As I sit here in the aftermath of my job loss, updating my LinkedIn profile in vain, I can’t help but feel wronged by my former company. After nine years in my industry, I was unceremoniously laid off over Zoom. But just because a job is useless doesn’t mean it’s okay when it abruptly ends.
Of course I wasn’t contributing anything to society. I wasn’t even aware that’s what I was supposed to be doing.
Here’s the thing. After almost a decade in a job where I did nothing but scroll through my own social media feeds all day, it’s completely unfair for my company to suddenly not have the money to pay me to do that anymore. My job didn’t just become useless. It was useless the whole time. So wherever you got the cash to pay me before, go get it again. I didn’t hire a bunch of employees for a made up job—that’s what you did. That’s why it’s on you to keep it going.
And yeah, I’m aware I could “get another job.” But here’s a question: doing literally what? There is nothing I’m capable of doing. The only skills I have are drinking free seltzer on the in-office days and napping on the clock on the WFH days. And as far as I’m hearing, those are precisely the types of skills that are no longer associated with job security.
Riddle me this: what does a dachshund do all day? Play with toys? Eat kibble? Those are meaningless tasks that fill up their time, not quantifiable skills that necessitate a particular salary based on expertise. So does that make it okay to just walk up to a dachshund and shoot it in the head? Of course not. Now imagine instead that I’m the dog, and laying me off is shooting me in the head. That layoff doesn’t sound so appropriate anymore, does it?
You got yourself into this mess when you created my meaningless job, and you can’t just get yourself out of it by ending it. You need to think of a different solution.
If you were one day going to have second thoughts about spending millions of dollars on employees who do nothing, you should have thought about that before hiring a bunch of employees to do nothing. I’m sorry, but you’re in way too deep to just lay us off now. I will be coming into the office on Monday, and you will be paying me.
