Laaaaaaaadies and gentlemen! Basketball fans of all ages, especially the elderly! How’s everyone doing tonight? I said HOW’S EVERYONE DOING TONIGHT?!? The main event will be starting here shortly, but first I’d like you all to give yourselves a biiiiiiiig round of applause and a little bit of a foot massage for coming out tonight! We’re truly overjoyed to see such a great turnout, and we thank each and every one of you for joining us this evening for this special event. Now, without further adieu, let us introduce to the stage…basketball legend…Michaaaeel…Jooooord….burrrrg…cannnnn….dorrrrrb…looorb….clllonnnn!
Actually, hold on. Stop cheering. Shut up, everyone. Shut up. Before we bring you Mr. Mr. Mr. Jordburgcandorblorbclon, let’s first take a moment to revisit some of his incredible achievements.
You know him for playing on such great teams as the Texas Dribblers and the Branson Ghouls while wearing his beautiful basketball suspenders and doing his legendary signature slam dunksters, but let’s not forget all the other great things he’s done. For example, did you know he once purchased a painting? That’s right, one of the greatest players ever to roll down the basketball field owns a painting of a salad. Pretty cool, huh? And did you know he once played baseball as well? That’s right! It was an accident, but still very impressive.
And while he’s a man of many achievements, he’s also a man with many hearts. You can’t mention Mr. Mr. Mr. Jordburgcandorblorbclon without acknowledging how many hearts he has, and he’s shown it time and time again through his charitable work, having dedicated countless hours over the years to delousing underprivileged men, women, and children with his trusty delousing fork. Thank you to Mr. Jordburgcandorblorbclon for all his generosity, and thank you to all those underprivileged individuals he’s deloused for providing him with the protein-rich bugs he needs to have energy for all his dazzling slam dunksters.
Another thing to know about him is that he is tall! Isn’t that something, folks?
We know you’re all very excited for Mr. Mr. Mr. Jordburgcandorblorbclon to come out here, and you’ll be pleased to know that he is here in the building, coiled up like a snake backstage, ready to prance out before you and talk about his new line of deck chairs while flashing his huge, toothy smile. He can hear all of your applause and laughter and even some of your coughs, so why don’t we let him know how excited we are to see him with a little chant? Repeat after me, folks: BASKET-BALL-IS-A-GREAT-SPORT-SECOND-ONLY-TO-FOOTBALL! BASKET-BALL-IS-A-GREAT-SPORT-SECOND-ONLY-TO-FOOTBALL! Perfect! Keep it going! Louder! BASKET-BALL-IS-A-GREAT-SPORT-SECOND-ONLY-TO-FOOTBALL! Now, let’s hear you all chant the names of your favorite refreshments, because we’re going to take a short break here so everyone can stock up on refreshments, such as soda or some pills. And while you’re up getting your snacks and sweet treats, why not head over to Michael’s merch booth and pick up his new CD or one of his incredible handmade wallets, made from deflated basketballs that he’s found in roadside ditches over the years. All proceeds from the wallets go towards supplying diabetic middle-aged men with wallets. How wonderful is that?!?
The stage is set! Electricity is in the air! We’ve have been waiting with bated breath for this moment for days now, and it is finally here. So, without further adieu…let us count to three to bring the man of the hour out on stage!
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, your hero and your god, Michaaaeel Jooooord…burrrrg…cannnnn…dorrrrrb…looorb…clllonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!