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Jesus, Dad: 39 Ways Dad Fucked Up When He Hung The TV On The Wall

Well, shit. Dad insisted that he mount his new $2500 75 inch LG TV himself instead of paying Geek Squad $250 to do it (something about them “refusing to give a friend of his an email address”), and he managed to fuck it up in no fewer than 39 different ways. Here they all are.

  1. TV is very soggy
  2. TV is facing wrong way (towards wall)
  3. TV is somehow both too high and too low
  4. TV is perfectly diagonal 
  5. TV is mounted behind old TV
  6. TV is 40 yards from couch
  7. Threw away remote control because he “mostly watches CBS”
  8. Tried to incorporate TV into his taxidermy by “making the TV the deer head’s body”
  9. TV is hung using nothing but glue
  10. TV is still in box
  11. Engraved his name and phone number in TV screen
  12. TV is slowly rotating
  13. TV making buzzing/puking sounds
  14. Bird trapped inside TV
  15. Sanded down TV’s corners “for safety”
  16. Somehow hung TV in way that created major beef with the entire neighborhood and his HOA
  17. Seriously damaged both retinas while adjusting the brightness
  18. Refused help while taking it up ladder and fell off at least six times that we know of
  19. Sprayed the entire TV down with WD-40 
  20. Got the screen autographed by one of the Three Stooges’ grandkids
  21. Installed a complex and completely unnecessary ventilation system for the TV
  22. TV is over 400 feet from nearest outlet
  23. Punched a hole in the TV every time his power drill battery died
  24. Relied on a TV installation video he found on PornHub
  25. Removed the screen thinking it was packaging material
  26. Realized he had already installed the exact same TV three feet away
  27. Illegally filled in 30 acres of protected wetlands
  28. Pierced several gas lines
  29. Repeatedly tried to staple the TV
  30. Sawed off own finger to escape after it was wrapped up in power cord
  31. Accidentally ordered $67,000 worth of UFC pay-per-views while trying to set clock
  32. Pants belt loop snagged on TV and pulled it off wall as he walked away after six days of working on getting it up
  33. Long strip of toilet paper hanging off TV
  34. Only audio coming from TV speaker is a distorted Christian radio broadcast from the 1960s
  35. Glued HDMI ports shut to “keep rodents out”
  36. Became so overwhelmed trying to understand the various picture modes that he had to spend 14 days in a mental hospital
  37. Mom left him after overhearing him angrily call his screwdriver the R word over 400 times
  38. Repeatedly called the cops on the TV
  39. Ultimately took it down and returned it because the motion wasn’t smooth enough