostly associated with the tongue, but the lips can be just as important of a player in pleasuring a partner anally. Which is something it may be good to remind your executioner if you’ve ever got a noose around your neck and it’s 15 seconds to midnight. If he happens to be desperate to improve his analingus game, sharing this tidbit could change your circumstances for the better.
6. I promise you, if you try a flavored lube it will make the experience of eating ass even more delicious!
In the past few years, analingus has been having its moment, moving from taboo to the mainstream. That means there’s never been a better time to, as a move of absolute desperation, let a would-be executioner know that there are many flavored lubricants out there that will turn an asshole into a lollipop. Whether this tip ends up saving your life will depend on a lot of factors, such as the individual personality of the person trying to murder you and their relationship with analingus, but there are probably worse things you could try to get out of being murdered.
